Maya Banks - Shades of Gray

“Look who’s talking,” he pointed out. “I know nothing about your family. Or your past, other than what I’ve recently learned about S.W.A.T.”

“Okay so you give and I’ll give,” she said, raising one brow in challenge.

“Seriously? You’re going to tell me all your secrets?”

“Oh good grief,” she muttered. “I’m the most boring person on the planet. I’m boring in self-defense because my upbringing was on the weird side.”

Cole’s brows went up. “Okay, now you have me curious.”

She smiled sweetly. “Oh no, you first.”

He shook his head. “Not much to tell, really. My folks were killed in a car accident my senior year of high school. I’m an only child, so no siblings in the picture.”

“Oh damn,” she said softly. “That had to suck.”

For a moment she could see lingering sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, it did. I still miss them. I had a college scholarship to play baseball. I was a star player in high school. Took our team to the playoffs and we won the state championship my senior year. A week before my parents were killed.”

“I had no idea you played baseball,” she said in surprise.

He shrugged. “After they died, I was at loose ends. I mean I just kind of fell apart. Didn’t go to school. Gave up my scholarship. Had people telling me I was fucking up life and my chance at the pros and it wasn’t what my parents would have wanted. All I knew was that the two people I loved most in the world were gone and I didn’t really give a fuck if I didn’t play for a pro team. Why would I when they’d never be there to see me?”

“Yeah, I get it,” P.J. said.

“So I grieved for a while. Felt sorry for myself. Wondered what the fuck to do with my life. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and thought, why not join the navy? I have no idea why I picked that branch. It was a total impulse decision and I went the next day to the recruiter so I couldn’t change my mind. Turned out to be the best decision I ever made. It’s made me who and what I am today. I was scared shitless going in, but once I got through boot camp everything just clicked into place.”

“So why’d you leave then?”

“Good question. Honestly I think it’s because I’d reached a goal and I kept thinking what next? I was a SEAL. I achieved something very few others do but I still felt restless. I heard about KGI through one of my buddies and it sounded right up my alley. I met with Sam and Garrett and then I resigned my commission. The rest, as they say, is history.”

“I bet you just had issues with authority and having such a rigid set of rules to live by,” she teased.

He smiled ruefully. “I admit, I like working for KGI and for Steele. I already told you I’m a gray-area guy. Not that there aren’t plenty of gray areas in the military, but KGI kind of makes their own rules. They choose their missions. When you belong to Uncle Sam, you do what you’re told whether you agree with it or not.”

She nodded her understanding.

“So what about you? You never mention family.”

She grimaced. “I grew up in a very religious environment.”

He reared back in mock surprise. “You? Religious? With that mouth? You must have been the bane of your mother’s existence.”

“Ha-ha. You’re so funny. I was a very sweet, nonviolent child, I’ll have you know.”

He had just taken a drink and he snorted and then choked as he tried to swallow it down without spewing.

“I bet you used to give the boys hell and I bet no one messed with you on the playground.”

She sighed. “I was painfully shy. I was different from the other kids. No television. Just books. I wore dresses until I was a teenager. Wearing jeans to school my junior year was my big act of rebellion.”

He looked at her in utter confusion. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “Yup. I had a charismatic upbringing. Very holy-roller type of environment. Never cut my hair. Didn’t wear pants. Very patriarchal church and home life.”

Cole shook his head. “You’ve blown my mind. How in the hell did you go from that to where you are now?”

“My uncle was a big hunter and he used to take me. He’d let me dress up in camo and I felt like such a badass. We’d spend time sighting in our rifles and I was a natural. He encouraged my marksmanship. My mom had a fit when she realized just how much time I was spending ‘playing with the devil’s instruments,’ as she put it.”

“Wow,” Cole said. “I’m at a loss for words. It boggles the mind. I wouldn’t have guessed your background in a million years.”

P.J. chuckled. “Yeah, most people wouldn’t.”

“So what happened? I mean, what did they think when you joined S.W.A.T., and do they know what you do for KGI?”

Her lips turned down, and for a moment she was silent as she relived the last time she’d seen her mother.

