And even though I kind of wish I could share all this with Marc, I know it’s probably all for the best. I mean, especially since it’s not even an option anymore. Especially now that I keep seeing him hanging with that Shauna chick. And I don’t mean hanging like they’re all casual and stuff, because, please, it’s not like I’m some psychotic jealous person. It’s more the way that they’re hanging, they way they act when they’re talking. Like him leaning toward her, and her all happy and smiling and stuff. Like there’s no one else around. Like they’re in their own little world.

Just like we used to be.

The first time I saw them together I just stood there gaping, my mouth hanging open, my chin on my knees. And when she reached out and touched him, placing her hand right there on his shoulder, I was consumed with this indescribable, jealous, flood of rage. But eventually it mostly passed.

I mean, clearly we’re not together anymore, no longer a couple. And it’s time I get used to it.

Sept 10

Good news! Carly has finally stopped with all those crazy Web page hookups and trolling for alcohol with all those perverted geezers she was meeting on the Internet, and I could not be more relieved. Though it’s not like she stopped because she figured out that what she was doing was dangerous, stupid, and completely freaking lame.

Nope, it was mainly because she met someone better. Someone who she thinks is hot, sexy, and a total keeper. Someone who rarely makes her pay, and when he does it’s at a deeply discounted rate. He also happens to live in our town, even graduated from our high school. Though to be honest, I’m really not so sure that he actually graduated, because he doesn’t seem like the type to heed authority or wear a cap and gown, so he might’ve just stopped going.

Anyway, his name is Jason — don’t know his last — and I guess if you were standing really far away, with no binoculars, and were also very drunk, you might think that he’s hot. Or at least that’s what I thought the first time I met him. He’s definitely kind of snakelike with that slicked-back hair, lean muscled body that he crams into these fitted faded jeans, black leather jacket, and motorcycle boots he always wears. But I guess he’s kind of starting to grow on me too, since there’s just something about him, something kind of alluring and dangerous and sleazy but cool. Which I know probably sounds pretty weird and all, but I don’t know how else to explain it. Not to mention how he pretty much knows everyone in this town, or at least all of the people who party, and so far he’s been more than willing to hook

Carly up with whatever it is that she wants.

Anyway, the other night Carly and I ended up over there, just hanging out and talking with a whole group of people, and pretty much everyone was drinking but me (since I don’t need the extra calories, not to mention the puffiness before the big shoot), and I was just kicking back and sipping from my water bottle, when he said, “Here, try some of these, they’ll help you lose weight”

And I immediately looked at Carly, feeling all freaked and upset that she told him about my plans, because I really don’t need a whole bunch of people to know about it before it’s even had a chance to happen. But she just shrugged and shook her head, and motioned to me to go ahead and take ’em.

So then I looked at him, but he just laughed and said, “Pretty girl like you, avoiding the appetizers and beer and settling for just water, I figure you’re just trying to stay pretty.”

Okay, trying to pretend that smashed-up pieces of BBQ potato chips are actually appetizers is totally pushing it. But still, I took the bottle from him, and turned it around so I could squint at the back. Because let’s face it, it’s no secret that this guy is like our hometown version of Scarface, so the last thing I need is to get all hooked on crystal meth or something equally nasty that will make me skinny but leave me with no teeth.

But then he showed me where it says “All natural.” And so with everyone watching and egging me on, I popped one in my mouth and chased it down with some water. And for the rest of the night everyone kept joking around and pretending that I was Alice through the Looking Glass, or Wonderland, or whatever (I mean, I really don’t know the difference) and that I was getting smaller and smaller, ’til they could no longer see me.

And then, when it finally came time to leave, Jason kissed me on the cheek, his lips moving against my skin as he said, “You can thank me when you’re posing on the cover of Maxim.”

And even though Maxim isn’t my number one goal (because that would be Vogue) it was still kind of cool to know that he thinks I have the potential. But I just smiled, and then the second I heard the door close behind us I rubbed my fingers over my cheek, removing the trace of his lips and wiping it onto my jeans.

