Alyson ël - Saving Zoë

And she went, “What? They invented a Nicorette patch for burnouts?”

He smiled. “Even better.”

“What, like those hippie herbal pills you give Zoë? No thanks,” she said, shaking her head.

But he just got up and went into the kitchen (which is basically still in the same room, just over on the other side) and when he came back over he had these two pills in his hand. And when he gave them to Carly, she said, “What’s this?”

And he smiled and said, “Zero-calorie, feel-good E.”

And she goes, “Omigod, this is ecstasy? I’ve totally been wanting to try it.” Then right before she places it on her tongue she squints at him and goes, “Wait, how much?”

But he just smiled and said, “Now baby you know me, the first three’s always free.”

So she grabbed my bottle of water and started to take them both, but before she could do that he grabbed her wrist and said, “Hold up, only one of those is yours. The other one’s for Zoë.”

And so she gave me the other one, and since I’ve always kind of wanted to try it too, and since I knew it would be safer if we did it together, I just popped it in my mouth then washed it down with a big swig of water.

It was only much later, on the way home, when I started to wonder if that was really E.

Okay, I didn’t write this earlier because I’m really freaking out, and I’m not sure I even want to actually sit down and think about it, much less write about it But at the same time I don’t feel like I can allow this to just live in my head because it’s starting to feel like way too much for me to hold on to. And since Marc’s not around (not like I could ever tell him anyway) and since no way am I discussing it with Carly since she’s partly responsible, I guess I’ll just have to settle for here.

So let’s just say that by the time Jason dropped me off, I was feeling like shit. I mean, seriously messed up and tired and clammy and nauseous, and just basically like total crap. And just as I was making my way up the drive, Marc stepped out from where he was waiting by the tree and said, “Did you have a good time?”

But I wasn’t up for any of that I was seriously upset, and all I wanted was to take a megahot long shower then go straight to bed. So I just shook my head and moved past him, intent on getting to the door without any more hassles, noticing how my mouth still tasted like vomit from when I got sick.

“I want to know if you had a good time with Jason,” he said, grabbing my arm now, his fingers squeezing hard and tight.

And just as I was trying to yank my arm away, the porch light went on and my dad opened the door, took one look at me, the way Marc was gripping my arm, and said, “Let go of my daughter”

So of course Marc immediately let go and started backing away. I’m sorry,” he said, both hands raised in surrender. “But you’ve got it all wrong. It’s not what you think.”

I just stood there, my forehead pressed against the door, my breath coming slow and weak, listening to my dad’s voice, all hard and serious as he said, “I want you to get in your car and go home. And I don’t ever want to see you anywhere near my daughter again, understood?”

And even though I wanted to explain how it wasn’t at all like he thought, I couldn’t. So I made my way upstairs and into my room, where I stripped off my clothes and went straight for the shower.

Great, my mom’s knocking. Apparently it’s dinnertime, so I guess I’ll continue this later

Later, though still Sept 16

So where was I? Oh yeah, so there are these bruises on my arm that my dad saw the next morning and just naturally assumed were from Marc. And even though I did my best to explain how he had it all wrong and how Marc

would never ever do something like that, he still refused to believe me.

He just sat down beside me and gave me some lecture about Those Kinds of Guys. The kind who first charm you, then abuse you. He also told me that if he ever saw him near me again, then he’d… but thank G he just left that last part hanging.

And while in a way it was kind of sweet to see my dad get all protective and worked up like that — because let’s face it, my family totally sucks at anything remotely emotional — the fact is, it was all so misguided. Besides, it’s not like I had any real faith in my dad’s ass-kicking abilities. I mean, he’d seriously be lucky if he could bench-press an encyclopedia.

Though it’s not like I could even try to tell him the real truth. I mean, I’m barely willing to admit it to myself.

Because even though he thinks Marc’s to blame, the truth is I know it’s from what happened at Jason’s. And the horrible things he made me and Carly do.

And even though I was so messed up that a lot of it’s still pretty fuzzy, what I do remember really makes me wonder just exactly what it was that he gave us. Because only something really hard-core could get me to do what I did.

