I was a little annoyed when he showed too much attention to Jane. He never actually flirted with her. Thomas was too clever for that. Jane might not have understood his meaning but she would have been horrified if she did. It seemed to me that Thomas showed a different side of himself to us all. He was the loving and tender husband to Katharine; he was benignly avuncular with Jane; and to me he was the reckless adventurer who was ready to risk everything for a smile—and more if he could get it—from me.

I laughed at him. I was very contented. I had become wise enough to know that this was the best way of enjoying his company.

Kat knew exactly why he wanted Jane Grey under our roof.

“She is destined for our little King,” she said. “Thomas will get his revenge on his brother who is putting forward his own daughter Jane. But it is our Thomas who has the King's ear and I'll swear King Edward will go the way Uncle Thomas wants him to.”

“He is a very scheming man,” I said severely.

“Bless him. Let him be. He's the most handsome gentleman at Court…or at any court, I might say. He is charming to all, and men like that should be forgiven their sins.”

Such a state of affairs could not continue. I should have known that. The Admiral was growing more and more reckless and I was becoming more and more fascinated. It surprised me that, loving my stepmother as I did, I could have indulged, to the extent I did, in this covert if innocent relationship with her husband; but his admiration was so stimulating and our teasing meetings gave a spice to my days. Moreover there was Kat to giggle with. She made up fantastic and titillating stories about the Admiral and myself, and I would lie in my bed and listen to them while we laughed together. I knew that I was in a dangerous situation, but life would have lost its savor if that danger had been entirely removed.

I was growing out of childhood. Less than a year ago I had not thought of the possibility of wearing a crown; and in addition the most fascinating man at Court was enamored of me. I was after all only just fourteen, so I have the excuse of youth to offer.

We were approaching a climax. Perhaps it began on that day when I had my new dress. It was a black velvet which Kat said was a little old for my years. But I adored it. It made my white skin look whiter and it seemed to set my hair on fire by its very contrast. It was low-cut and I looked at least two years older in it. I longed to see Thomas's face when he beheld me in it. The dress was a kind of challenge. You can't pretend I'm a child anymore, it said.

I tried it on one afternoon and preened before Kat.

“You look like a queen already,” was her comment. “My word, you're going to be a haughty one. We shall all have to look to our heads when the great day comes.”

“Stop your nonsense, Kat,” I commanded.

At which she fell onto her knees and in mocking fashion raised her eyes imploringly to my face. I burst out laughing. “Kat, you are the most foolish woman I ever knew.”

“Fools are often loved more than the wise,” she replied. “Perhaps that is why my mistress loves me. But I love her even more dearly and we all know she is the wisest creature in all Christendom.”

“Get up, idiot,” I said, “and tell me whether my skirt hangs correctly.”

She scrambled to her feet and arranged the folds of my dress with loving care.

“You look wonderful,” she whispered. “But not my little girl anymore. Why, see who has come into the garden. My lord and lady. He is looking at her most tenderly. See how she leans on his arm.”

I looked with Kat. There they were walking together, looking loverlike, his arm through hers. He was saying something and she was smiling up at him. He looked as magnificent as ever.

“The peacock!” said Kat indulgently. “Look at his jewels! Those rubies must have cost a fortune. The dear Queen looks drab beside him, does she not? The peahen to his peacock.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief. “Are you going down to show them your gown?”

That was just what I was planning to do. I turned to Kat and we laughed together.

“Let us see what the naughty man has to say of your gown,” said Kat.

I did not need to be persuaded.

When he saw me approaching, the Admiral bowed ironically and my stepmother smiled at me.

“What has happened to the Lady Elizabeth?” said Thomas in a voice of wonder. “Do you see what she is wearing, Katharine? Do you allow your stepdaughter to dress up as a lady of mature years while she is yet a child?”

“Pray do not talk nonsense,” I said. “I am past fourteen.”

“Oh, is that so?” said Thomas, opening his eyes very wide. “I don't like the dress, do you, Katharine? Do you think it is a little er…revealing?”

Katharine said: “It is very becoming, Elizabeth. It does make you look older though. Thomas really likes it. He is only teasing.”