Sept 14

So the last few days we’ve been hanging with Jason more and more after school, mostly because Carly is becoming a total burnout and is now totally hooked on some shit he sells her for cheap. And the only reason I even go along is so she doesn’t go by herself, because she’s seriously starting to worry me lately.

And then today, when I was walking home from school (by myself because Carly got detention for sneaking off campus and getting caught), he just happened to drive up and offer me a ride.

And I was just about to say no, ’cause I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea to be in his truck alone with him,

when I realized how totally stupid that was since I’ve been hanging with him like practically every day. and it’s not like he’s ever tried anything before. In fact, he’s always been really super sweet. But even so, I was still about to say no, when I glanced over just in time to see Marc getting into his car and Shauna climbing in beside him.

So then I turned and looked at Jason, and said, “A ride would be great thanks!”

And as I climbed up in his truck and closed the door, I glanced out the window just in time to see Marc staring at me. I mean serious, outright gaping. Just like I did when I first saw them. Then the light turned green, and Jason totally punched it, and in a matter of seconds they were left in our dust

Sept 15

Jason picked me up from school again today, just like yesterday. Only this time he waited right there in the parking lot, instead of out by the corner like usual.

“Carly still on detention?” he asked.

And I just nodded and climbed in beside him.

At first he acted like he was going to drive me straight home, but then we somehow ended up at his apartment Which even though it’s not the first time I’d been there, it was the first time I’d been there on a bright sunny day, which just made it look even more shabby and messy than before. Not that I ever thought it was a palace or anything, but still, with the crappy stained couch and the dirty coffee table, it kinda makes you wonder where all the drug money goes.

So he grabbed a beer for himself and a glass of water for me, and even though he didn’t actually make a move or try anything, I still felt kind of nervous to be sitting in the living room, just me and him, with no one else around. I mean, I found myself actually hoping for that retarded Tom guy to drop by, just to cut some of the tension.

I’m not sure why I was feeling like that, because obviously I’m free to do whatever with whoever. Though I think it’s pretty obvious how hooking up with Jason would be a really bad idea. I mean, there are bad boys and then there are bad boys.

But since I didn’t want him to know just how weirded out he was making me feel, I made a pact with myself that I’d be polite and hang for a half an hour or so, and then fake some excuse so I could bail out of there and make it home way before my parents.

He propped his boot-clad feet right on top of his filthy glass coffee table, then he started talking about a bunch of VIPs he claims to know in New York, LA., and Vegas, and all kinds of other nonsense that really made me wonder if any of it could possibly be true.

And then for some reason I started to feel really really sleepy, and after like my third yawn in a row, he goes,

“Am I boring you?”

And I felt so guilty I said, “No, of course not I guess I just didn’t sleep all that well last night, that’s all.” Which wasn’t at all true, but still, I didn’t want to be rude.

So then he said, “Well, why don’t you lay down for a while and chill? I can take you home later.” Then he smiled in a way that was trying to be more convincing than kind.

But I just shook my head and said, “No, I should probably get going. Do you mind taking me now?”

And right when he smiled and opened his mouth to speak, Carly knocked on the door.

“Hey, you guys. Got out early. Coach Warner got called away on some kind of family emergency, so he had no choice but to let us all go.”

She plopped down on the couch, right beside Jason and smiled in a way that clearly showed how she didn’t give a shit about the coach or his family. And it’s not like I care about him either, I mean, so many times I’ve wanted to bust him for looking down my top, but still, a family emergency is never a good thing. Though in this case, I guess it was for Carly.

Jason immediately went to hand her his bong, but Carly just as quickly brushed it away. “Forget it I’ve got to stop smoking. I’m getting fat, and my jeans are totally starting to strangle me,” she said.

But he just laughed. “I got something to help you with that,” he told her.