Especially in front of a camera.

I shut the diary and stare before me, unable to focus, my mind reeling from the things I’d just read — all the horrible things my sister endured, the secrets she kept that few people knew.

But I don’t judge her. And not once while reading that did I shake my head and think, You should’ve known better.

Because Zoë’s sweet, trusting nature was the biggest part of her. Her unruly optimism is what drew people to her. And it was unfortunate that not all of those people meant as well as she.

She warned me about Jason though, in her own indirect way. She called me into her room one day and showed me a photo she’d kept on her cell phone of her and Carly and some guy with slick blond hair and a black leather jacket. “You see this creep?” she’d said, stabbing his face with the tip of her fingernail. “Stay far away from him. I’m serious, Echo, promise me that if you ever see him somewhere you’ll just turn around and walk the other way, okay? Promise?”

I leaned in and peered at the tiny thumbnail, then shrugged and turned to leave. But she refused to let me off that easy, so she made me look again. Which is the only reason I recognized him in the park that first day.

Zoë was just trying to protect me, in the way that she failed to protect herself. She was always telling me to look out, to not be so trusting, to run away if my instincts suggested it, to act in a way that she didn’t.

And it makes me wonder if maybe I’d been a year or so older, or even just acted a little more mature, if she

would’ve eventually felt safe enough to confide in me.

But then again, probably not. Zoë always made it her job to protect me, even if it meant protecting me from herself.

I close my eyes, afraid of what else I might read, but knowing I need to continue. Then I think about Teresa and her infatuation with Jason, and grab my cell, knowing I have to try to warn her, even if she doesn’t want to listen.

When she doesn’t pick up, I leave a message. Then I chase it with a text, asking her to call me, explaining that it’s urgent.

For the last two days I’ve done my best to avoid Carly, which believe me, has not gone over so well. Especially after the bell rang and it was time to walk home and both times I didn’t want to be anywhere near her. I mean, I’m sorry but I just can’t go acting like everything’s all fine and normal and like that whole disgusting day in Jason’s filthy apartment never even happened. And the fact that she can just makes me want to avoid her even more.

So just when I thought it was safe, she saw me and was all, “Hey, wait up! Zoë, jeez! Are you avoiding me?” she asked as she ran to catch up with me.

I just took a deep breath and looked at her, having made up my mind not to lie. “Yes,” I said, my eyes right on hers the whole time.

“And can I ask why?” She stood there, hands on hips, looking all mad and indignant and bitchy.

“Do I really need to explain?” I picked up the pace.

“Well, I guess not. But I really don’t get why you’re so freaked. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not like anyone will ever know.”

I just looked at her and rolled my eyes, thinking she was so frustratingly lame, and wondering how we ever became friends. Then I said, “Well, you know what, Carly? I know. And you know. And Jason knows. And since he got it all on tape, it’s just a matter of time before the whole freaking world knows! Don’t you get it?”

But she just shrugged, like it’s not a big deal, which made me even madder.

So I said, “I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe you put me in that position!”

But she just goes, It’s not like anyone held a gun to your head, so stop acting like such a little effin baby. And let’s just get one thing straight. Nobody made anyone do anything they weren’t willing to do, okay? You were there of your own free will. Which means you also participated of your own free will.”

But no way was I letting her off that easy, so I said, “Oh really, is it still free will if I’m all messed up on something he gave me? Something that I’m really starting to doubt was E? Because I think he gave us something else, Carly. I think he gave us something way worse.”

But she just looked away and rolled her eyes, making it perfectly clear she thought I was overreacting. “Yeah? Well, it’s not like he slipped it in your drink or anything. You took it right out of my hand, and nobody forced you to do that, Zoë.”

And hearing her say that made me so mad I started to shake, probably because I knew in a way it was true. But also because I couldn’t stop thinking about that glass of water he gave me, and how tired I felt after just a few sips. Though it’s not like I could prove anything, and it’s not like Carly would even care. So I just shook my head and said, “But still, don’t you realize how messed up this all is? Don’t you realize how this will all come back to haunt us? Stuff like this always does, there’s just no avoiding it.”