Amanda Grange - Rebecca’s Refusal

He dropped one of her hands, and she felt torn, both relieved that he had let it go, and yet devastated that he had done so.

But he kept hold of her other hand. He kissed the back of it, then stripping off her long white evening glove he kissed it again, turning it over and kissing her palm before trailing kisses up her arm. She gave a long, shuddering sigh, and as if it released something inside him he abandoned convention entirely and pulled her roughly into his embrace.

His eyes bored down into her own. It was as though he was looking through them into her very soul. His mouth came closer and her lips began to part. She could feel the heat of his breath, clean and sweet, and her eyelids, heavy, started to close. She felt his arms drawing her closer, crushing her against him in a virile embrace; she could almost taste his lips, and then —

A loud crash from just outside the room penetrated the spellbinding aura that surrounded her. She became gradually aware that there was a world beyond the one encircled by Joshua's arms, and knew that she must rejoin it.

He knew it, too. He was pulling away from her, dropping his arms, letting her go ... .

She swayed for a moment, not yet able to stand without his support, then made a great effort and managed to steady herself. As she did so she began to remember where she was, and to realize what had just happened.

Oh, no! she thought, overcome with mortification. Despite all her resolutions to the contrary she had almost succumbed to Joshua's powerful attraction.

“I... I must go,” she said, wondering what had come over her. How could she have become so lost to all sense that she would allow Joshua to pull her into his arms? She picked up her glove and pulled it on with shaking fingers. “Hetty will be wondering where I am.”

“Of course.” His voice was husky.

To Rebecca's relief he stood aside so that she could pass.

“But you will not find Hetty in the ballroom,” he said. “She has had to retire to the ladies withdrawing-room. Mr Korbett stood on her gown in the boulanger and ripped the hem. She asked me to explain her absence and tell you she will return to the ballroom as soon as her dress has been mended.”

“So that is what brought you here at such an opportune moment,” said Rebecca.

“That. Or fate.” He looked down at her with an enigmatic expression on his face.

Her eyelids drooped. The atmosphere was again becoming charged. She must leave. At once. Whilst she still could.

With a great effort she stirred herself. She gave herself a moment to gather her wits. Then, smoothing her skirt, which had become crushed when Joshua had pulled her into his arms, she went out into the hall.

As she did so she caught sight of a wisp of white muslin whisking round the corner. She noticed that one of the chairs lining the corridor was a little out of place, and guessed that one of the young ladies at the ball must have knocked it over, causing the crash she and Joshua had heard.

For a worrying moment she wondered if the young lady could have overheard her conversation with George Lacy. But then she dismissed the idea. What well bred young lady would listen at a door?

She patted her hair, unfurled her fan, and then making an effort to appear calm and unruffled, she returned to the ballroom. Just before she went in she took a moment to glance at herself in a gilded looking-glass hanging on the wall. To her surprise — and her profound relief — no trace of what had just passed between her and Joshua could be seen. She had thought it must be clear to all the world that he had pulled her roughly into his arms, and that she had turned up her face in willing expectation of his kiss. But she looked serene. No one would guess, from looking at her, that inside her emotions were a conflicting mass of unresolved feelings. Why had Joshua kissed her hand? Why had he stripped off her glove? Why had she let him? Why had he dragged her into his arms? And why had she not recoiled in horror when he had done so, instead of melting into his arms as though she had been born to do it?

These were questions she could not answer. They disturbed her deeply, and shook her to the roots of everything she knew — or thought she knew — about herself.

But this was not the time or the place to consider them. No matter how difficult it was, she must push them aside. She took a deep breath and then she went through into the ballroom.

Fortunately she had not been missed. Hetty had not yet returned to the ballroom, and Charles was partnering an elderly dowager on the dance floor. By the time Hetty returned, Rebecca was able to laugh and dance, and it appeared as though nothing untoward had happened.

