“I love you, Matt,” she whispered back, and he could hear the tremor in her voice. He could sense how frightened she was, and for a long time he just held her close to him, pressing her against him. “It's all right, darling… you're safe with me… nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise…”

He could feel tears on her cheeks when he kissed her, and she whispered to him, “I'm so scared, Matt…”

“Please don't be…I love you so much… I'll never hurt you. I promise.” She believed him, but she no longer believed in life. Life would hurt them, given the opportunity. Terrible things would happen if she let down her guard and allowed him into her world completely. She would lose him, or he would betray her, or he would leave her or die. Nothing was sure anymore, she knew. She couldn't trust anyone or anything, not even him. Not this close. She realized then that she had been foolish to think she could do this.

“Matt, I can't …” she said in an anguished voice. “I'm too scared.” She couldn't make love to him, couldn't let him that close to her. It was too frightening to care that much, and once she let him into her life and her soul and her body and heart, nothing would be safe anymore. He would own it all, and the demons that ruined people's lives would own them.

“I love you,” he said quietly. “We can wait… there's no rush… I'm not going away. I'm not going to leave you, or hurt you, or scare you… it's okay. I love you.” He defined the meaning of the word, as no other man had before, not even Ted. Least of all Ted. She felt terrible for disappointing Matt. But she knew she wasn't ready, and she didn't know now if she ever would be. It was impossible to say. All she knew was that she couldn't now. It would have been too terrifying to let him in. And he was willing to wait for her.

He held her in his arms for a long time that night, feeling her graceful body next to his, and he longed for her, but he was grateful for what they had. If that was all it could be for now, it was enough. Light was dawning as she finally got up, and put on her clothes again. She had dozed next to him, and clung to him all night. She wasn't even embarrassed to be naked next to him. She wanted him, but not enough.

He kissed her before she left his room, and she went back to her own bed and slept. She slept fitfully for two hours, and when she woke up, she felt the familiar lead weight on her chest. But it was different this time. It wasn't for Chad or for Ted, it was for what she hadn't been able to do with Matt the night before. She felt as though she had cheated him, and hated herself for disappointing him. She showered and dressed feeling anxious about seeing him, but as soon as she did, she knew it was fine. He smiled at her from across the room, and came to put an arm around her to reassure her. He was an incredible man, and in an odd way, she felt as though she had made love with him. She was even more comfortable with him now than she had been before. And she felt foolish for having panicked. Yet grateful to him for having waited.

They skied together on New Year's Day without ever talking about the night before. They just skied and chatted, and had fun together, and they spent the last night eating dinner with all the kids. Vanessa was going back to Auckland the next day, much to Matt's chagrin, but Matt was flying out to see her the following month. Pip and Ophélie were driving home in the morning, and the day after that, Pip had to go back to school. Robert had two more weeks' vacation, and was going to Heavenly to ski with friends. And Matt was going back to the beach. The vacation was over, but it had been a lovely week. Nothing had been resolved between Ophélie and Matt, but they both knew they were on no one's timetable but their own. And she knew without a doubt that if he had pushed her that night, or forced her, or been angry at her, even the hope of a romance between them would be gone. But Matt was far wiser than that, and he loved her more. They left each other the next morning with no promises, no certainties between them, only love and hope. It was far more than either of them had had when they met, and enough for both of them for now.





26

MATT STOPPED BY TO SEE OPHÉLIE AND PIP AFTER dropping Vanessa off at the airport to go to Auckland. He was sad after leaving her, and grateful for a cup of tea before going back to his solitary life at the beach. He realized more than ever now that the life they had all shared for the past week was what he wanted. He was tired of his solitude. But for the moment, there was no other option. Ophélie was not ready for more than they had, which was friendship with a promise of future passion and romance. She was in no way ready for more than that yet. He had no other choice but to wait and see what happened between them, if anything ever did. And if it didn't, if she was never able to reach out to him, then at least he could be a friend to her and Pip. He knew that was a possibility too. There were no guarantees in life. They had all had ample proof of that.

