She rarely felt any desire in a purely physical way for her partners, beyond the need to lose herself for a few hours in the intensity of the scene. She often remained completely dressed, and she never allowed anyone to top her. Without realizing it, she was becoming the archetypal top. Aloof, cool, physically distant. She could create a scene, give pleasure in the way her partner wished, and walk away untouched herself.

She often drove home over the empty miles of highway with an overwhelming sense of loneliness. She would see the woman she had just made love to in her mind, and she felt nothing. There was no one who moved Kyle inside, no one who could penetrate the barriers she herself had created. Once home, she couldn’t sleep. She would sit with a brandy before the fire, watching the intricate patterns of red and black coals, wondering what was happening to her. Eventually her encounters became less frequent as her sense of detachment grew. The brief intimacy reminded her too painfully of how much she longed to really touch someone, and be touched in return.

CHAPTER TWENTY

IT WAS A COOL fall evening in October. Kyle had just brought in a load of wood and started a fire. The phone interrupted her just as she carried her brandy into the living area.

“Hello,” she said absently.

“Kyle, this is Roger.” Kyle noted instantly the anxiety in his voice. Before she could respond, he went on hurriedly. “Is Nancy there?”

Kyle cursed under her breath. She hated to lie. “Uh, Roger—” she began.

“Never mind,” he sighed. “I know she isn’t. I’ve known for a long time that she wasn’t with you or any of the other friends she said she was visiting. I should have done something before this, but I was afraid. I was afraid if I questioned her, she would just leave for good.”

Kyle empathized with him, but she really didn’t know what to say. “Hell, I’m sorry, Roger. Maybe she just got held up somewhere.”

“You don’t understand. She didn’t come home last night at all. And there’s no sign that she’s been here today. I wouldn’t have called you if I knew what else to do.”

Kyle sighed. “Roger, why don’t you come over here. You sound like you could use some company.”

Roger hesitated. “Kyle, do you think you could find her? Ask her to call me or something. I need to talk to her, to know she’s all right.”

“But I don’t know where she is,” Kyle said in frustration. She realized that she had nearly excluded Nancy from her life completely. Suddenly she felt very selfish. She had been so absorbed by her own pain, she hadn’t even tried to reach Nancy. “I’m sorry.”

“Kyle,” Roger continued, “I thought you might know where she goes at night.”

“Why should I?” Kyle said, hating the feeling of being caught in the middle of Nancy’s and Roger’s problems.

“She’s seeing a woman, isn’t she?” Roger asked quietly. “It’s different this time, not like her little flings with men used to be. She’s so preoccupied she doesn’t even pretend to hide what she’s doing. I always felt before like she just wanted a little diversion, but this time something’s changed.” He stopped, obviously distraught.

Kyle decided to be straightforward. She really didn’t know what else to do. “Look, Roger—Nancy has been going out to some women’s bars. I thought she was just curious, looking for something new. I don’t know if she’s actually involved with anyone. We haven’t really been talking much lately.” She sighed and continued. “I’ll try to find her. I can’t promise she’ll listen to me. But I’ll look for her, okay?”

“Thank you,” Roger said in relief. “I’ll be at home.”

After he hung up, Kyle stared at the fire and finished her brandy. It was time, she thought, to do something for someone else. She couldn’t help Dane. It had been much too late. Maybe it wasn’t too late for Nancy. She got up and carefully prepared for the journey.

She looked for Nancy’s car outside Leathers. It wasn’t there, but Brad’s Mercedes coupe was. Kyle half-hoped that Nancy wasn’t with her. As soon as she entered the bar, she saw them. Brad and Nancy were sitting at a table in the rear, nearly in shadow. Even from a distance Kyle could see that Nancy was drunk, or high on something. Kyle walked directly to them and pulled up an empty chair from a nearby table. Brad looked at her in surprise, a slow smile playing across her lips.

“Why, Kyle. Do sit down. What are you drinking?”

“Beer,” Kyle said, noting the glazed look in Nancy’s eyes. She had never seen her so disheveled before. Kyle’s anger, simmering like a buried coal for so long, began to flare within her.

“Nancy,” she said, touching Nancy’s arm lightly, “are you all right?”

Nancy stared at Kyle, looking confused.

“Of course she is,” Brad replied as she handed Kyle a bottle of beer. “She’s just a little tired out. Right, Nancy?” She laughed and rested her hand possessively on Nancy’s back. She eyed Kyle with interest.

