Valerie Bowman - Secrets of a Scandalous Marriage

She closed her eyes. “I want to, James. Truly, I do. But what people want and what people get are often two very different things. Don’t you know that?”

He grasped her shoulders, forced her to open her eyes and look at him. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Kate.”

She moved away from him, to the edge of the bed, the sheet still wrapped around her. “I’m a complete outcast. The ton will never accept me. I can’t be your wife. I’d ruin you. You must know that.”

“I don’t give a damn about the ton. We’re getting married just as soon as I procure a license.”

Kate didn’t answer. She let her hair fall over her face, hiding her torn expression. She wanted so desperately to believe. She held the dream in her head. She cherished it. Nurtured it. Could it be real? Could she truly stay with him? Could they find love?

James left her room. In the early morning hours, he gathered his clothes and boots, slipped into the hall, and was gone. Afterward, Kate had lain on the bed and closed her eyes, remembering all the delicious things he’d done to her body last night and allowing herself a moment … to dream.

The dreams she’d had while locked in the Tower were never this good. She and James, getting married. She and James, spending their lives together. She and James, with children. She sucked in her breath. She couldn’t even imagine that happiness. Didn’t dare to dream it. In the end, she’d told him she had to think about it, that she would give him her answer later today, but she knew he thought he’d won. He thought their marriage was a foregone conclusion. Oh, how wonderful it would be if she could believe so strongly too. James might say he didn’t care about her ruined reputation and the fact that Society would cast them both out, but did he mean it?

He might mean it now while their relationship was new and they were happy. But she’d seen how quickly feelings could change. She and George had been happy once too … or so she’d thought. And then one day everything had changed. No, she couldn’t bear it if that happened with James. Marriage was difficult enough without huge problems at the start. They wouldn’t be able to survive the pressure of her blackened reputation. James would come to resent her, as George had. Just for a different reason.

A soft knock sounded at the door. Kate blinked open her eyes and quickly rolled back over and sat up. Surely it wasn’t James … again? She pulled up the covers to her chin. “Come in.”

The door cracked open and Lily’s head appeared. “Good morning, Kate. May I come in?”

“Of course,” Kate answered brightly. She bit her lip. Oh, what would Lily Morgan think about her antics last night? She couldn’t even consider it. She looked away, a blush heating her cheeks.

“Merry Christmas,” Lily said, coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

Kate smiled brightly. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had such a good Christmas morning. “Merry Christmas to you. And thank you again for inviting me here.”

“I do hope I didn’t wake you. I just wanted to come and check on you. The men have gone riding this morning. They took Justin with them. So it’s just Annie and I downstairs for breakfast if you’d like to join us.”

Kate nodded and stretched. “Yes. I’d like that very much.”

“Excellent.” Lily stood and walked over to the windows. She glanced outside. “My, it snowed quite a lot last night.”

Kate looked toward the window, but of course she couldn’t see out. “Did it?”

“Yes,” Lily replied. “It’s sure to be a merry Christmas.”

Kate stretched and yawned this time. She wholeheartedly agreed. “I’ll just see you downstairs in a few minutes.”

Lily nodded. “I’ll send up a maid to help you dress.”

Lily made her way over to the door and opened it. She turned back momentarily. “And I just wanted to tell you again, Kate, that whatever you decide to do after the holiday, Devon and I support you completely. You can stay here, go to London, whatever you’d like.”

Kate sat up straight. “Thank you, Lily. You’re very kind. I haven’t yet decided what I shall do, but I’m ever so grateful for your friendship.”

Lily nodded. “Medford would help you too, you know?”

Kate glanced down at her hands. She traced the flowered pattern of the bedspread with her fingertip. “I know.”

Shutting the door, Lily quickly moved back over and sat on the edge of the bed again. “You should consider giving James a chance. He’s so noble and honorable. And I think he cares for you a great deal.”

“Yes, and all I’ve done is ruin his reputation. I’ll never forgive myself. I cannot help but think it will be better for him if I go to the Continent.”

Lily frowned. “Ruined his reputation? No. Sullied perhaps. But don’t worry about that. James can take care of himself. He can be very charming when he needs to be; no doubt he’ll be back in the good graces of the ton before spring. Besides.” Lily paused. “I don’t think James wants you to go to the Continent.”

