Stefan Golaszewski - Sex with a Stranger

RUTH. It just seems weird though doesn’t it.

ADAM (offstage). It’s not weird.

RUTH. Well it is a bit weird.

He pokes his head onstage—

ADAM. It’s not weird.

– and leaves again.

RUTH. Imagine if you didn’t invite me out for your birthday. Everyone would think it was weird.

ADAM (offstage). It’s not his birthday. (Coming back on with the jumper GRACE was wearing earlier.) His birthday was on Wednesday.

Blackout.

ADAM sits on the sofa putting his shoes on. RUTH sits beside him in silence, watching. He puts one shoe on and ties the laces. Then—

ADAM. Have you got any chewing gum?

RUTH. Yeah. In my bag.

ADAM. The brown one?

RUTH. Yeah.

He puts the other shoe on and ties the laces. She sits there in silence, watching.

Blackout.

RUTH and ADAM’s living room. RUTH stands there. ADAM’s offstage.

RUTH. I’m gonna be so nervous tonight. God… I’ll just be sitting here thinking of my solo all night. Because if I muck this up you know he’ll never trust me with a solo again. That’s what happened to Soph.

ADAM (offstage). You’ll be fine.

RUTH. I hope so. (As if it’s funny.) I’ll probably drive myself crazy thinking about it. You’ll come back later and find me sat here like a gibbering wreck!

ADAM (offstage). Don’t be silly. Get a good night’s sleep tonight and you’ll wow them all tomorrow.

RUTH. If I can sleep!

ADAM (offstage). Take a Nytol.

RUTH. Yeah.

He comes on. His hair is gelled as in Act One. She’s visibly surprised.

ADAM. What?

RUTH (smiles). Nice.

ADAM. Thanks.

He starts putting the jumper on, careful of his hair. She considers saying something. She says something else.

RUTH. What sort of time d’you think you’ll be back? I don’t mean it like that but—

ADAM. I don’t know really. Could be late.

RUTH. Will you text me when you’re on your way?

ADAM. Yeah. Of course. Don’t wait up though. I don’t want to disturb your violin sleep.

RUTH (laughs). No. Thank you.

He smiles at her and leaves the stage. During the following, we see RUTH disintegrate.

ADAM (offstage). D’you know what? Thinking about it, I might even just crash at Robert’s or something. I’ll have to see how it goes. They were talking about everyone crashing at his tonight. Because it’ll be late and I don’t want to get a night bus because they can be really dangerous can’t they and I don’t want to disturb you. So actually, thinking about it, we’ll probably all just crash at his.

RUTH (trying to sound normal). Okay. Cool. Or you could get a cab?

ADAM (offstage). Expensive.

He comes back onstage. RUTH’s face picks up again.

RUTH. When you’ve made your millions from your website, you’ll be getting cabs everywhere…!

He just smiles at her.

ADAM. Is that okay then? If I crash at Robert’s.

RUTH. Yeah. Of course. Do what you want.

ADAM. Have you seen my keys?

She leaves the stage. He puts chewing gum in his mouth. She comes back on with his keys.

Thanks.

A beat – he looks at his phone.

I’d better be off.

RUTH. You’ll be back for the concert though won’t you?

ADAM. Of course I will! Blimey. As if I’d miss that!

RUTH. I’m so nervous.

ADAM. You’ll be fine. You never stop practising that thing.

Blackout.

RUTH and ADAM’s living room. ADAM’s ready to go out. RUTH stands there.

RUTH. Are you sure? You’ve only had a salad.

ADAM. I’ll be fine.

RUTH. Sorry.

ADAM. Don’t worry.

RUTH. The pie’s looking nice.

ADAM. Honestly.

RUTH. You’ll need to line your stomach.

ADAM. I’ll be fine.

RUTH. Cool. Cool

She watches him get ready, scratching her hand.

Maybe tomorrow, after the concert, we should go to bed early. Get an early night.