“Isn’t this a little beneath you, Brad?” Kyle said, her voice like flint. “She can’t be much of a challenge for you, can she? A novice, and straight at that.” Kyle tipped her bottle to her lips and watched Brad carefully. She could detect no reaction behind Brad’s impenetrable facade. “I suppose after a while you lose your edge. You can’t really get it up to top someone who’s really a challenge.” She thought she detected a flash of anger in Brad’s dark eyes.

“There’s never been anyone here who could compete with me,” Brad said smugly. “Ask Dane, she’ll tell you how good I am.”

Kyle’s hands clenched around her bottle at the mention of Dane’s name, but she was determined to maintain her self-control. Everything depended upon it.

“There is now, Brad. I’m the only woman left who can top you.” She offered the challenge, knowing Brad would find it hard to refuse.

“What makes you think I’d let you?” Brad replied, clearly intrigued. No one had ever dared to suggest it.

“Because you know I can,” Kyle said flatly. “And if I can’t,” she continued, making the final gamble, “you can have me—any way you want.”

At last Brad’s composure cracked. She leaned forward, an eager hunger on her face. “And how is it decided. If you succeed?”

Kyle leaned forward until her face was very close to Brad’s. “I want you on your knees to me, Brad. I want to hear you beg.” Just like you had Dane.

Brad laughed. “You’re a fool. But even a fool can be interesting. When?”

“Right now,” Kyle replied. “But not here. At Encounters.”

Brad leaned back in her chair and stared at Kyle in amazement. What an advantage Kyle was giving her! Everyone at Encounters would see Kyle fail. And Brad could have her, right there in front of everyone! It was too good to turn down.

“Let’s go,” Brad said, standing. She looked coldly down at Nancy, who had been trying to follow their conversation. “I’m sure the ‘lady’ will find someone to look after her.”

“Go tell the bartender to call her a cab, Kyle ordered, her voice harsh.

Brad stared at her for a second, and then grinned. “All right.”

When she returned, Kyle led her through the crowd to the door.

As Caroline pulled the jeep into the curb she noticed Dane staring past her out the window. She followed her gaze and saw two women pull away down the street.

“Who was that?” she asked.

“No one,” Dane replied. She hadn’t seen Kyle in months, but her figure was unmistakable. As was Brad’s. Dane had been avoiding the bar the last few months. She couldn’t bear to see Kyle, night after night, and watch her change. Dane recognized the hardness in her face and the emptiness in her smile. Even as rumor spread about the ‘new top’, Dane sensed what was happening to Kyle. It had happened to her. The coldness that slowly smothered all feeling, the walls that surrounded all tenderness, until only emptiness remained. She wanted to warn Kyle, to tell her to keep searching, not to give up. Someone would come to love her—as Kyle had come to her. But she couldn’t. She was paralyzed by her own anguish, her own sense of failure. And so she had stopped going out, to avoid watching once again the inevitable ending to the age-old drama. The destruction of hope, the death of the innocence of the heart.

“Come on,” Caroline said, standing by the side of the car, holding Dane’s door open. “I finally got you here. Let’s go get a drink.”

Dane looked up, surprised to realize she had been drifting again. She seemed to lose track of things so easily these days. “Right,” she said, easing her long legs out of the cramped space under the dash. “I’m with you.”

They were there only a short time when Sandy approached them.

“Look you two, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve got a problem.”

Caroline and Dane both looked at Sandy in surprise.

“What’s the matter?” Dane asked.

“It’s that woman over there—Brad’s, uh, friend. Brad left her here and told me to get her a cab. But I can’t get anyone to drive her home. She lives way up the coast. Do you know somewhere she can stay? I hate to lay this on you, but I’m here until three, and she’s already wasted.”

Dane looked over, recognizing Nancy. “I’ll go talk to her,” she said.

“Wait a minute,” Caroline said, grabbing their beers. “I’m coming with you.”

Nancy looked up blankly when they joined her. “Hi there,” she said, her voice slurred. “Come to rescue the damsel in distress?”

Caroline smiled at her compassionately. “Are you all right, hon?”

“Oh, sure,” Nancy replied, searching in her purse for a cigarette. “Just fine. I’ve been deserted— and insulted too, I think.”

Dane reached over to light her cigarette. Nancy stared at the small black and gold lighter.

“Where did you get that?” she questioned.