He was pleased to see, as he walked into the house, that the portraits he had done of Pip and Chad were hung in the living room in a place of honor.

“They look beautiful, don't they?” She smiled proudly and thanked him again. “How was Vanessa before she left?” Ophélie had become extremely fond of her, and Robert too. Like their father, they were nice people, with good manners, good hearts, and good values. She truly liked them.

“Vanessa was sad to leave,” he answered Ophélie's question, and had to fight back the memory of the night he had spent with Ophélie naked in his bed. He wished she had been able to trust him, and could only hope it would come later, if they were lucky. “I'll see her in a few weeks. She loved you and Pip.”

“We loved her too,” Ophélie said gently. And when Pip went upstairs to do her homework, she looked at Matt sadly. “I'm sorry about what happened in Tahoe.” It was the first time either of them had mentioned it. He hadn't wanted to embarrass her by referring to it, nor to press her. He thought it was better left unspoken between them. “I shouldn't have done that. In French, you call that being an allumeuse. I think there's a much more unattractive word for it in English. But it's not a nice thing to be. I wasn't trying to tease you, or fool you. I think if anything, I fooled me. I thought I was ready, and I wasn't.”

He didn't like talking to her about it, he was afraid that even doing that would push her to extreme conclusions. And he didn't want to close any doors between them. He wanted to leave them wide open, and give her the chance to come through them when she was ready. Whenever that happened, if it did, he'd be waiting for her. And in the meantime, all he could do was love her as best he could, even if the relationship was limited. “You didn't fool anyone, Ophélie. Time is a funny thing. You can't define it, can't buy it, can't predict its effect on people. Some people need more, some less. Take whatever time you need.”

“And if I never get there?” she asked him sadly. She was afraid she might not. The depth of her fears, and their paralyzing effect, had frightened her.

“If you never get there, I love you anyway,” he assured her, which was all she needed to hear. As always, he made her feel safe, unpressured, unharried. Being with Matt was always like a long, peaceful walk on the beach. It rested her soul. “Don't torture yourself. You have enough other things to worry about. Don't add me to that list. I'm fine.” He smiled at her, and leaned across the table to kiss her on the lips, and she didn't resist. In fact, she welcomed it. In her heart of hearts, she loved him, she just didn't know what to do about it yet. If she loved anyone, and allowed herself to live again, she knew it would be Matt. But she recognized the possibility that Ted might have ended her life as a woman for good. He didn't deserve to have that power over her, but much as she hated to admit it to herself, he still did. He had destroyed some essential part of her she could no longer find or retrieve. Like a sock that had gotten lost. But the sock was filled with love and trust. And she had no idea where it was. Gone, it would seem. Ted had thrown it away. He hadn't even taken it with him. She kept wondering what she had meant to him, and if he had loved her when he died. Or ever. And she would never know the answers. All she had left now were the questions.

“What are you up to tonight?” Matt asked her before he left.

She started to tell him and then hesitated as their eyes met. From the look on her face he knew, and hated it.

“The outreach team?”

“Yes,” she said, putting their cups in the sink. She didn't want to argue about it with him.

“God, I wish you'd stop doing that. I don't know what it's going to take to convince you. One of these days, Ophélie, something terrible is going to happen. I just don't want it to happen to you. They've been lucky, but they can't be lucky forever. Your exposure is too great, and so is theirs. You're out there two nights a week. Sooner or later the odds will get you, if nothing else.”

“I'll be all right,” she tried to reassure him, but as always, he was unconvinced.

He left at five, and a few minutes later, Alice came to baby-sit for Pip. It was routine by now. Ophélie had been doing it since September, and she felt completely confident about it, unlike Matt, who had constant forebodings of disaster. But Ophélie didn't share them. She knew the team well, and how capable they were. They were always sensible and cautious. They were cowboys, as they said themselves, but cowboys who knew their way around the streets, and watched their backs, and hers. And she had grown skilled at what she was doing too. She was no longer an innocent on the streets.