Joshua remained in the morning-room in order to give Rebecca time to rejoin their fellow guests. It would not have done for them to return together in case their joint return had given rise to speculation about their absence. The situation was difficult enough, with George Lacy having seen them together at The Nag's Head. The last thing Joshua wanted to do was to expose Rebecca to any more harmful gossip.

But that was not the only thought to plague him. Whilst he waited in the morning-room he asked himself what he had been thinking of in taking Rebecca into his arms. As soon as he had rescued her from the clutches of George Lacy he should have encouraged her to return to the ballroom. Instead of which he had given way to his feelings, dragging her into his embrace. It was only the timely intervention of the crash from outside the room that had prevented him from kissing her.

And oh! how he had wanted to. He had never been so tempted in all his life. It had been bad enough when he had kissed her hands — and what madness had induced him to strip off her glove? — but when he had felt her soft body pressing against him as he had embraced her, when she had turned her face up to his, the temptation had been overwhelming.

That she had not known what she was doing had been clear enough. If he had not known that she was an innocent in the ways of men and women from hearing Jebadiah speak of her, he would still have recognized it for himself. She had let a protected life, and her innocence was palpable. And yet when she had turned up her face it had almost undone him.

He shook his head in bewilderment. How had it happened? If she had been a great beauty he could have understood it. But Rebecca was not beautiful. And yet she roused in him feelings the like of which he had never known. Feelings that were too strong to deny.

He paced the room. His encounter with Rebecca had left him filled with a restless energy, and he needed to do something to dispel it.

He still could not believe that he had almost kissed her. If he had done so...

He did not want to think about it.

Fortunately he had been saved from taking such an irrevocable step by the crash outside. Because if not for that he would have kissed her and then his fate would have been sealed. For having kissed her he would have had to offer her marriage.

Marriage!

He shuddered as he thought of it.

Marriage was not for him.

When he was eight-and-thirty, perhaps, and had a dynasty to found. But not at eight-and-twenty.

As his thoughts returned to George Lacy, however, he began to realize that he must offer her marriage anyway, whatever his personal feelings might be. Because if Lacy had seen them together at The Nag's Head then someone else could have seen them there as well.

Damn! He had never even considered this complication after he had spoken to her at the inn. It had never occurred to him that by being alone with her, however unwittingly, in one of The Nag's Head's bedrooms, he had compromised her. And if it had occurred to him at the time he would not have cared. Rebecca had been nothing to him then; no one; and he would not have felt obliged to offer her marriage: Society, he knew, would have expected it, but he had never allowed himself to be dictated to by anyone, and certainly not by Society.

But now that he knew who she was, and realized that they had been seen, he would have to offer her marriage anyway. It was not because of Lacy — Lacy would not talk, he was too much of a coward — but someone else might have seen them, and he would do nothing to risk the reputation of Jebadiah's granddaughter.

His face softened as he thought of his godfather. It was Jebadiah who had supported him in his desire to learn about the cotton mills that were springing up in the north, bringing wealth to the area and the country as a whole; Jebadiah who had reasoned with Joshua's family, telling them that trade did not sully the hands of a gentleman, but instead encouraged enterprise and self- reliance; and Jebadiah who, sensing a kindred spirit in Joshua, comprising a ruthless determination and a sharp ambition, had helped him achieve his goals.

He owed everything he was to Jebadiah. And he would not repay the old man by bringing disgrace to Rebecca.

It was a damned nuisance, he thought, running his hand through his mane of hair. He did not want to marry, no matter how desirable he found Rebecca. And yet it must be done. He knew where his duty lay.

What was that Hetty had said earlier in the evening? That she intended to take Rebecca to visit Frost Fair tomorrow? Very well. He would meet Rebecca there, and tell her of his plan. He and Rebecca would become betrothed. And at the earliest opportunity they would be married.

“Frost Fair?” asked Rebecca.

It was the following day, and she and Hetty were sitting in the drawing-room, looking through the latest edition of the Ladies' Monthly Museum. It was one of Hetty's favourite fashion journals, and the two ladies were perusing the latest styles when Hetty mentioned the fair.