Maya Banks - Shades of Gray

She shook her head just as emphatically. “No. I thought I was ready. I mean, I was. I don’t know what happened. I wanted it, Cole. I wasn’t scared. I was right there with you and then bam, out of nowhere, panic. Oh my God, the panic was paralyzing and all I could see was them and I even smelled my blood. I felt it. Sticky and wet on my skin. How it felt when he smeared it over me with his own body.”

She shuddered and physically recoiled from the images she described.

Cole’s eyes were murderous and his jaw was so tight it bulged.

Her first instinct was to flee, and she fought it with everything she had. She made herself sit there and face Cole. She had to do this. She had to face it. It wasn’t going away no matter how hard she wished it.

“Don’t let me run from this,” she blurted. “It’s what I do. I run when things get tough. I ran from my old team and the situation there. I ran from the reality of what happened to me in Vienna. I ran from you and my team because I couldn’t deal with what happened. Don’t let me run from this,” she begged.

He stroked her hair with his hand and gently kissed the top of her head. “If you run, I’ll just go after you and haul you right back to me.”

She let out another quiet sob, nearly choking on it in an effort to prevent it escaping.

“Why do you even want to be involved with me?” she asked. “I’m a complete mess. I don’t have my head on straight. I’m a master at fucking up everything that’s good in my life.”

“But you’re my mess,” Cole said quietly. “I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to be you because that’s who I care about.”

She reached for him, hugging him tightly to her. He hugged her just as tightly, his arms like steel around her body.

“It’s going to be okay, P.J.,” he whispered next to her ear. “I’m not going anywhere and we’ll get through this. Together.”

She closed her eyes, savoring the promise. It was the only tangible thing to hold on to when so much else was steeped in murkiness. She couldn’t trust herself. Couldn’t trust her state of mind. But she could trust Cole. He wouldn’t let her go.

COLE paced the kitchen floor, wondering for the hundredth time if he’d made a huge mistake. He wasn’t sure how P.J. would take it. It had been presumptuous of him to barge ahead and follow through with his idea, and now he was having serious doubts. The last thing he wanted was to piss P.J. off and have her cut and run like she said she often did.

He blew out a huge breath and ran a hand through his short-cut hair. Damn it but he’d blown it big last night. He damn well knew that he shouldn’t be making a move that soon after her rape.

And the very fact that she seemed to be handling it so well should have been a big-ass warning sign. She’d been in denial ever since the night those bastards had hurt her. She’d shoved everything back, refusing to face it because that’s what she had to do in order to cope. She’d focused all her energy on revenge.

He felt like a total bastard. She’d fallen completely apart. He’d ended up holding her until she’d drifted off to sleep, and he’d made damn sure he got up before her so she wouldn’t feel any awkwardness when she woke up.

It pissed him off that she’d actually thought she had to apologize to him. Apologize, for Christ’s sake. He was so disgusted with himself.

To take his mind off the phone call he’d placed just moments earlier, he busied himself making breakfast. He was going to bring her breakfast in bed and make damn sure that there was no awkwardness between them or that, God forbid, she’d try to apologize again.

He plated the pancakes, took the pan of bacon off the burner and then put the pieces on a saucer. After grabbing the bottle of syrup from the pantry, he arranged everything on a breakfast tray and started for the bedroom.

She was still fast asleep when he entered the room. The satisfaction of seeing her asleep in his bed, her head on his pillow, was overwhelming.

She looked like she belonged there. Belonged to him.

There were deep shadows under her eyes as if she hadn’t rested well the night before. They made her look much more fragile than he knew her to be. Or maybe he’d made a mistake by assuming she was a lot stronger than she was.

He lowered himself to the edge of the bed, tray across his lap, and he quietly called her name. “P.J. Wake up, baby. I have breakfast for you.”

She stirred and mumbled something in her sleep.

“P.J., wake up,” he said again.

Her eyelids fluttered, revealing cloudy green eyes. She looked confused, as if she were trying to gather her thoughts. He knew the moment she remembered everything that had happened. Her lips turned down into a frown and shame darkened her eyes.

