GRACE. It’s from the sixties.

ADAM. Very nice.

GRACE. Sorry – they’re definitely in here.

ADAM. It’s fine.

She looks. He’s trying to be patient. He points.

They’re nice.

GRACE. The lady upstairs does them.

ADAM. Oh. Nice.

GRACE. She’s a bit of a bitch but she’s cool. (Signalling around them.) She looks after the garden as well.

ADAM. Nice.

A beat.

They’re not in your pocket are they?

GRACE (not checking). No.

She looks in her bag. As she does so—

I’ll just have to go in first and check my bedroom’s cool.

ADAM. Cool.

She looks for her keys. We can sense his despair.

So who mows the grass? Does the lady upstairs do that as well?

She ignores him. She looks in her bag. She then stops and looks up at him.

GRACE. Have you got condoms?

ADAM. Yeah.

GRACE. I’ve run out.

ADAM. I’ve got three.

GRACE. Cool.

She looks in her bag.

Blackout.


Empty stage. A beat. A young woman, RUTH, walks from stage left across the stage carrying an iron in silence. She exits stage right.

Blackout.


The club. Music so loud they have to shout above it. We can just about hear them. They can just about hear each other. Big smiles from them both throughout.

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE (giggling). What?!

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE. What for?!

ADAM. Come outside with me!

GRACE (giggling). Why?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I wanna show you!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. Just come outside and you’ll see!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I want to show you!

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat. GRACE and ADAM are hushedly, hysterically laughing, bent double, trying not to make any noise. They shush each other, which only makes them laugh more. They laugh and laugh and shush and shush.

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat. The hallway. They’re still hysterical, giggling but having to hush themselves. They speak in whispers through their laughter.

ADAM. Are you gonna tell him?

GRACE. I don’t know! I might have to…

ADAM. Grace!

She laughs even more.

Blackout.


GRACE’s flat again. They’re still laughing and whispering through the hysterics.

ADAM. You should’ve told me it was there!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to—

ADAM. Shsh!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to tread on it!

ADAM (loud). It was a mistake!

She shushes him. They laugh again.

Don’t you shush me!

He grabs her.

Blackout.


Outside the club. Music comes from inside the club. He snogs her cold, hard, up against a wall.

Blackout.


Silence and empty stage.

RUTH comes on with an ironing board. She unfolds its legs, having trouble making them remain up – she doesn’t quite know how the thing works. She leaves again, returns with the iron and plugs it in, allowing it to heat up. She then leaves to get ADAM’s creased shirt, places the creased shirt on an ironing board and irons it in silence. She irons it perfectly, carefully and completely. It’s ironed in real time, as long as it takes. The only sound is the sound of the iron. She lifts the shirt and looks at it, finished.

Blackout.


GRACE’s kitchen. A CD plays quietly.

GRACE. Shall we have a drink?

ADAM. Erm. I don’t know. Are you having one?

GRACE. I don’t mind. D’you want one?

ADAM. Yeah. If you do. (At something by her.) That’s nice.

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. For your keys?

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. Yeah. Good idea.

GRACE. Yeah.

A beat.

So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. What have you got?

GRACE. God… Lots of things. Pretty much everything I think. Most of it’s my flatmate’s but he won’t know. What d’you think?

ADAM. I don’t mind. I’ll have whatever you’re having.

GRACE. Something alcoholic? Non-alcoholic?

ADAM. Erm… Alcoholic? I don’t mind really.

GRACE. Okay. God. Look at it all. We could stay up all night drinking couldn’t we?

ADAM. Yeah…!

She laughs. He laughs along.

GRACE. Couldn’t we though!

ADAM. Yeah!

GRACE. I’d love to do that. Have you ever done that?

ADAM. Yeah. Once or twice.

GRACE (with an edge). Who with?

ADAM (the tiniest hesitation). Friends.

GRACE. Oh my God. Abi’s done that. Funny… So funny. God… I can’t wait to tell her…!

ADAM. Yes!

A beat.