Kate’s head snapped up. “Did you speak with him…? Today, I mean.”

Lily shook her head. “No.”

Kate expelled her breath. For a moment she’d wondered if James had told Lily he’d asked her to marry him, though he’d done it in a roundabout way. “I’ve no wish to see what’s left of James’s reputation be ruined because of me.”

“Reputation is important to him,” Lily amended. “But it’s not the most important thing.”

Kate furrowed her brow. “What’s the most important?”

“I told you before, James has a deep need to fix everything.” Lily squeezed her hand. She stood and walked toward the door. She fluttered her hand in the air. “Why, he even tried to marry me once because of it. Poor man. We would have made each other miserable of course. But that’s the sort of man he is. He knew I had nowhere else to turn so he offered for me.”

Kate went hot then cold. She clutched at the bed sheets. “Ja … James offered for you?”

Lily nodded. “Yes. It was months ago, and he was only doing it out of duty. He’s such a dear friend.”

Kate’s stomach clenched. Duty. Of course. How could she have forgotten that? James might have forgotten himself and made love to her last night. But he’d only offered for her last night out of duty. Not love. Never love. Now that she considered it, he hadn’t even said the words, had he? No. He was just trying to fix everything. As usual.

She pressed her hand against her belly, feeling as if she might retch. Lily didn’t know it but she’d just saved her from making another terrible mistake when it came to marriage. Kate had told herself once that it didn’t hurt to daydream. What a lie that had been.

She sucked in a deep breath. She had to go. Had to get out of here.

“Lily,” she said, just as the other woman was about to leave.

Lily turned back around.

“Yes?”

“I believe I’ve made my decision.”

James came barreling into the morning room where Lily and Devon were having afternoon tea. Annie and Jordan had already left to go to Colton House and meet Ashbourne’s brothers. Justin sat in the corner playing with the toys he’d received for Christmas just that morning. The three dogs sat happily watching.

“Where is she?” James tossed the note that Kate had left for him, the one that said she couldn’t marry him and was leaving for the Continent as soon as possible, on the table in front of them.

Lily’s biscuit dropped to her plate. She and Devon exchanged glances.

“Where is who?” Devon barely glanced up from his cup.

“Kate. She’s gone,” James ground out.

“Gone?” Devon’s eyebrows shot up and he gave his wife a suspicious stare.

James clenched his fist. “Damn it, Colton. I’ll rip this bloody house apart if you don’t tell me where she is!”

Colton set down his cup and placed his hands on his hips. He returned James’s angry stare. “First of all, there is a child present.” He glanced at Justin who had turned around to watch. The child’s dark eyes were as wide as the dogs’ collars. “And secondly, I do not know where she is, Medford. And I won’t have you raising your voice to my wife who apparently does know.”

Lily made a great show of smoothing her skirts. “Yes, I know. But I cannot tell you. And neither can Annie.” She looked a bit guilty and a bit reluctant. “I’m sorry, Medford.”

“So, there you have it,” Colton replied. “Kate asked Lily and Annie to keep it secret and they are honoring her wishes.”

James lunged at Colton. Lily jumped up and placed a hand on his chest. James took a step back.

The three of them stared at each other. James was breathing heavily, his eyes shooting fire at Colton. Justin raised his eyebrows and turned back around to attend to his toys.

James turned away from Colton with a jerk, straightened his jacket, and ran his fingers through his hair, disheveling it. “Fine,” he ground out. “I’ll find her myself.” Turning on his heel, he stalked from the room.

Lily and Devon watched him go, each shaking their heads.

“Poor Medford.” Lily sighed.

“What the deuce has got into that chap?” Colton asked.

“I cannot believe that was our James,” Lily added.

Colton shook his head. “It seems positively impossible, I admit. But I do believe Lord Medford has fallen in love.”

James spent a bloody fortune. He’d bribed the proprietors of every hotel in London and the surrounding vicinity. If Kate was staying anywhere in the lower half of the country, by God, he’d intended to find out. He nearly called Mr. Horton, to track her down.