I could think of no reply. So my feelings for Robert were as obvious as all that!

Cecil continued to regard me quizzically. I wanted to chide him for listening to gossip and for not showing due respect for his Queen.

But my wise self reminded the other that I wanted honesty from Cecil— and in any case whether I wanted it or not, I would get it, and if I objected, he would leave my service. He was that sort of man.

So I shrugged my shoulders and said nothing.

The Mystery of Cumnor Place

THERE WAS A GREAT DEAL OF GOSSIP ABOUT ROBERT AND me. We were always together and he made no attempt to hide his feelings; and I fear that I was revealing enough to show my regard for him. He had such outstanding good looks and presence that he was bound to attract attention. He was very jealous of Arundel and Pickering, and as Arundel and Pickering were jealous of each other they quarreled when they met. Cecil said it was unwise to set them against each other, but I could not resist it and would favor one more than the other in turn. But Robert always had more of everything than others so his jealousy was far in excess of that of Arundel and Pickering.

The frivolous side of me enjoyed the situation immensely while the more sober side looked on indulgently.

Robert was essentially a very proud man and I would not have felt so favorable toward him if he had not been. He was frustrated because of his marriage and certainly believed that if he had been free I would have married him…a matter of which I was not entirely sure myself. When he saw me spreading my smiles between Arundel and Pickering he pretended not to notice and when I spoke to him there was a distinct coolness in his voice. He was polite and perfectly proper so there was nothing for which I could reprove him. It was just those ardent glances of love and tenderness which I missed—and I was astonished to discover how affected I could be by his seeming indifference. It was assumed of course, but it did show that he was hurt.

Philip of Spain had turned from me. Would Robert? But Philip had never loved me—only my crown. I had convinced myself that it was different with Robert.

The situation was becoming intolerable. There were others present all the time and I could not speak to Robert as I wished to with people eavesdropping—as they always did on my conversations—and they were particularly eager to do so when I was talking with Robert.

So I wanted to speak to him privately and told Kat to bring him to my apartment. Kat was shocked.

“But, my love, you cannot do that,” she said.

“Since when has Kat Ashley seen fit to instruct the Queen?” I asked.

“Oh, we are Her Majesty today, are we?”

“Today and always,” I reminded her, “and don't forget it, unless…”

“Unless I want my head to part company with my body? But listen, my dearest, there are watchers, you know.”

“I must speak to him,” I said.

She nodded. “He is a lovely gentleman and I know Your Majesty's feeling for him and his for you. 'Tis a pity he has a wife living… somewhere in Oxfordshire I believe it to be.”

“Never mind where it is,” I said. “Bring him.”

So he came.

When we were alone together I gave him my hand to kiss.

“Robert,” I said, “you have been somewhat sullen of late, and I like not sullen men and women about me.”

“I have had good cause,” he said sharply.

“Indeed. In what way?”

“I think Your Majesty knows full well. Arundel and Pickering…My God, you could not so demean yourself.”

“Pray do not take the Lord's name in vain in my presence, Lord Dudley.”

“Madam, I will state my case.” He took both my hands and drew me toward him. I was too astonished—and delighted—to protest. Gone was the deferential Master of Horse; here was the passionate lover determined not to be denied.

I said: “State your case then, sir.”

“I love you, as you know I do. I have put myself at your service and you spurn me.”

“Spurn you! Have I not made you my Master of Horse?”

“It is not good enough.”

“You forget to whom you speak.”

“I speak to my beautiful Elizabeth whom I love. Whether she be Queen or not is no matter to me.”

“Show more respect for my crown, I beg you, Lord Robert.”

“I cannot think of your crown, but only of my love for you.”

Then he kissed me in a practiced manner which reminded me of Sir Thomas Seymour. There was a similarity between those two men. Perhaps that was why I was almost ready to submit to both of them. Almost. But I was stronger in my determination to resist now than I had been in my younger days. Robert was the most fascinating man I had ever known but I would not allow him to become my lover. The sexual act was a symbol of domination on the part of the male, I had always thought, and I had no intention of being dominated for one moment even by the most attractive man I had ever known.