GRACE. So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. Erm—

Blackout.


They both have non-matching shot glasses she’s poured tequila in.

ADAM. That was funny at the door wasn’t it?

GRACE. Yeah. Amazing. God.

ADAM. Amazing!

GRACE. D’you want salt and lime?

ADAM. Erm. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.

GRACE. I’ve definitely got salt. I don’t know if he’s got—

ADAM. Don’t worry.

GRACE. Actually, he keeps a lot of stuff in his bedroom—

ADAM. Honestly, I’m fine.

GRACE. Okay. Cool. (About the glasses.) I didn’t know we had these.

ADAM. Ha!

A beat.

(At the fridge.) Who’s that?

GRACE. My nan. She’s dead now.

ADAM. Oh. Sorry.

GRACE. Thanks.

They look at their drinks.

ADAM. Shall we?

GRACE. Yes!

Blackout.


ADAM waits outside the bathroom. GRACE washes her hands and her teeth and uses mouthwash.

Hold on this for a while – they do the things they would. His phone rings. He’s startled and silences it. He watches it flashing in silence.

She flushes and comes out, just as he puts his phone away. She sees. He knows she’s seen. She pretends she hasn’t.

GRACE. All right?

ADAM. Yeah. Yeah.

Blackout.


GRACE’s hallway. They don’t hold each other.

ADAM. Such a long hallway.

GRACE. Yes. It is isn’t it. I’ve often thought that.

ADAM. Very clean though.

GRACE. Thanks. We’ve got a cleaner. She’s so fucking expensive.

ADAM. Is she?

GRACE. Yeah.

A beat.

(At a wall.) That’s my flatmate. I think he worked in France for a bit. He’s night manager in the big Sainsbury’s.

ADAM. So is he at work?

GRACE. I don’t know.

ADAM. Can we find out?

GRACE. I dunno.

A beat.

I met him on the internet. He seems nice though.

ADAM. That’s nice.

A beat.

GRACE. Can you guess which bedroom’s mine?

ADAM (immediately). That one?

GRACE. Yeah.

She giggles.

Well here we are!

ADAM. Yes!

GRACE. I’ll just check if—

ADAM. Yeah. Cool.

GRACE. Cool.

Blackout.


ADAM waits on his own. His phone buzzes and he takes it out of his pocket and watches it flash in silence. He holds it and lets it ring off. He puts it in his pocket. He waits.

Blackout.


GRACE comes back on.

GRACE. All done!

ADAM. Great.

GRACE. The bed’s quite low so be careful of your shins.

ADAM. Yeah. Thanks.

GRACE. And I’ve found you a towel for the morning.

ADAM. Great.

GRACE. D’you have any plans for tomorrow?

ADAM. Oh. You know. Don’t know.

GRACE. Cool. Take it as it comes.

ADAM. Yeah.

GRACE. Cool.

She pecks him on the lips. A beat.

ADAM (through a smile). So shall I come in? Or are we gonna stand here all night?

GRACE (through a smile). Yeah.

Blackout.


ADAM’s sat in a concert hall, programme in hand, listening to a violin solo.

Blackout.


GRACE’s wedding day. She speaks through a microphone. The responses are pre-recorded and sound as if at a wedding – in a big tent, loads of people rustling, laughing, etc. She reads her speech from a piece of paper.

GRACE. It is no secret that I have always believed in love at first sight. I didn’t know if I would but I always held out hope that I’d meet the man of my dreams and fall head over heels in love. (Clears her throat.) As a lot of you will know, I kissed many a frog before I found my Prince Charming. But when I met Paul I knew that it was worth the wait. Not only is he a very successful and intelligent man, and a true Christian, but he has also has a great sense of humour and we have an amazing time together. (Looks up to the audience.) He is the night sky that lets my star shine. (Turning to him, reading again.) Paul, I want to tell you that – I want to tell you that my heart will always be yours. May our hearts live on for the rest of our days – and beyond – intertwined and warm with the glow of our everlasting love. I will always be by your side.