ADAM. Sounds good.

RUTH. Take our time over it.

ADAM. Yeah. Cool.

A beat.

I’d better go.

RUTH. They’re not gonna go to any strip clubs are they?

ADAM laughs. Seeing this, RUTH laughs too.

ADAM. What?! Where did that come from?! No! You know us! As if we’d go to some seedy little strip club!

RUTH. Sorry – I had to ask or I’d be sitting here going mad thinking of you looking at women like that and you all laughing.

ADAM. Of course I won’t be looking at women like that! Of course we won’t go to a strip club.

RUTH. Okay. Sorry. I just thought there must be a reason Katie’s not going and—

ADAM. Ruth.

RUTH (as if it’s funny). – I had this image of like these wild women and you boys all going mad about them.

ADAM (laughs). I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?

RUTH. Yeah. Cool. Sorry. (As if it’s a shared joke.) Make sure you text me and let me know how the dreaded clubbing goes!

ADAM. Definitely! But we won’t go clubbing. I’m sure.

RUTH. Really?

ADAM. I dunno. But yeah. I’ll text you. Of course. Let you know how awful it is!

RUTH. Yeah! And make sure you text me any Robert and Katie news…!

ADAM. Definitely! Yes!

RUTH. They’re such a funny couple!

ADAM. Yes!

A beat.

Right. I’d better be off.

He moves off.

RUTH. Cool.

A beat.

I think I’ll have a tidy. Clean the bathroom. Your study could do with a clear-out.

ADAM (turning back, like a bullet). I wouldn’t bother.

RUTH. When did you last clean it?

ADAM. Seriously. Everything’s in an order, I know where everything is. I like it like that.

RUTH. I’ll just give it a once-over. Sort out your folders.

ADAM. Honestly. Leave it. Relax. Have some time to yourself. Don’t worry about it. Read your book.

RUTH. I don’t mind.

ADAM. Seriously. Read your book. I don’t want you sorting out my folders on a Saturday night!

They laugh.

Seriously. Have some downtime. Read your book. Get in the right frame of mind for tomorrow.

RUTH. Okay.

ADAM. Good. Well I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll see you afterwards, okay? Good luck.

RUTH. Thanks.

ADAM. I’ll be in the foyer.

RUTH. I might be a bit longer than normal because they’ll want to go through how it went and the solo and everything.

ADAM. Cool. No worries. I’ll wait.

RUTH. Cool. Thanks.

ADAM. And no tidying!

RUTH. No. Okay. Thanks.

ADAM. Bye then.

RUTH. Bye.

She goes in for a kiss. They kiss, a peck on the lips. He leaves.

RUTH stands onstage alone, dead still.

She leaves the stage. Pause on the empty stage. She returns with her book and a piece of her steaming-hot apple pie. She sits on the sofa and removes her shoes. She gets her phone out and puts it beside her, in her line of vision.

She reads her book. She eats her pie, blowing on it because it’s hot. She reads her book. Hold on this for a long time. She then looks up for a moment with a thought. She then returns to her book. Hold on this.

Blackout.

The End.

STEFAN GOLASZEWSKI

Stefan Golaszewski co-wrote and performed in Cowards on Radio 4 (2007, 2008) and BBC4 (2009). He produced and performed his first two plays at the Pleasance Courtyard (2008) and the Traverse Theatre (2009) in Edinburgh, and then together as The Stefan Golaszewski Plays at the Bush Theatre in London (2009–10). His play Sex with a Stranger was first performed at the Trafalgar Studios in 2012. He was the writer, creator and executive producer of BBC3’s Him & Her (2010–13), winning the BAFTA for Best Situation Comedy in 2014.

NICK HERN BOOKS London www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

A Nick Hern Book

Sex with a Stranger first published in 2012 by Nick Hern Books Limited, The Glasshouse, 49a Goldhawk Road, London W12 8QP