His face is serious, but mocking as well. “Things got … complicated.” He’s shaking his head in confusion as he chuckles. “It was really confusing with the wings and the dry weave and the long and the extra long and the regular, and heavy, max, min, medium, mean…” I’m pretty sure he’s quoting statistics at this point, but he keeps going as I laugh. “Light, moderate, the flows and the … the … I mean what are adult diapers, baby diapers, pads, tampons, condoms, and lube doing all in one place? And do you know how many women hang out in that aisle at one time? There was a baby … and it was mocking me.” I’m laughing as he continues his ridiculous tale of feminine product woes. And as my laughter and his smirk finally fade, he continues. “I’m sure you can find something in there that will suit your needs, and by the way, I won’t be doing that for you again anytime soon.” He turns on his heel, leaving me alone to dress.

When I enter the kitchen he is busy with scrambled eggs at the stove. I’m finally human and not completely humiliated, and as I approach him he reaches for my body. I smile and he flashes his perfect, sweet smile, showing perfectly straight, white teeth. He looks amazing standing in his oversize kitchen in his ridiculously perfect house, and I am out of place as usual. Strange he so obviously doesn’t regard me in this way. But as he holds me close to his body and I enjoy the warmth of his skin, he fidgets. He suddenly looks nervous, but he says nothing.

When he finishes the eggs and the toast, we sit at the island and eat in silence. His eyes are in another world, and he’s deep in thought. I want to ask, but I’m still intimidated by this man the better portion of the time, and even delving too deep into his brain leaves me terrified he won’t appreciate my interest.

Finally, his eyes meet mine and he puts his fork down. “So I was thinking now would be a good time for you to go on birth control.”

I cough as I suddenly am unable to chew, think, and swallow at the same time. “Umm. What?” Seriously, Adeline? Is that the best I can do?

He’s rigid and still beside me, and though I’m nearly too afraid to look to him for my own reasons, I sense he’s carrying his own emotional baggage at the moment. When I manage to pull my gaze away from my plate to his eyes, I’m hit hard with his gentle, worried expression. It isn’t the Jordan I know to be so very human and humble. He’s nervous, and seeing my wide and shocked eyes he stumbles through his next words. “It’s just … doctors usually like to know for sure you’re not pregnant and right now… If you don’t want to, it’s fine. I just thought…” He’s so damn nervous, and it hurts to see him this way.

“I suppose I could, but…” My words trail off as I try hard to find the right words. This isn’t a man who wants to keep me permanently, and as much as I enjoy him it also smacks my pride he should ask me to go to the trouble for a fleeting affair. “I’m not sure there’s much point. I mean, I graduate soon and I’ll be moving and…”

“I think it’s ridiculous you’re moving, and quite frankly, not a smart move for your career.” His words hit with a sudden resentment in his tone, but his face quickly softens at my shocked expression. His hand reaches for mine, and in a voice far gentler he continues. “I’m tired of remembering to carry condoms in my pocket all the time.” He smiles sweetly before his lips smirk, and he continues with a seductive purr. “I want to be able to fuck you when I want to fuck you, and I don’t want to worry I can’t because I’ve forgotten a condom. I assure you, I’m as anal retentive about my health as I am my work, but I hardly expect you to take my word for it. I’ll give you copies of my medical records, and I’ll have you know I’ve not had unprotected sex since divorcing my ex-wife seven years ago.”

My eyes flash wide at his words. His gaze is seductive, but his body language is desperate and demanding. He wants this. He doesn’t want me to move away; he’s made it abundantly clear, but he’s acting more jealous boyfriend than concerned boss at the moment. I finally take a deep breath and return his sarcasm. “So, you want my medical records?”

“I hardly think I need to be concerned about your health, and I’m assuming I’ve not left enough time in your schedule for you to sleep with anyone else since I took your virginity, so I think the birth control will suffice in your case.” He smirks quickly before looking away. He still has a very uncharacteristic nervousness, and it leaves me wanting to reach out to him, reassure him. But for what?

I nod in agreement, and after calling my doctor to set up an appointment for Monday morning, Jordan finally relaxes. The weekend is spent together, and it’s amazing—movies in bed, dinner out at a quiet hole in the wall, sleeping late the next morning, and then more movies, a blowjob, more fun in the shower and incredible back rub, and then finally home. I spend the rest of the evening at the Laundromat, getting ready for the week with Kelli at my side. We fold, we chat, she pries for information, and I eventually give in.

