Maya Banks - Shades of Gray

Well, he couldn’t do that. No matter what she wanted, he couldn’t go back to the easy camaraderie and bullshit of before. Maybe this was one-sided, but he was carrying around a pretty heavy obsession for her and it sucked.

If he closed his eyes, he could still smell her. Taste her. Could feel her skin against his. But it wasn’t just sex. He could get that anywhere, and he’d gone a long time without because none of the women were P.J.

They just clicked. There was something indefinable about their connection, and he knew he couldn’t have been the only one to have felt it.

There was an audible sigh of relief when Baker strode through the door a moment later. He looked tense, as if he were expecting the worst. His gaze automatically swept the room, and he frowned, almost as if he were doing a head count.

Yeah, they were down one and it sucked.

“What’s up, Steele?” Baker asked.

“Take a seat,” Steele ordered.

Baker slid into one of the chairs and Cole remained standing. Steele didn’t even bark an order his way.

“P.J. came to see me two days ago,” Steele began.

Cole surged forward. “What the fuck? And you’re just now getting around to telling me—us? Where is she? How is she? Is she all right?”

Steele held up his hand. His expression was grim. “She quit the team.”

The entire room exploded with what-the-fucks but Cole didn’t say a word. His nostrils flared and he heaved several breaths through them, willing himself not to lose complete control.

“Where is she now?” Cole gritted out. Like hell she was quitting. Of all the things he thought Steele might say, that wasn’t one of them.

Steele sighed. “I don’t know.”

Dolphin held up his hand, his head shaking in disbelief. But Cole beat him to the punch.

“Let me get this straight. P.J. came to you. She quit the team. And you just let her walk out of here and you have no idea where she is or where she was going?”

“I told her I wouldn’t accept her resignation,” Steele said. “She was adamant. She gave me this bullshit story about not wanting to bring the team down and that she needed time.”

“And you bought that load of crap?” Cole asked incredulously.

Everyone else had quieted and looked between Steele and Cole with apprehension. Steele was their commander and he was afforded the respect due that position. Always. Until now. He wasn’t ever questioned. Until now.

“I didn’t say I bought anything, but I couldn’t force her to stay. I can’t force her to make decisions we think are for the best. She asked for time and space. I couldn’t not give it to her.”

“Jesus,” Dolphin muttered. “You blew this one, Steele. It’s fine to pull that ice man routine on the job and on a mission. But this is a goddamn teammate we’re talking about here. No one gives a fuck about being fair and evenhanded in this situation. She needs us, and you let her walk away.”

Steele rounded furiously on Dolphin. Before Cole could blink, he had Dolphin against the wall, his forearm across Dolphin’s neck.

“Don’t you fucking talk to me about being an ice man. I was there, remember? I heard every goddamn thing that happened to her. She’s mine. Just like every one of you are mine. If you don’t think I’m furious over the entire situation then fuck you.”

Dolphin stared back unflinchingly, and finally Steele loosened his hold and stepped back. Just as quickly, Steele collected himself and the cool facade was back in place. But now they all knew just how close he was to the edge.

Cole turned and rammed his fist into the wall. He couldn’t even think for imagining P.J. alone, feeling God knows what. She’d quit the fucking team. They were family. And she walked away.

He drew back to hit the wall again and was nearly tackled by Baker and Renshaw. They took him down, pinning him to the floor.

“Get off me!” Cole roared.

“Chill your ass out,” Renshaw barked. “None of this is helping.”

“Enough!” Steele bellowed.

Cole flipped Baker off his chest and then swung at Renshaw. Renshaw ducked the punch, but it was enough to unbalance him, and Cole was back on his feet and staring a hole through Steele.

“I agree with Dolphin on this one, ice man. You blew it.” He advanced on Steele until it was virtually only the two of them. The others faded into the background as Cole faced his team leader down.

“Goddamn you, Steele, you knew I was looking for her. You knew I’d been all over Denver. You knew how fucking worried I’ve been. And you just let her go and you get around to telling us two days later? What the fuck, man?”

Steele’s jaw tightened. “I hoped she’d change her mind.”

