Jilly Cooper - Prudence

‘She was jealous?’ said Fay with sudden bitterness. ‘It was she who took him away from me in the first place. I suppose it was tactless of me to stay. I was so pleased to see them all again,’ she added wistfully. ‘They’re so lovely.’

‘I know they are,’ I said.

I went back into the house, pausing to look at my pale reflection in the looking glass in the hall. I still only had one eye made up. The drawing-room door was open.

‘Pru,’ Rose called, ‘we’re all in here.’

Jack was sitting on the window seat, surrounded by a debris of crisps, coloured streamers and burst balloons. Upon his face was a desolation so haggard I hardly recognized him. Berenice had her supportive face on. Ace handed me a stiff gin and tonic. Rose was revelling in the situation.

‘Isn’t it dreadful?’ she said to me. ‘Maggie and I were playing bridge tomorrow, and she’s taken Professor Copeland’s hat with her.’

‘And my Hermes belt I shouldn’t wonder,’ said Berenice.

‘It’s very odd of Maggie,’ said Rose. ‘I thought Pendle was supposed to be Pru’s boyfriend.’

Jack turned to me. ‘You saw her last. What did she say?’

‘I think she was jealous of you chatting up Fay. She’d never met her before. She was — well — a bit shocked Fay looked so attractive, and you seemed so pleased to see her.’

‘Hell, I was pleased to see her,’ said Jack. ‘I always liked her when we weren’t rowing.’

‘I take saunas with my ex and his permanent commitment,’ said Berenice. ‘You’ve gotta stay loose about exes.’

Jack shot her a look of pure hatred; then he turned to Ace.

‘I can’t believe she’s gone. Shall I drive down and get her?’

Ace shook his head. ‘Leave her alone. If you drag her away now, she’ll never know how much she hated living with Pen.’

‘She might like it.’

‘They’ll drive each other round the bend.’

Jack looked at his untouched drink. ‘I deserve it, I suppose. I had absolutely no compunction about pinching her from Pen in the first place. It’s an eye for an eye.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘At least she won’t have to change her name.’

‘Oh let her go, Jack,’ said Rose. ‘She’s not worth bothering about.’

It was the first time I’d seen Jack angry — it was terrifying.

‘Shut up! you stupid bitch,’ he spat at Rose. ‘If it hadn’t been for you leading her astray. .’

Rose bridled. ‘Really Jack. There’s no need to speak to your mother like that.’

Ace took Rose’s arm. ‘Why don’t you watch television?’

Rose tossed her head. ‘Do you really think I’d watch television at a time like this?’

‘Go on!’ said Ace. She flounced out.

Ace turned to Berenice and me. ‘Can you both possibly keep her happy for half-an-hour?’

We found Rose thumbing through the Radio Times in the study.

‘We had a really good bridge four lined up,’ she said. ‘Maggie might have waited until Wednesday. She never had any sense of proportion.’

I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about Ace.

‘Charlie Drake’s on in a minute,’ said Rose suddenly. ‘Switch it on, there’s a love. I’ve just got time to go and tell the Professor about Maggie. He won’t be at all pleased about his hat.’

She bustled out into the hall. Antonia Fraser was sharpening her claws on the sofa. The television leapt noisily into life. Reginald Bosanquet was talking about the chaos caused on the roads by the snow.

‘British news is so parochial,’ said Berenice, turning it down. ‘You must be upset, Prudence,’ she went on. ‘You won’t get your lift back to London now.’

‘Oh shut up,’ I said.

Berenice picked at the polish on one of her long scarlet nails.

‘You only hurt yourself by coming on hostile,’ she said. ‘Don’t you realize anger is just the flipside of depression? You must ask yourself why you feel threatened by me.’

‘I can’t stand your crummy philosophizing.’

‘You’re not being honest, Prudence. There’s a time when absolute honesty must take precedence in an enlightened community over more pragmatic considerations. Otherwise we simply recreate the hypocrisy of our times.’

‘Could I have an interpreter?’ I said, taking a slug of my gin.

‘You’re emotionally fixated on Ivan.’

‘I am not!’ But I could feel myself going scarlet.

‘Oh yes, and he knows it too — and he’s very, very embarrassed by it.’

‘Can’t imagine him being embarrassed by anything,’ I said.

‘That shows how untuned you are into other people’s vibrations. Ivan’s been supportive to you over the past week or so because you’ve been ill, and he thought Pendle gave you a raw deal. He cares about people, he’s a people person.’

‘Hold on while I rummage for my sick bag,’ I said desperately.

