C Reiss - Sing

He took me by the elbow and sat me down at an empty table. We sat knee to knee on the same side of it.

“What?” I said.

“I just had to open a transplant assessment of Mr. Drazen.”

I don’t know what I must have looked like. Maybe blank, because a sort of vacuity took hold of me, where I expected more information to be poured into my brain. Or maybe I looked puzzled.

“I don’t understand. It was a bad suture. I know Sheila’s pissed but....”

But I’d assumed she was flying off the handle. But I’d thought he got x-rays all the time. But I thought it was a complication, not ruination. But I was hanging on to my optimism because I missed it.

He glanced around, then back to me.

“Say it,” I said. “I don’t want to hear it from anyone else.”

“It was a suture inside his heart. The tearing’s very bad. He’s bleeding faster than they can pump it out. If they go in and patch him up...well. They can’t. There’s no room. And the tear has moved into his left ventricle.”

“Are you going to fix it?” I panicked. It was the panic of someone whose anxiety was a show, because I knew everything was going to be okay. For sure, there was an easy fix for all this, and Jonathan and I would laugh about how silly I was to worry so much. I couldn’t wait for that laughter. I told the story in my head over an imaginary Thanksgiving dinner, describing the goosebumps on my arms, the dry feeling in my mouth, the sudden breathlessness in my lungs. I’d wax dramatic about holding back tears, and Jonathan would laugh that laugh from deep in his chest, and tears would stream down his own face.

“I don’t know,” Brad said.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“We’re still doing the assessment. I have a lot of forms to fill out. I have to talk to the rest of the cardiac team. It’s tricky.”

“What’s fucking tricky, Brad? You’re either fixing it or you’re filling out fucking paperwork.”

“Take it easy.”

“I’m not taking it easy. I will burn your fucking house down if you don’t tell me right now why you assholes can’t fix it immediately.”

He took my wrists and held me to a sitting position. I knew he wouldn’t have done that unless he knew me, and the privilege of whatever information I’d already gotten was courtesy of a few hours of City of Dis.

“There’s a good chance, and I don’t know for sure, because I need to review everything with the committee, but I’m pretty sure he’ll need a transplant.”

“Okay,” I said. I breathed, which I’d forgotten to do. That was a thing. It was a course of action. “Then give him one.”

“We need a heart, and his blood type? AB negative? It’s rare. He needs to get on the list. Monica, I hope I’m wrong. If the surgical team believe they can go back in and fix it, then this whole conversation is moot.”

His eyes, deep blue and a little bloodshot, as if he’d been up too many hours, did not waver from mine. He had the confidence of a man who had held a human heart in his hands and made it beat again. A man who had made life and death happen, and for whom Jonathan was just another patient, another puzzle to solve, another career challenge.

I slipped my hands down until I could hold his hands. I squeezed them and closed my eyes.

“I want you to understand something,” I said. “That man. He’s not some boyfriend in a line of them. He is my alpha and omega. He is the sky over me. Without him, I’m lost. There’s no one else, no one whose soul balances mine the way his does. I waited my life for him, and when he came I didn’t recognize him. Not until very recently. If I lose him I swear, as God is my witness, I will be alone. No man can match him.”

When I opened my eyes, Brad was looking at our clasped hands, head down.

“I didn’t know,” he said.

“I only live next door.”

He looked back up to me. “I’ll do my best, Monica. I can’t promise anything. If he needs a new heart, I want you to be ready for a rough time. He doesn’t have forever to bleed into himself, and healthy hearts don’t come all that often. You need to sleep and eat and live your life while you wait.”

I smirked. “My life is with him, Brad. That’s how I live it. The rest is unnecessary complication.” I felt like Jonathan was there with me, having quoted him.

We sat like that for a few seconds, where I tried to transmit my seriousness. It felt good to just sit with someone and be, even if it couldn’t last.

His cellphone beeped. He didn’t even look at it but let go of my hands.

“That’s my office. I have to go.”

“Will you let me know?”

“You’ll know, Monica. You’ll know.” He stood. “Just the sleeping and eating. Do those. Okay?”

My tea was cold. My granola bar looked more and more like a slab of pressed shit.

