Elizabeth Finn - Restoring Jordan

I want to kiss him. I still want to punch him too, but my relief is overwhelming. I try to stay cool, but the audible sigh that passes my lips is a clear sign I’m crumbling. This has easily been the most intense and terrifying fifteen minutes of my life, and when I escape from the building and finally sink into my car, my hands tremble on the steering wheel. I let my head sink to the steering wheel. Tears I haven’t experienced in more years than I can recall are suddenly present and fighting to spill. I give in for a minute and let them fall before dashing them away and pulling from the parking lot.

When I arrive at Adeline’s apartment, I don’t expect to find it silent and unoccupied. I knock and then I pound. I call her cell phone, which goes straight to voice mail, and as I hit Redial and peer in through her blinds, I’m caught completely off guard when Kelli suddenly appears. I’ve decided I like Kelli. She’s spunky and strikes me as the type who is not easily ruffled—unlike me, who is ready to pop a tent on her porch, send out a search party, and lobby my congressman for mandatory girlfriend microchip tracking devices.

Ironically, I had intended to take her to dinner on this very night and profess my feelings. I had been psyching myself for the event since I made the reservation the afternoon before, and now, having had to change those plans, I was expecting to find her home so I could be her knight in shining armor. But arriving to her empty apartment with my plans dashed was admittedly not what I had in mind. Kelli in her stead was definitely not what I had in mind.

“Hi.” Her words are uneasy and leery.

“Uh… Have you talked to Adeline? I can’t reach her, and I…”

I must look desperate, as she unlocks the door and lets me enter with her. Her eyes are calm, but her gaze is suspicious as she studies me. “Yeah. I just talked to her a bit ago. She’s going home to be with her parents. She left in a hurry and left some windows open and asked that I stop by.” Her eyes narrow at my concern. “Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

I’m not okay if she’s not here. “Yes, I’m fine. Did she say when she’d be back?”

Her eyes flash to mine, and I can see the protective fury boiling beneath the surface of her demeanor. “Well, given the fact she won’t be graduating and her entire life was just destroyed today, I guess … maybe … never.” Kelli is resentful; her sarcasm and cool expression are making this clear.

“I have to see her. Do you know her parents’ address?”

“What on earth for? You fuck her, nothing more. You don’t do relationships, or so I’ve been told. So, this really doesn’t concern you, Jordan.” I see my dear sweet Adeline has been confiding in her best friend, not that I expected anything less. I can also see if I have any hope of getting to Adeline, it will be through Kelli. At the moment she’s the gatekeeper, and the gatekeeper does not like me.

“I love her, Kelli.” I pray the truth works.

“And yet, oddly, you haven’t told her that.” My gaze falls from hers as guilt twists a knife in my gut. The fact Kelli knows I haven’t told Adeline I love her means it was important enough to Adeline to tell her.

“I know, but you have to believe me when I tell you I do. I have to see her, Kelli.”

She studies me. She doesn’t trust me, and I get it. I’m a schmuck. After studying me as I hold her gaze, she falters, and on a sigh, she speaks. “Loving her means loving only her for the rest of your life. Marrying her, having a family with her, sharing your life completely with her. It isn’t something you can throw away later or abandon because you have strong feelings now, but you tire of her later.” She has no faith in me, but for the first time in my life I have faith in myself.

“I know what love means, and I love Adeline. I know how to do this. You have to trust me.” I’m practically begging her to believe in me, but my words are true and my feelings are honest. There is no question remaining in my mind I’m meant to love her, and it will be everything she deserves.

Another deep sigh later and she moves to Adeline’s desk, writing something on a notepad. Handing it to me, she continues. “Their address. She’s upset, Jordan.”

“I know.” I turn from her and move to the door, pausing once at the threshold and looking back. “She’s graduating Sunday.”

The grin that takes over her face is the response I get. “And how the hell did you manage that?”

“By loving her enough.” I smirk as my eyebrows shoot up.

As I turn to leave, her words trail after me. “Well done, Jordan.”