“We uh . . . don’t speak.”

Cole frowned. “Ever?”

“Not since I left high school. She washed her hands of me. Said I’d never amount to anything. I was too bent on a life of sin. My older brother was already a pastor of his own church, and I guess they thought I should be more like him. The way I figure it, they pray for the world, and I save it.”

“So you seriously don’t talk to them? It was over? Just like that?”

The incredulity in his voice bordered on condemnation and it rubbed her the wrong way.

“I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be,” she said quietly. “And they weren’t willing to accept anything else. It wasn’t my choice.”

Cole grimaced. “I’m sorry. I probably sound all judgy. It’s just that I’d give anything to have my parents back. I can’t imagine not speaking to them or seeing them.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m being too touchy. I guess they’re still a sore subject for me. I hadn’t realized how much of one.”

“What about your dad? I mean, all you’ve mentioned is your mother and how she felt.”

P.J. curled her lip in disgust. “For such a patriarchal system in the church and supposedly the home, my mother wore the pants and my father was a spineless coward who shied away from any conflict. He wouldn’t have stood up for me or anyone else against my mother. She ruled the roost and it was her way or the highway.”

Cole shook his head. “That sucks. I guess I get why you have such a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Can’t say I blame you.”

“I just stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t for people who’d never be satisfied with the end result anyway. Trying to please my mother was like trying to push a rope through the eye of a needle. I think my biggest sin was being born a girl who preferred to do boy things. She just wanted me to look pretty and marry young.”

“Lucky for me you’re such a rebel,” Cole said with a grin. “It would suck if you were married with half a dozen hellions attached to your apron strings.”

She shuddered. “Thanks for that image.”

He laughed. But then his expression grew serious. “I like you just the way you are, P.J. Don’t ever change. You’re a very special woman. Don’t ever think you aren’t.”

Warmth traveled to the very heart of her. Into her soul, chasing away long-held shadows and allowing the sun in after an endless winter.

She stared into his eyes, soaking up all the warmth she could. “I just want to say thank you, Cole.”

He cocked his head. “What for?”

“Everything. For being you. For being so patient with me. For having my back.”

His eyes softened. “I’ll always have your back, P.J. You’ll never have to look far to find me.”

P.J. was awake early the next morning. Her leg was stiff and she could barely move it to get out of bed without screeching pain shooting up her thigh.

She flexed and stretched her leg, grimacing as she tried to loosen the muscles.

Knowing she’d have to strip down when she got to the hospital, she opted to wear sweats and a T-shirt, this time pulling on a sports bra.

When she limped into the kitchen, she saw Cole at the table drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper. It struck her how domestic the entire scene was. All that was missing was for her to walk over, kiss him and say good morning.

Was this what it was like for married couples? That comfortable existence that bordered on boring?

Cole looked up from the newspaper and his eyes warmed when he saw her. “Morning, P.J. How’s the leg?”

Yeah, she could totally see them falling into this kind of routine. She loved that he seemed happy to see her. Would that ever lessen? Would they end up taking each other for granted? Would they lose the easy friendship between them and start sniping like an old married couple?

She shuddered at the thought. She was getting way ahead of herself anyway. They had far too many issues to work out before she could start thinking about long-term commitment.

“It was pretty stiff when I got up,” she admitted. “Hurt like hell but I worked out some of the kinks, and if I keep moving, it stays loose.”

He frowned. “Sit down. Let me get you something to eat and then I’ll give you a pain pill. We’ll leave as soon as you’re done eating. I figure the quicker we get over there, the sooner we can get out and you aren’t stuck the entire day at the hospital.”

“You know me so well,” she said with a grin.

She settled into a chair and watched as he fussed over her. It was such an odd sensation. She and Derek had been together two full years and had never developed the easy rapport she and Cole had. And she certainly couldn’t ever imagine Derek actually doing the little things for her that Cole did.

The sex had been good. She’d give that to Derek, but in the end, that’s all there’d been to their relationship. Sex. No emotional connection. No loyalty. Nothing she couldn’t have gotten with any other man.