Jeff hadn't realized how careful she'd been to keep to herself while she was simply a guest in his house. Now her presence was everywhere. Her perfume lingered in the hallway. A couple of Maggie's toys found their way to the family room. Schoolbooks stacked up on an end table. It was as if a family lived here.
A family. The concept was unfamiliar. He knew intellectually that there had been a time when he'd belonged to a family. He'd been born to parents who lived in suburbs, just like regular people. Jeff knew he'd been a part of that world once-playing sports in high school, hanging out with his friends. But those memories weren't real to him. It was as if he'd seen a movie about someone's past. A past that happened to be his own. He couldn't relate to those images and he didn't know how to act now that he was no longer alone.
He glanced at his watch. It was late, nearly midnight. Maggie was long asleep, but Ashley was still up, studying in the kitchen. The need to go to her compelled him to rise to his feet, even though he knew he shouldn't bother her. He walked toward the light, knowing he had no right to want to be with her, even when all he expected was simple conversation.
She haunted him. Much like the ghosts of his past, she was a constant presence in his mind. Yet unlike the memories of the dead, she made him feel better for occupying his thoughts. She made him anticipate-something he hadn't done in years. She made him need, which reminded him he was alive. But was that good or bad?
He reached the kitchen and stood in the doorway. The overhead light glinted off her dark hair. She wore jeans and a sweater. Her feet were bare and she'd tucked one up under her on the straight-backed chair.
Several books lay open across the table. She glanced at one, then returned her attention to the accounting paper in front of her.
One curl caressed her cheek. Looking at it made him press his fingers into his palm. He wanted to touch the curl… and the cheek. He wanted to feel the silk of her skin and the warmth of her body. He wanted…
"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to join me?" She spoke without looking up.
Jeff frowned. He knew he hadn't made any noise. "How did you know I was here?"
She glanced at him and smiled. "It's a mom thing. Internal radar. The same mechanism tells me when Maggie is doing something she shouldn't." She pushed her foot against the chair next to her, moving the seat toward him in invitation. "I'm due to take a break." She pointed at the closest open textbook. "It's cost accounting, so you're doing me a favor by taking me away from it for a while. There are fresh cookies. Want one?"
He followed the direction of her finger and saw a heaping plate of cookies on the counter. "You're always trying to feed me."
She smiled. "That's because you don't eat very much. I'm a compulsive feeder."
"Another mom thing?"
"Probably. I want to take care of the world."
He moved toward the table, but didn't take the seat next to her. Instead he settled across from her-as much to see her as to make sure he wasn't close enough to touch. Something about the late hour made him question his ability to do the right thing. The need inside seemed to grow with each tick of the kitchen clock.
"Not all mothers are compelled to take care of everyone," he said. "It's about being a giver more than being maternal."
"Maybe." She rose to her feet and walked over to the cookie plate. After moving a couple of her books, she set it in the center of the table, then headed to the refrigerator. "What about your mother? What was she like?"
"A homemaker," he said as Ashley poured them each a glass of milk. "She liked to sew and bake. My dad worked for Ford. On the assembly line."
She put a full glass in front of him and resumed her seat. "Let me guess. You played football and were something of a flirt."
"I'll admit to the football."
Ashley had been kidding when she'd asked the question. She couldn't imagine Jeff as a young man. She'd never seen him out of a suit. Even now, despite the late hour, he wore a white shirt and slacks. He'd discarded his tie and rolled up his sleeves, but he hadn't bothered changing into something more casual. Did the man own jeans?
Not that it mattered. She was glad she had the cookies and milk to give her something other than Jeff to look at and touch. Otherwise she wasn't sure she could control herself around him. She'd never once in her life wanted to be sick, but right now she couldn't help wishing for a bit of the flu bug to return because it seemed to be the only thing that kept her immune to Jeff's masculine charms.
She hated the way she noticed the strength in his hands and wrists and the shivery sensation in her belly as she studied the stubble darkening his jaw. His voice sent ripples of need dancing along her spine and the darkness of the night made her think of bed and tangled sheets. She tried to convince herself it was a lack of male companionship that made her overreact to her new boss, but she was afraid it wasn't that simple. Something chemical happened when she was around the man and she didn't know how to make it stop.