Five hours, one speeding ticket, and a narrow miss with the stupidest Iowa deer I’ve ever met later, and I’m pulling into her parents’ driveway. It’s dark and late evening at this point. I became turned around on the country roads three times before I managed to make it to the right road and then had to retrace my path twice before finally finding the right driveway—not easy to find much of anything out on darkened country roads without so much as a single streetlight. But the warm lights glowing within the home tell me they’re here. The house is surrounded by mature trees and fields beyond that. It’s a large two-story with a massive wraparound porch. I can’t make out much detail, but it looks beautiful in that heartland sort of way. It’s easy to imagine Adeline growing up here, swinging on the tire swing that hangs from the enormous old oak tree in front of the house, playing basketball in the driveway where the hoop hangs above the detached garage.

As I pull up and step out of my car, I take in the smell of earth. It’s dirt and growth and the sweet smell of spring flowers and rain. There’s the buzzing of crickets, and their music emanates from every direction around me. This place is alive with more life than even Chicago manages to cram within its city limits. The stars shine bright in a way I’ve never experienced, and the moon as well. I can imagine no better place than her home and this country world to give her the words I’ve withheld for so long. And yet mounting the porch steps to the front door, I’m terrified.

Have I waited too long? Have I kept her wanting for more too endlessly? My mind whirs with questions, and I’m terrified of the answers to each and every one of them, but there is one that keeps coming around to the forefront of my consciousness over and over and over again. This question is the key to all others, and I’m desperate to know this answer. Does she love me?

I knock and wait. My palms are sweaty, and my heart is thudding with the pulse of fear. I can hear the footfalls from within as someone approaches, and for a half a second I imagine dodging off to hide behind the bushes that line the front of the porch. Her rejection may kill me, but it’s her love that will heal every last wound I carry.

As the door opens, I inhale a deep breath and hold it in my lungs. And when I see her face, the air rushes out in a loud sigh.

“What are you doing here?” Her eyes are wide and shocked.

I’m paralyzed in my fear and desperate for the reassurance of her touch. “You’re graduating.” They’re not the only words that need to be spoken, but they’re a good way to start.

“What? No, I’m…” She’s shaking her head. She doesn’t believe me.

“Yeah, you are.”

She swallows over a lump in her throat, and her eyes suddenly glisten with tears. She looks like she’s struggling to process my words. “What did you do?”

“Nothing really… It’s not the reason I’m here … I mean … it’s not the only reason I’m here.” She’s watching. Her brow is wrinkled as she fights to get hold of the situation and what I’m saying, and as one lone tear breaks loose and slips down the beautiful skin of her cheeks, I finally tell her what I’ve known in my heart for too long without saying. “Adeline, I love you.”

She shakes her head slowly. “No, you don’t.” A small, nervous laugh that is anything but amused passes her lips.

“Yeah … I really do, Addy. Really, really do.” My throat is tight with my restrained tears. Hers are not so restrained. She’s crying, and finally nodding, and she looks mildly insane … but beautiful. Convinced.

I grab her and pull her tight to me before she can stop me, and I kiss her. Her tears touch my cheeks as I claim her mouth, and when I pull from her, the same nervous laugh melts my heart. She’s as nervous as I am, but she’s happy. I hold her some more as her tears continue to fall, and after I’ve clutched her body enough to know she won’t disappear if I let her go, I pull from her and run my hand down her tear-streaked cheek. She smiles an emotionally exhausted but content smile, and relief and absolute elation course through me.

“Umm. My dad kind of wants to cut your penis off … just so you know.” She’s grimacing when she says it, and while he may not technically cut my penis off, he most likely does want to.

“Hmm. Well, he’s going to have to get over that if he ever wants grandchildren.” Now her nervous laugh catches in her throat on a loud gasp, and she’s nodding her teary face again. She likes those words … and so do I. “Would he feel better if I married you?” Still nodding away her agreement.

“Is that what you want?” She wants my reassurance. This is a piece of cake.

“Oh, yeah.”

He loves me. When he said the words, I was shocked. I’ve waited, wanted, and prayed for them, but I was still shocked. They’re simple words, really, but they were so damn hard to grasp at that moment. When I imagined him speaking these words, it was never in this way, in this place. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but whatever is? It was perfect. More perfect than any scenario or scene I’ve played out in my fantasies.