“You’re going on birth control? And he asked you to?” She’s watching me as I nod. “Are you sure he doesn’t, like, really really like you? I mean, Addy, men don’t just ask you to go on birth control for a few weeks. Are you sure he doesn’t want to keep you around?” Her head is tilted with her leading question.

“Oh, come on. You saw him. You met him. He can’t possibly want anything long term with someone like me.” Kelli’s face scrunches up in her complete lack of appreciation for my words.

“What the hell are you saying? That you’re not good enough? Sorry, babe, but that’s bullshit!” She’s speaking forcefully and with more than enough conviction to show she’s serious.

“He doesn’t do relationships. He’s the one-night-stand man. Remember?”

“Sure he is. Maybe before he met you. It can’t have escaped your attention the man is obsessed with you, and if this is a one-night stand, then I, and the rest of the world for that matter, are completely confused on what the term actually means. One-night stand my ass! He likes you. Why is that so hard for you believe?” I shrug, with my low self-esteem visible to Kelli. “You already said he doesn’t agree with you returning to Iowa after graduation, and BTdubs, I don’t either.”

“Well you just made my point. There’s a difference between wanting me to stay for personal reasons and wanting me to stay for purely professional reasons.”

“You’re insane.” And her crazed but good-natured expression shows just how serious she is when she says this. “You’re sleeping with the man. He may not be confessing his undying love and devotion, but for fuck sake, he’s telling you he wants you to stay! Do you really think it’s so he can suddenly stop sleeping with you? He’s a man. And by your own admission, he was raised in a family that could have cared less if he was alive. He’s out of his element. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care! How can I see this so clearly and you can’t? I’m usually the one lacking in any rational thought, not you!”

“I just can’t … I don’t know. Honestly, Kelli, I want to think you’re right, but … I can’t have this blow up in my face.” I look away, shaking my head. She just doesn’t understand. She’s bold; I’m not. She can wear her heart on her sleeve and let people take as many swipes at her as they want. I’m terrified of caring for this man. I know I do. I love him. But I can’t put myself out there just to let him destroy me. Moving back to Des Moines is not my first choice, but I was offered a job there—the only job offer I’ve received. I can’t turn that down just to hang out in Chicago drooling over the one-night-stand man.

I have a small pile of rejection letters from Chicago firms that grows taller by the day, and I just don’t have any good excuse for staying. I’m out of money. He can offer to let me stay with him all he wants, but what does that really mean? Stay with him in his bed. And for how long? I’ve already made the mistake of caring entirely too much for a man who doesn’t know the first thing about love. Moving in with him is a liability to my pathetically ignorant and emotional heart. He’s given me no real reason to stay, and I can’t make a decision like this based on what I want him to feel for me. I just can’t set myself up for that kind of heartache. It’s the very heartache I’ve witnessed every last one of my girlfriends suffer. It’s the very heartache I’ve managed to avoid.

He’s the first and only man I’ve been with, and whatever type of relationship we have, it’s my very first of those as well. What are the odds this is the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with, and quite frankly, if I put myself out there with him, that’s exactly what my expectation would be. Forever. The odds are slim this is my future. He made that clear on the first night we were together, and anything other than forever will break my heart if I let it. I love Kelli, and she wants what’s best for me, but she’s always been impetuous when I’ve been cautious.

I won’t break it off with him. I’d fail at his first touch, but I can’t plan a life with him here when he’s given me no reason to think that’s possible.


Chapter 20

Adeline is late arriving Monday morning due to her doctor’s appointment, and when she finally shows up and she’s active in the e-mail system, I ask her to meet me in the lobby to head over to Market Street. They’re completing the install of her cabinets today, and she’s been looking forward to this. The drywall finishers have completed the painting for the entire model unit, and with the cabinetry now finally going in, it’s time for doors and trim. The woodworking studio we contracted for the custom built-ins will be arriving shortly after one o’clock to complete the cabinetry, and that gives Adeline and I time to get lunch together. There is a small café we’ve eaten at a couple of times, and I don’t have to worry much about being caught with the intern there, so as I pull to the curb with her by my side, I lean to her mouth and kiss her. I’ve been stuck on the phone the entire drive and haven’t even had a chance to ask about her appointment.