“Hey, I brought you breakfast,” he said, determined not to allow her to feel even a moment’s awkwardness.

She carefully pushed herself upward, grimacing when she flexed her leg. She grabbed one of the pillows and put it behind her back so she was propped up, and then he placed the tray over her lap, pulling out the legs so it was steady.

“It smells wonderful,” she said with a wan smile.

“Dig in. I already ate, but I’m happy to keep you company while you enjoy.”

She glanced nervously at him then retreated, focusing on the food in front of her.

He cursed under his breath and wondered again if he’d made a huge mistake. He may as well lay it all out, and if she got mad, deal with it then. He could always call Sam back and cancel the whole thing.

“I made a phone call this morning,” he began. “This may not be something you want to do, and I’ll understand if it pisses you off. I just thought that it might help.”

She cocked her head and stared back at him, her brow furrowed in puzzlement. “Why would I be pissed?”

He grimaced. “I arranged for you to hook up with the Kelly women today. I told Sam I’d drive you over after breakfast so you could spend some time with Rachel, Sophie, Sarah and Shea.”

She blinked in surprise. “Oookay.”

He could tell she was confused and he rushed to provide an explanation. Hell, it had sounded good at the time. Now it just seemed silly.

He rubbed his hand over his nape in agitation. “Look, I just thought . . . I thought that since they’d gone through some of the stuff you’re going through, they could help. I don’t know, maybe you could talk to them about it. I thought it might help to know you aren’t alone. They’ve endured some pretty heavy shit. Especially Sarah. She was raped too.”

For a long moment P.J. just stared at him. He swallowed nervously, anxiety nipping at his gut. The last thing he wanted was to fuck things up between him and P.J. And this may very well be the thing to do it.

P.J. was intensely private, if nothing else. She wasn’t the kind to spread her business far and wide. He was only now learning shit about her that he never knew, and he’d worked with her for four years.

But then her expression softened and her eyes glowed with a warm light.

“Thank you,” she said. “It was very sweet of you to think of doing that for me.”

Relief was crushing. He damn near wilted on the spot.

“So you aren’t mad?”

Her brow furrowed even deeper. “Mad because you care about me? Enough that you’d drive me all the way out to the KGI compound because you think meeting up with the Kelly wives would help me? You’re a very special man, David Coletrane. I don’t know why the hell you bother with me, but I’m so very glad you do.”

It was all he could do not to haul her into his arms and never let her go.

“Okay then,” he said gruffly. “If you want, finish up and get dressed and we’ll set out as soon as possible so it’s not too late when we get back.”

She smiled and forked another bite of pancake into her mouth. “You know, I could get used to this kind of five-star service.”

He relaxed, warmth spreading through his chest. If this was what it felt like to be in love, he figured he didn’t mind it so much after all.

THE ride to the Kelly compound was tense and silent. Cole attempted to make small talk several times, but P.J.’s mind was preoccupied with the upcoming meeting with all the Kelly women.

The truth was, they made her uncomfortable. She had no idea what to say around them. Had nothing in common with them. She had no idea what to say about babies and girly stuff, and the very last thing she wanted was some come-to-Jesus moment where they got touchy-feely and bared their souls.

The mere idea had her in hives.

But Cole had arranged it because he truly cared about her, and she knew he had her best interests at heart. So how could she possibly refuse without being an ungrateful bitch?

She couldn’t.

Cole had been so nervous and so worried that he’d stepped over the line that she would have done anything at all to reassure him.

So what if she’d rather face an entire squad of crazy-ass terrorists than four other women?

After what she’d put him through last night, she owed him a lot, and if it made him feel better, she’d endure damn near anything.

When they pulled into the compound, P.J.’s eyes widened at the progress that had been made. It looked very much near to completion. There was a helipad, training facilities and a firing range. The only thing that looked as though it wasn’t finished was the single airstrip where the Kelly jets could land and be hangared.