“After I see him. Then I’ll go home and go to bed.”

He looked at his watch. “Come with me. Hurry.”

He waved and walked off, hand feeling into his pocket for his phone before he’d even turned around completely. I scuttled behind.

Examination rooms inside offices inside suites inside wards, around corners and up secret stairs, I followed Brad to x-ray. He spoke to a lady in a pink smock while texting, and Pink Smock gave him the name of yet another space I never would have found on my own, and in that space was a gurney. On it was Jonathan.

I assumed Brad said good-bye, because by the time I was standing over my lover, Brad was gone.

Jonathan was either sleeping or unconscious, pale as death, an altar to IV tower gods. I took his hand, pressing my palm to his. He did not respond. It was just warm enough, which was the only way I knew he wasn’t lost. I stayed there until Pink Smock and an orderly came to push him away. I went with them, just to make sure he was okay.

MONICA

I slept in a random waiting room, despite promising Brad I’d go home. I got up aching everywhere and sat in the cafeteria, writing a song on a napkin. Something moved on the table. I snapped out of it. My notebook, with the NOPA inside was being slid toward me. Declan stood over the table.

“I thought you might want this,” he said. “You left it here the other day.”

“Thanks.” I stuffed it in my bag. “You’re like a regular here, these days. Piece of furniture.”

“Like fiberglass and cheap chrome?”

“The Drazen sense of humor is genetic, apparently.”

“Not so apparent.” He sat down. “I haven’t heard my boy crack a joke in twenty years.”

“He’s funny.” My voice cracked. I put my head down. I couldn’t look at him, because I was about to say ‘he was funny.’ My eyes were stinging and my face got red. I didn’t want this man made of fiberglass and chrome to see me cry over his prodigal son.

“Margaret told me,” he said.

I sniffed and tried to get my shit together. “Why aren’t you ever upstairs with them?” I clutched my tea, letting it heat up my icy hands.

“This is as close as I’m allowed. They don’t want me there. My wife, at least. We sleep on opposite sides of the house. Decades of neglect will do that.”

“I’m sure it was purely benign.” My raw emotional mood made my feelings hard to hide, and in that unguarded moment, my voice dripped with inappropriately rude sarcasm. I wasn’t being a woman of grace.

But he seemed to take it in stride. “I had a very, shall we say, intense mid-life crisis.”

“You shared a mistress with your son. Pretty intense.”

“Is that what he told you? Interesting. I guess he could have seen it that way. She was a very manipulative girl, but yes, I did plenty I was pleased with at the time, and now...well now I need a golf cart to get to my wife’s bedroom and my son won’t see me.” He massaged his coffee. “Would he be upset if he knew you were at a table with me?”

“Yeah.” I suddenly felt guilty for being there. Jonathan would not like it. Not one bit. If he was going to get well, he needed to know that I was safe, and I was sure he didn’t think of me as safe around his father. I put the granola bar in my bag.

“I should go upstairs. It was nice talking to you.”

“Yes, it was.”

JONATHAN

I’d already tried to take the fucking little tubes out of my fucking nose. The room lit up like Griffith Park at Christmas and it was Jingle Bells all over again. In my life, I’d be okay if I never get defibrillated again. Odds were not in my favor.

I had a hard time staying awake for long. Exhaustion from lack of oxygen and a body worn out working for nothing, pumping blood that went down a tube, sucking up more blood from a bag. There was medicine too. Bags of it, going into my hand. And a bag of blood that kept getting replaced like a pot of coffee.

I remember one of them saying was that I was a lucky man. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I thought it didn’t have a damn thing to do with my health. He was blond. Nordic looking, and I asked him what he meant, but he just went on with another battery of questions that seemed like every other battery of questions every other white lab coat had asked either me, or the person next to them. If I had a dime for every doctor that walked in and talked about me like I wasn’t there, I could buy and sell myself. The non-entity of me. The skin bag of pain and discomfort. I didn’t feel like I owned my own body any more. I felt like a piece of meat being kept alive until some day when something happened. Some miracle. Or some news.

“I’m not here to make you upset,” I felt lucid when Margie said that, my brain snapping to attention at the thought that there was something I should, but shouldn’t be, upset about.