Conversation, she told herself as her breathing increased slightly. Talk about something normal and maybe he won't notice the sexual tension in the air. "What sent you into the army?" she asked.
"I didn't want to go to college. I liked sports, but I wasn't a big fan of school. I wanted to see the world."
"Did you?"
He picked up a cookie. "I saw a lot of places I didn't want to see."
"Is that where you met your wife?"
He bit into the cookie and chewed. "No. She and I had dated in high school. We married right before I enlisted."
It sounded so normal. A guy marrying his high school sweetheart. Ashley looked at Jeff and frowned. She couldn't imagine a moment of it. "You two were pretty young," she said.
"Agreed. Too young. I'd signed up for four years. From day one I knew I'd found where I belonged. I was sent into special operations almost right away. Nicole and I had thought we would be together after boot camp, but that didn't happen. They didn't allow dependents in the places I went, so we were apart more than we were together. That was hard on both of us."
"Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances," she pointed out, trying not to notice the intimacy of the night. The overhead light illuminated the table, but the rest of the kitchen was in shadows. Outside, the darkness was silent. There weren't even any cars driving by.
"Things changed," he said. "I had assignments that were…" He hesitated as if searching for the right word. "Challenging. I couldn't talk about most of what I did, and what I could talk about she didn't want to hear. After a while we stopped talking."
Ashley knew he'd seen things she couldn't even imagine. There were horrors in the world that no sane person would want to know about. But what of the people who had no choice but to live through those experiences?
"You changed," Ashley said, making a statement rather than asking a question.
His gaze sharpened. "That's what Nicole said."
"Wasn't she telling the truth? How could those circumstances not change you?"
"You're right." He stared into the distance, as if exploring his past. "In the end she decided it was easier to leave than to make the marriage work."
"Do you regret that?"
"No."
She wondered if he was telling the truth. "Accepting that a relationship isn't going to work is really tough," she said, then nibbled on a cookie. "I had to make that decision when I was married to Damian. When it was just the two of us, his irresponsibility didn't seem like such a big deal, but after Maggie was born, it mattered more."
She sipped her milk. "Some of the reason I resisted the truth was that I didn't want to admit that I'd made a wrong decision. I'd been so sure he was the one. But within the first couple of months, I knew he wasn't. Still, I tried to fix him. I tried to make him see that working hard at a good job was better than all his dreams about getting rich quick. I wanted the marriage to work."
"Wanting isn't always enough."
She sighed. "I learned that one in spades. Finally I saw that the only person I could save was myself. Damian was getting involved in some scary stuff. I couldn't risk that. I had a daughter to take care of. So I left and hoped he would save himself."
She stared at the table, then began pushing around the cookie crumbs. "It's like with my mom. After my sister was killed, Mom just lost it. Physically she was in the room, but her mind was somewhere else. I begged her to stay with me, to get better, but I couldn't fix her or save her."
Her throat tightened. She didn't usually allow herself to think about her past-certainly not the time when she lost both her sister and her mother, albeit in different ways.
"You're strong," Jeff told her. "A lot of people would have cracked under the pressure, but you survived. That's admirable. You kept your head and your sense of humor."
His praise made her flush. "Yeah, well, sometimes that's all I did have. At least until Maggie. Now she keeps me focused on what's important. As long as we're together we'll be fine."
"Your daughter is very lucky. I respect you, Ashley. I know this has been a difficult time for you. I won't do anything to betray your trust in me."
She looked up and met his steady gaze. Suddenly the room was filled with crackling electricity. She felt mesmerized and incapable of thinking for herself.
Jeff stood. Involuntarily she found herself doing the same. Her chest was tight. Her fingers began to tremble. As he moved around the table, she knew with a certainty that she couldn't explain that he was going to kiss her. Right there in the kitchen. Her heart thundered, her breath came in gasps. Anticipation filled her as her breasts seemed to swell and that secret place between her legs grew damp.
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