“Yeah, well, how did that work out for you? What the fuck are we supposed to do? Pretend nothing happened? Move on? Take another mission? Hell, why don’t we just replace her since she’s so goddamn expendable?”

“Enough, Cole,” Steele said, his voice as cold as ice.

“Enough is right,” Cole said, fury rising, sharper, harder with every breath.

He turned and stalked toward the door.

“Whoa, wait a minute,” Dolphin said. “Where the hell are you going?”

Cole turned and looked at his team,that was no longer the same. It never would be. It wasn’t a team without P.J.

“I’m out,” he clipped out. “I’m going after P.J. I’m not leaving her to shoulder this alone. She needs us.”

“Don’t be so damn hotheaded,” Steele growled.

Cole’s lip curled in disgust. “Yeah? Why don’t you stop being so fucking coldhearted. What you did was wrong and you damn well know it. You should have sat on her if you had to until we could hash this out as a team.”

“She came to me,” Steele snapped. “Not you. Not the team. She came to me, so I can only assume she wanted it that way.”

Steele’s words dug deep because he was right. It was obvious P.J. had no intention of facing Cole, and it gutted him.

“I don’t give a damn what she thinks she wanted,” Cole said softly. “She’s not thinking straight and we all know it. Sometimes doing the right thing is all wrong. Giving her space and time and all that other bullshit is great on paper, but you and I both know that the very last thing she needs is to be alone. We’re her family. Her only family. We’re supposed to give a damn. We’re supposed to stand up for her when no one else will. And we’re damn sure supposed to call her out when she’s making stupid choices and fucking up. That’s what family does. Live and die as a team, right? Well, you hung her out to dry, Steele. And you hung the rest of us out right along with her, because now we all look like a bunch of uncaring assholes who just let her walk away without a fight.”

“Hooyah,” Dolphin said quietly.

Steele looked like he wanted to hit somebody. Cole stared challengingly at him because right now he’d love a good fight. Steele was rattled, and he didn’t often get rattled, but Cole didn’t give a shit.

“Her last team did the same goddamn thing we’re doing,” Cole said in disgust. He shouldn’t break P.J.’s confidence. She’d opened up to him when she hadn’t opened up to anyone else. But right now he’d fight dirty if that’s what it took. Steele and the others needed to know what they were dealing with.

“You talking about S.W.A.T.?” Renshaw asked.

“Yeah. She walked away because they hung her out to dry. She did the right thing and turned in a dirty cop. They turned on her and made her look like a vindictive ex-lover out for revenge. Not one of them fought for her. Over my dead body is that going to happen this time. We’re fighting for her. She deserves that much.”

“I’m with Cole on this one,” Baker said in a low voice.

“Me too,” Dolphin said.

“And me,” Renshaw echoed. “She’s one of us. When she goes down, we go down. We’re not picking up and moving on without her.”

“Hell no,” Cole snarled.

Cole stared at Steele for a long time before finally turning away. “I’m going to be gone. If you need me, I’ll have my cell.”

Then he turned back to Steele once more when he reached the doorway.

“Consider this my request for vacation time.”

SIX MONTHS LATER . . .

COLE stepped out of his truck and inhaled the crisp air, trying to shake some of the fog from his mind. Steele had called him and tersely told him to report to the KGI compound. He hadn’t waited for confirmation. He’d just issued the order and hung up.

Given what little Cole had given his team since P.J.’s disappearance, Cole was surprised Steele bothered. He was even more surprised that he found himself here.

Cole had spent the winter alternating between searching for leads on P.J. and secluding himself at his home in Camden, just a short distance from the KGI compound.

P.J. had vanished. It frustrated him to no end. He’d spent a lot of time canvassing her neighborhood, talking to people about her. The problem was, no one really knew her. The bartender and waitress at the pub where he’d gone to see her that first night said she had been a regular but kept to herself and never talked to other customers.

Cole had even gone so far as to see the commander of her S.W.A.T. unit. It had taken all he had not to lose his temper and get some payback on P.J.’s behalf, but getting information had been more important than his fury over her betrayal.

It had been like hitting a brick wall, though. At the mention of P.J.’s name, the commander had clammed up and refused to discuss anything having to do with her. Cole told the asshole what he thought about him and his team of dickheads before taking his leave.