A cold numbness crept into her, pushing aside all the warmth she'd felt just heartbeats ago. "Why?"

Finally a crack showed in the granite of his expression, and disbelief showed through. "Bloody hell, there are more reasons than I have breaths to name them."

"I'll settle for one."

"You know them as well as I do."

"Because I'm getting married."

He shook his head and again stabbed his fingers into his hair. "That's only one of them, the one that has to do with my honor." A bitter sound escaped him. "Or what's left of it." He grasped her by the shoulders, and she saw that his eyes were no longer flat. No, now they were filled with unmistakable anguish. And anger. Although she couldn't tell if he was angry with her or with himself. "I told you-I don't take things that don't belong to me, Julianne. It's a point of pride and honor to me. And as much as I might wish it otherwise, you do not, cannot, will not ever belong to me."

"You are not the only one who would wish it otherwise, Gideon," she said quietly.

He released her and stepped back. "It doesn't matter what either of us might wish. The fact remains you are engaged-"

"Not officially-"

"Irrelevant. It is only a matter of papers to be signed. But even if you weren't betrothed, this… attraction between us is completely impossible. You're an earl's daughter. An aristocrat. A wealthy member of society. I am so far below you socially, I need to stand on a ladder and look up just to squint at the hem of your skirt."

"I told you, the trappings of wealth aren't important to me."

"It doesn't matter. You cannot change who you are. Who I am. And who I'm not. Fancy balls and gowns and jewels might not be important to you, but they're a part of your world. And that is something I'll never be-a part of your world. Your duty is to-"

"Marry according to my father's wishes?" she said bitterly.

"In your world, yes."

"And what is your duty, Gideon?"

"To let you do it. To not steal your innocence-or what bloody little I've left you with. The innocence that belongs to you." A muscle ticked in his jaw. "And your future husband."

"You've taken nothing I haven't freely given."

"Nonetheless, I shouldn't have taken it. I'd resolved I would never touch you. Then, after I did, I resolved it was a mistake, one that couldn't be repeated." He shook his head, closed his eyes, and blew out a long, slow breath. Then he looked at her again. "Clearly it is one thing to resolve not to do something and quite another to follow through on that resolve. But I won't fail again. I will not, cannot make the same mistake again."

Mistake. That's all she was, what they'd shared, to him. "You must think me a terrible wanton."

He shook his head. "No. I take full responsibility. I completely lost control of myself."

"A generous and noble offer, but I cannot allow it. I am just as responsible, if not more so, as I desperately wanted you to lose your control."

Julianne reached out to touch him, but he stepped back, shaking his head. She pressed her empty hands against her midriff, realizing that it wasn't just her hands that were empty. It was everything. Her life. Her heart. Her soul. She felt as if she were trying to hold water in her clenched fists; no matter how hard she gripped, it still trickled through until only emptiness remained.

"Gideon…I have so little time left." She kept her gaze steady on his, fully aware of the desperation creeping into her voice and not caring. "I've been happier in these stolen moments with you than I've ever been in my entire life-"

"Stop. Please." He moved toward her with jerky steps, then cupped her face in his hands. His eyes looked tormented. "God help me, I have no defenses against you. So please don't share any more of yourself, your feelings, with me. Please don't let me see any more of your heart. I don't deserve it, and it's making an already impossible situation even more so." He squeezed his eyes briefly shut then said in a rough whisper, "You have no idea how close to impossible it is for me to walk away as it is."

She reached up and clasped his wrists. "Then don't walk away, Gideon." The words sounded like a desperate plea, but she didn't care. "Let us be together for the next fortnight, until I must leave. I agree it is all we can have of each other. But let us have that much."

His gaze searched hers, and she made no attempt to hide her feelings from him. She let him see all her hopes and wishes, all her wants and needs and desires. All her love. And with her insides jittering with anxiety, she prayed.

Several long seconds passed in silence. Then he slowly released her. And stepped back.

"I can't," he said. "I can't do it to you or myself. If anyone caught wind of this, the scandal would ruin you. You could lose everything."

"And you would lose your honor."

"Yes."

A bitter sound escaped her. There obviously was no point in telling him that, except for creature comforts, she had nothing.

