Linda had been so excited about this first baby that she had bought everything in sight since the day she found out she was pregnant. The nursery was a sea of white eyelet with blue and pink ribbons, there was an antique bassinet draped in white organdy, a cradle a patient had sent her, shelves filled with dolls, handmade quilts, and lots of little goodies knitted by Linda's mother. A dozen times a day now she walked into the room, looked around, and she always felt that something was missing. It was five days before her due date when she finally realized what it was that was missing, as she laughingly told Vanessa over lunch.

“It's the baby!” They born laughed at the revelation. Linda had retired from her practice the week before, and she was enjoying the last days of waiting. “I must admit, I'm a little antsy. But part of that is just not working for the first time in fifteen years. I feel guilty as hell about that.” But she was going back for half days when the baby was a month old, so the five weeks she'd taken off were really no more than a healthy vacation.

“Your patients will wait.”

“I suppose so,” Linda sighed, “but I worry about them.”

“You're as bad as Teddy. Before he met you, he'd have a nervous breakdown if he took two weeks off. There's something about doctors. They're compulsive.”

Linda grinned. “I think we like to call it conscientious.”

“Well, I must say, I admire it. But I don't have that problem. I spent all of last week sitting on my ass and I loved it.”

“Oh?” Linda looked intrigued. “With anyone special, or is that an indiscreet question?”

There was a twinkle in Vanessa's eyes when she answered. “I saw John Henry again. I decided not to use him as my agent.” For Vanessa that was a major step, Linda knew. She had been almost certain that that was going to be the way out Vanessa would have selected. She would hire him as her agent and then claim that she couldn't get involved with him after that.

“That's an interesting decision.” She sounded noncommittal, and Vanessa grinned.

“You sound like a shrink.”

“Do I?” Linda laughed. “I apologize. I meant to sound like an aunt.”

A warm look passed between them. “You're not bad at that either. No, I don't know. I thought about it a lot. And in a funny way I think we were already too involved with each other for me to do business with him coherently. The funny thing”—she looked at Linda in a puzzled way—”is that I'm attracted to him.”

“Is that such a shock?”

“For me, yes. Most of the time, Linda”—she shrugged—”even if I like them, I don't want to go to bed with them. I just… I just can't.…”

“When the right one comes along, it'll be different.”

“How do you know?” Vanessa looked very young as she asked her. “Sometimes I think maybe I'm just strange. It's not that I don't like men, it's just that …” She groped for the words. “It's as though there were this wall up between them and me, and I just can't get past it.” That was exactly what was happening, as Linda knew only too well. She only hoped that one day Vanessa would find the door, or have the courage to climb over the wall.

“There are no walls too high for us to climb, love. Some walls just take more work than others. I think that it may just depend on how badly you want to.”

“I don't know.” Vanessa didn't look convinced. “It's not really that … it's like I just don't know how to begin, or what to do. … But,” she sighed softly, “it's crazy, John seems to understand that.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty-seven.” Linda found herself wishing that he were older, and perhaps more mature.

“But he seems a lot older than his age. He was married for four years. They got married when he was in college. Childhood sweethearts and all that. She got pregnant, so they got married when he was eighteen. But—” She hesitated, realizing that she had just made a ghastly faux pas, and she looked up at Linda. “Never mind. It's a long story.”

“I'd like to hear it.” And the worst of it was that Vanessa wanted to tell her. She wanted to share what she was thinking about John. She needed to get it off her chest, and she could always talk straight to Linda.

“I'm sorry, love. It's a lousy story. But maybe since you're a doctor … Their baby was born defective. It had some terrible birth defect, and I guess he and his wife hung together because of the child. It sounded really awful when he told me. They took turns sitting at the hospital for the first year, and after that they had him at home until he”—she almost gulped—”until he died. I gather that it took a terrible toll on the marriage. When the baby died, they split up, and that was it. That was five years ago, and I think it shook him up for a long time.”

Linda looked shaken too, but birth defects were certainly no news to her, and to Vanessa's relief she didn't look overwhelmed by the story. “That's understandable, and so is the divorce. A lot of times couples don't survive tragedies like that one.”