Only teasing! He came close to me and would have laid his hands on me, but I eluded him and went to my stepmother. I was suddenly a little frightened. There was a purpose in his eyes which alarmed me. Their brilliance was disconcerting; he put out his tongue a little and licked his lips. His eyes seemed to burn right through me.

“I wanted to know how you liked my gown,” I said, looking intently at my stepmother. “Kat, like you, thought it was becoming but a little too old for me.”

“I suppose she is right, dear,” agreed my stepmother. “But you have to grow up one day, don't you? Pray do not do so too quickly.”

“It is no use pleading with the Lady Elizabeth,” said Thomas. “She will have her own way, and if she says she will grow up quickly, she will endeavor to do so, unless…”

I regarded him coolly but my heart began to hammer against my bodice and I wondered if he noticed.

“Unless what, my lord?” I challenged.

He came close to me… There was a look of such intense desire in his gleaming eyes that I thought my stepmother must surely be aware of it. “Unless,” he said, “we stop her.”

I held my head high. I was enjoying this. I had rarely felt so excited and because my stepmother was present I felt safe.

“Pray do not attempt to do that,” I said.

Then he did an extraordinary thing. He took the jeweled dagger from his belt and, holding it up, pointed it toward me.

“Thomas!” cried my stepmother in amazement.

“This child must be taught a lesson. What say you, Katharine. Shall we allow her to command us, eh?”

I moved close to my stepmother. He approached and picking up my voluminous skirt he slit it from hem to waist.

There was a silence which seemed to go on for a long time. My stepmother and I were too astonished to move. Then I heard him laugh and he went on cutting my skirt. Then his hands were on the bodice. If he had attempted to cut that, he might have cut me. I felt his hands tugging at it and then it was torn down the front and it fell away from my shoulders. I was exposed in my petticoats.

“Help me, Katharine,” he said. “We will show this wayward daughter of ours. I am going to cut this gown into ribbons and nothing will stop me.”

The Queen was laughing. She said: “Oh Thomas, you take your games too far.”

“Come, Katharine, hold her,” he commanded.

She put her arms about me holding me tightly and I allowed myself to stand still while he finished his work on the dress. An irresistible excitement possessed me.

“You…you…” I panted. “You have ruined my dress!”

“And shown you what I feel,” he said. “We have done that, haven't we, Katharine?”

“You are such a boy, Thomas,” she said.

“You have ruined my dress,” I repeated in mock anger. “You will have to pay for a new one.”

“Most willingly and I will make sure that it is of my liking.”

I think my stepmother must have become aware of watching eyes from the window.

“Elizabeth,” she said, “you are half naked. You had better go in at once. What will they think?”

“They will think that I am a man who will have his way,” said Thomas, and I am ashamed to say that the ambiguity of his words was thrilling to me.

“Not with me,” I said; then realizing that my stepmother was right and I could not remain in the gardens thus, I turned away and ran across the lawns into the Palace.

Kat was waiting for me, agog with excitement. She had, of course, seen it all.


* * *

SOON AFTER THAT INCIDENT my stepmother told me that she was expecting a child. She was so happy but I felt a great pity for her as well as the tenderness she always aroused in me. I could not help wondering whether she was aware of the manner of man she had married. She did not appear to be, and it struck me that she deliberately closed her eyes to his true character. What did she think of his flirtation with me? She called it “teasing” as though it was the kind of behavior which was natural between an indulgent parent and a stepdaughter of whom he was fond. How could she have been so blind?

That disgraceful scene in the garden was the beginning of the change in our relationship. It was almost as though he was telling me that he had finished with the preliminary stages, the foreplay, of his courtship of me. He was clever; he knew that I was aware of his intentions and he also knew that my feelings for him were far from indifferent.

We were in a highly dangerous situation. If he reached the climax toward which he was moving, he would do more than endanger his marriage, he could commit a crime against the State. I was no longer merely the bastard daughter of the King. Under the late King's will, I was in line to the throne if anything happened to Edward, and if Thomas carried out his intention, which was surely seduction, that could be treason and he could lose his head. Did he know this? Of course he did, but danger was the breath of life to him. He was reckless by nature, ambitious and confident. What was he thinking of, besides seducing me? I was not so simple as to believe his plans did not go beyond that. To marry me? To share a throne with me? But he had a wife. Wives could be removed. I sometimes wished I did not possess such a logical mind.