Dear God, how was it possible to hurt so badly when she felt so numb? She managed to jerk her head in a tight nod. "I… I think it's best if I retire now." She pushed the words past the lump clogging her throat, but with the tears pushing behind her eyes she knew her hold on her emotions was tenuous.

Walking as swiftly as she could, she made her way to the blue bedchamber. She heard Gideon walking behind her, heard Caesar trotting next to his master, and Princess Buttercup panting as she jogged to keep up. When they reached her chamber, she scooped up her dog and waited in the corridor while Gideon checked the room.

"All is secure," he said a moment later. "Caesar will remain outside your door. No harm will come to you."

"Thank you," she said tonelessly. No point in telling him the harm had already been done.

And that she'd never, ever be the same.


* * *

After seeing Caesar settled in the corridor outside Julianne's door with a command to guard, Gideon entered his bedchamber. He shut the door behind him then leaned back against the oak panel.

Bloody hell. What a night.

He closed his eyes, a mistake, as he was instantly bombarded with the images he desperately wanted, needed to forget. Of Julianne smiling. Laughing. Teaching him to waltz. Lifting her face for his kiss. Succumbing to her climax. Looking at him with her heart in her eyes.

And what had he done to deserve such an adoring look? He had treated her no better than a common doxie and disgraced himself like a green lad to boot.

He forced his eyes open and scrubbed his hands over his face. Damn it, he'd tried not to touch her, but his resistance had worn down, and he'd thought what harm could there be in a simple dance? And he might have made it through the evening without falling on her like a rabid dog, but then she'd shown him that damn box. Her Box of Wishes and Dreams.

Looking at those items that hadn't cost so much as a single shilling, those things she regarded as her most valued treasures, had forced him to «font acknowledge that which he'd adamantly tried to ignore: Julianne was as lovely on the inside as she was on the outside. That she wasn't spoiled and vain but a unique, kind, admirable, vulnerable, and lonely young woman. One with a romantic nature who longed to break free of the social confines she found so suffocating. It was an insight into her character he hadn't wanted to see, to acknowledge, but once it was staring at him so blatantly, he could no longer ignore it.

Any more than he could have ignored her plea for him to kiss her. He pressed the heels of his palms to his forehead. Bloody hell, the way she'd looked at him, touched him, brushed her body against his… it was as if he were gunpowder, and she'd tossed a lit match on him. His control had exploded in a flash fire of want and need and desire so strong, he'd been helpless to stop it. Yet even as he'd given in, dishonored himself and her, a tiny voice in the back of his mind kept chanting, Just one more touch then I'll stop. The problem was that when he perhaps could have stopped, he didn't want to. And when he finally realized he had to stop, he couldn't. His need, his desire had been so sharp-edged, so deep, he'd been utterly helpless against it.

And then her offer… that heart-stopping offer… that they be together, as lovers, until her marriage. Until she left to start her life as another man's wife. Where he'd found the strength to refuse, he didn't know. God knows he'd wanted nothing more than to take what she offered and damn the consequences-which for him were negligible. But Julianne… she stood to lose everything, her innocence being the least of it. The scandal that would erupt, should anyone discover she'd taken a lover, would ruin her. It would only be that more salacious and sordid if the lover proved a lowly commoner like him.

And what did he stand to lose? Nothing.

Well, nothing except his heart.

You lost that two months ago, his inner voice informed him with a hollow laugh. He blew out a long sigh, tried to deny it, then shook his head. What was the point in lying to himself? He'd taken one look at those eyes, that face, and he'd lost his heart right then and there. He hadn't been the same, felt the same, since the moment he'd met her.

But unlike two months ago, when he merely desired her because she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, now that desire had turned into something so much deeper. Yes, he wanted desperately to make love to her, but now he wanted more than that. He wanted to simply be with her. Talk to her. Look at her. Laugh with her. Walk with her. Wanted it all with a bone-deep yearning and an ache he'd never felt before. Not even for Gwen, a woman he'd loved. A woman he'd planned to marry and make a life with. Julianne touched something deep inside him, a spot he hadn't known was there until she came along and proved its existence. Which could only mean one thing.