Vanessa nodded. “I'm sorry to tell you that now. I didn't think when I started—”

“It's all right.” Linda touched Vanessa's hand. “I'm a big girl, you know. I'm even a doctor.” They smiled at each other.

“You know, the odd thing is that I like him so much. I feel comfortable with him, it's as if he really understands me.”

“Does that surprise you so much?”

“Yes.” She sighed softly. “Everybody else has always pushed me. They're on the make and they want to get you to bed in one night. I tried explaining to John how I felt, and he understood it. He said that after his little boy died and he broke up with his wife, he didn't sleep with anyone for two years. He just didn't want to. He thought that there was something wrong with him too, but there wasn't, it was just as though he were numb or something.”

Linda nodded. “He's right. It is very common.”

“You know, he asked if anything ever happened to me to make me feel the way I do.” She shrugged and smiled. “But I just told him I was crazy from birth, I guess.” She laughed, but it was a hollow sound, it was almost as if her eyes asked Linda a question.

Linda spoke very quietly. “I think it must have been a tremendous trauma for you when your mother died, and the custody case. You never know how those things will come out later.”

“Yeah.” She looked wistful. “Some people wind up with a stutter. Me, I'm frigid.” Her eyes were sad when she looked at Linda again but Linda shook her head.

“That's not necessarily true. In fact I seriously doubt it. You've never made love with anyone, Vanessa. You don't know what you are yet.”

“That's the truth. I'm nothing.” She looked disappointed in herself and Linda felt for her.

“Give yourself time. John sounds like a nice man. Maybe he'll come to mean something to you.”

“Maybe.” She sighed again. “If I let him.” It was not as if she were unaware of her problems. She was even beginning to think of seeing a shrink again, which pleased Linda. Maybe she would finally get it all out, after all. Maybe it was time for her. The blockage that had sat there for so long was finally making her uncomfortable.

For two nights Linda had trouble sleeping, the baby had dropped, and it felt so heavy that she could barely walk. A heat wave came along, and she was miserable and restless. At five o'clock one morning she got up, her back ached, she had heartburn, she couldn't sleep, and she finally gave up and made herself a cup of coffee. The coffee gave her cramps, and she felt like a lion in a cage by the time Teddy got up at seven.

“What time did you get up, love?” He looked surprised to see her so wide awake and so busy. She had been in the baby's room since six o'clock, folding clothes again and checking the suitcase she had packed for the baby. He hadn't seen her this busy in months, and then suddenly, as she made a funny face, he began to watch her. “Something wrong?” He said it as casually as possible, as she checked the supplies in the dressing table.

“That damned cup of coffee gave me cramps.” And then just as she said it her face pinched and she gently felt her stomach, and suddenly she understood what was happening. She looked up at Teddy in surprise, with a broad grin. “My God, I think I'm in labor.”

“What time did you get up?”

“About five o'clock. I was restless and I couldn't sleep, so I came in here and got busy.”

He grinned at her. “For a doctor you're not very smart. When did the cramps start?”

“About five thirty.” But they were so gentle, she hadn't even realized she was in labor.

“Why don't you give your doctor a call?”

“Already?”

He nodded. “Already.” She was forty years old. He was not going to play games and wait until the last minute. In fact he insisted on taking her to the hospital right away, even though she was barely in labor. But the whole thing seemed like an adventure, as she showered, put on a clean dress, and kissed him in the doorway.

“When we come back here, we'll be a mommy and a daddy.”

The thought of it made him smile, and he kissed her longingly. They hadn't been able to make love in weeks, and he was hungry for her body. “You'd better get your ass out of here, Doctor Evans, or I'm going to rape you right here in the hallway.” But as soon as he said it she had her first good pain, and she made a little surprised sound, as he supported her with an arm around her shoulders. “I think, my love, that we'd better go. The last baby I delivered at home was twenty-five years ago, and I'm not exactly dying to try that again.”

“Chicken.” She grinned at him.

By the time they got to the hospital, Linda was getting excited and the pains had begun to come at regular intervals, five minutes apart. She was smiling at everybody and exploding with energy and excitement. He helped her unpack her Lamaze bag at the hospital and then they prepared her, and when he came back, she was lying on her bed in a pink hospital gown, with a lollipop between her teeth, her hair tied back with a pink ribbon.