I said: “Robert… dear Robin… you know my regard for you.”

“I know it and I will kill Pickering or Arundel if they dare take liberties.”

“Do you think I would allow any to take liberties with me… save one?”

“Elizabeth…my love… whom I have loved all my life… from the time when we were children and danced together. Do you remember? You noticed me then.”

“I must always notice you, Robin. You are a very noticeable gentleman.”

“You love me, I know. Do you think I am not aware of it? Even when we were in the Tower we thought of each other, did we not?”

“Yes, Robert, we did.”

“And was I not prepared to lay whatever I had at your feet?”

“So you said.”

“And you take up this coquettish stance with Arundel and Pickering.”

“I am the Queen, Robert. I may do as I wish.”

“It is more than I can endure.”

“Why so? It is only if I agreed to marry either of them that you should feel these emotions.”

“So you will not marry one of them!”

I reached up to touch his hair. It was a long way and I had to stand on tiptoe, for although I was not small in stature he was very tall.

“You know full well that I will not marry either of them.”

“They are urging you.”

“I am being urged all the time.”

“Philip has become affianced to France. You have refused Eric of Sweden and the Archduke Charles.”

“Indeed I have.”

“Is it because you love someone else?”

“And if I do?”

“I must know.”

“Are you by any chance referring to Lord Robert Dudley? And if you are how could he be a suitor for my hand? Have you forgotten that he has a wife tucked away somewhere in the country?”

“Life has been very cruel to me,” he said. “Rather has life been good to you. Just think if you had not made that marriage when you did, you would be a headless corpse, for almost certainly you would have been the one your ambitious father married to Lady Jane Grey.”

He looked at me helplessly.

I said: “There is only one course open to you, my lord. You must be a good husband to Mistress Amy.”

“Elizabeth!” He caught my hands and drew me toward him. “She is sick. I do not think she will live long.”

My heart was beating very fast. “Is that true?” I said quietly.

“True. I swear it. It could well be that within a few months I could be… free.”

I was shaken. When he kissed me I wanted him to go on doing so. I wanted him to talk of his devotion, his unrestrained passion. Always between us had been the figure of his wife—Amy, the girl in the country who made it safe for me to dally with Robert Dudley. But if she were no longer there…

It was a dazzling possibility. The frivolous side of my nature wanted him free. The serious side was not so sure.

He looked at me eagerly and I was enchanted to see his devotion to me and I smiled at him when he said: “If …” And I knew he believed that if he were a free man I would marry him.


* * *

WHEN ROBERT SAID that his wife was ill he had shaken me more than I would admit to myself. I had to know more about her and his matrimonial situation. I couldn't ask him, so I set Kat to discover. She already knew a good deal. Since he had become such a favorite of mine, there was a great deal of gossip about him.

His grandfather had been that Edmund Dudley, statesman and lawyer, who had found favor with my grandfather King Henry VII because of his clever ways with finance, and who had been beheaded by my father Henry VIII when he came to the throne as a sop to the people who blamed Edmund Dudley, with Empson, for the heavy taxes they had had to pay. Robert's father was, of course, John Dudley, Duke of Northumberland, who had tried to set Lady Jane Grey on the throne after she had married his son Guildford, and had died on the scaffold. What did Robert feel about having lost his grandfather, his father and his brother to the headsman? That grisly fact must have made him anxious at times, though he never showed it. Robert had an enduring faith in himself and he was determined to marry me. I saw that in his eyes and my desire wavered considerably. There were times when I thought of being married to Robert, and then I said to myself: If he were free, I believe I would. But that other side of me was always there warning me: You would never be completely Queen, if you set up a man beside you. He would become the King. He would oppose your wishes, enforce his will on you, try to subdue you to his desires with soft caresses and with blandishments. No, I must not marry… not even Robert. Yet if he were free… But he was not free.