‘Prudence, don’t joke about this. Everyone is embarrassed by you being here, but they expected Pendle would be here tomorrow to take you back. Now it’s quite obvious Pendle’s cashed in his chips where you’re concerned, do you honestly want to go on outstaying your welcome?’

‘No,’ I whispered. ‘No, of course I don’t.’

‘Ivan’s got enough worries coping with Jack and Rose. He doesn’t need you hanging around like a lovesick teeny-bopper anymore, playing gooseberry.’

Reginald Bosanquet was making a little end-of-programme joke with Andrew Gardner about a canary who’d learned to whistle Beethoven’s Ninth.

Rose bustled in full of excitement. ‘The Professor’s going to send Pendle a bill for that hat. It cost £50 at Herbert Johnson.’

‘Rose,’ I said, ‘would you mind awfully if I slipped off to bed? I’m still a bit weak, and it’s been rather an exhausting day.’

I slunk into bed, clutching the kitten, and turned off the light. Tomorrow I’d beat it. I wasn’t hanging around any longer being a nuisance.

Hours and hours later, I heard Ace and Jack coming to bed, still talking in low voices.

Ace came in to see me very early next morning and handed me a letter from Jane.

‘I’m going into Manchester with Jack to see our solicitor,’ he said. ‘I’ll be back for lunch. You don’t look too good. Yesterday must have tired you out. Don’t get up till I get back.’

He ran a finger down my cheek. ‘I’m sorry a family crisis has blown up in your face.’

He’s going, I thought in panic, trying to imprint his features on my memory, and I’ll never see him again. It was as though my heart was being torn out of me. As he reached the door, I called to him.

‘Thank you for looking after me and everything.’

He turned. ‘I haven’t finished yet.’

‘I’m sorry I’ve been difficult.’

His face softened. ‘You’ve been bloody difficult.’ And he was gone.

I dressed quickly, flinging my clothes into a suitcase, and then went to see Rose, who was horrified at being woken at such an ungodly hour.

‘I’ve just had a letter from my mother,’ I lied. ‘She’s awfully ill, and there’s no one to look after my father, so I’m afraid I shall have to leave at once.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Rose petulantly. ‘Everyone’s going. First Pendle, then Jimmy, then Maggie, and now you. It’s like something out of Chekhov. Never mind. You must come again. Braddock will drive you to the station.’

‘Would you mind if I took the kitten?’ I said.

‘Of course not,’ said Rose. ‘Far too many animals around the place as it is. We might have a basket somewhere.’

My letter to Ace took ages. It’s so difficult when all you want to say to someone is, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ In the end it was a bald little note saying thank you and that my mother was ill.

Mr Braddock put my things in the car. The kitten was thumping round in its basket, mewing piteously. I went into the kitchen. Berenice was sitting eating her revolting rats’-dropping-in-sawdust breakfast, and reading the Guardian. I ignored her and hugged Mrs Braddock.

‘Goodbye, and thank you for bringing up all those trays and everything.’

Mrs Braddock mopped her eyes with her apron.

‘You’re a good girl and you worked very hard yesterday. And we’ll all miss you very much. I hope you come again soon, although I’m not sure I’ll be here.’ She shot a venomous glance at Berenice, who calmly went on eating.

Mr Braddock appeared in the doorway. ‘We’ll have to hurry, love, if we’re going to catch the train.’

I walked to the door, ignoring Berenice, but she looked up and said:

‘Goodbye Prudence, I’m sure you’ll find a permanent commitment soon. I hope you’ve got enough ego strength not to take Ivan’s rejection as a sign of rejection.’

For a second I looked at her meditatively, teeny-bopper to woman. Then I said, ‘As you keep saying, the only really authentic thing in life is to act on your own impulses.’ And I picked up her plate of horrible health food and emptied it, milk and all, over her shiny newly washed head. ‘And I’ll come and throw brown rice at your wedding,’ I added. Then I ran out to the waiting car.

Rose was waiting outside. It was a beautiful day. The sunshine, the sparkling snow and the rollicking dogs seemed so incongruous beside my black suicidal gloom.

‘Goodbye Rose darling,’ I said, leaping into the car. ‘Give my love to Jack — and Ace.’

As she waved me off, I felt like a barnacle being prised away from its rock.

The mountains gleamed like marble against the bright blue sky, snow ivied the walls, every twig and grass blade glittered thickly like sparkler fireworks. What was the poem we learnt at school?

‘Crack goes the whip, and off we go.

The trees and houses smaller grow.