Marie Sexton - Promises

“I can’t hold him! What if I drop him?”

“You won’t.”

James looked tiny in Matt’s big hands. Matt sat on the couch holding him for a while.

He unwrapped him and checked all of his fingers and toes. He brushed his fingers over James’s cheek and smiled when James turned his head toward them, his tiny lips making suckling sounds.

“He’s so tiny.”

“Yes.” Lizzy rubbed her hand on the top of Matt’s head. “Are you going to help Jared watch him on our date night?”

“You bet.”

“Then I hereby name you an honorary uncle. Uncle Matt.”

He gave her his dazzling smile. “I like the sound of that.”

THE day of my meeting with the high school committee arrived. I made an effort to look a little more respectable than usual. I spent a ridiculously long time trying to get all of my curls back into a ponytail and wore the one pair of slacks that I owned and a button-up shirt and tie.

“Wow.” Matt said when I came out of the bedroom. “You’re really pulling out all the stops. Are you nervous?”

“Very.”

“It will be fine. I’ll have a beer open for you when you get back.”

I felt like I was going off to war, and I was armed for battle. I had thought it over and decided that I was going to fight them. I took a copy of my teacher’s certificate with me and the supportive letters I had received from some of the parents. If the parents wanted me to tutor their kids, why did the school have to get involved at all?

Walking into the high school was strange. I hadn’t been there since I was a student fifteen years earlier, but it seemed like nothing had changed. The mural on the wall was the same; the strange speckled linoleum was the same. Even the weird smell was the same. I felt sure that I could walk up to my old locker and open it up, and my books would still be sitting there waiting for me. It brought back all those feelings from my high school years of trying to hide what I knew I was. It didn’t help my confidence any.

The “committee” consisted of four people. Mr. Stevens, the band director, was one of them. Alice Rochester started to make introductions, and I was surprised that they were assuming we were all on a first-name basis.

“This is Ann, our math teacher.” Alice indicated a small blonde woman, younger than me, who probably had every one of her male students wrapped around her finger. “And Roger, our science teacher.” About my age, but short and pudgy. “And I think you know Bill, our band instructor.” Of course he was wearing a bow tie. I shook hands all around and then sat in the chair they had left for me.

“Jared,” Alice began, “we’ve been hearing a lot about you lately. Several of our students have been talking, and we’ve had a few calls from parents too.”

“Look, if this is about the tutoring, I have notes from the parents, and I have my teaching certificate—”

“You brought it with you? Oh good! I meant to ask. So, I take it you know why you’re here?”

“I assume it’s because somebody thinks that I can’t tutor a few kids without acting like a damn pedophile and groping a few of them, but I assure you—”

Suddenly there was a lot of fidgeting and paper rustling, and everybody was looking up at the ceiling, appearing very flustered. Everybody except Mr. Stevens. “Jared,” he said kindly, “I’m afraid you have greatly misconstrued the purpose of this meeting.”

“I have?”

“Would I be here if the agenda was simply to persecute you for your sexual orientation?”

“Um….” I felt like an idiot. I looked around at everybody. Alice and Roger were still fidgeting and looking somewhere over my head, but Ann was smiling at me. “Jesus. I’m sorry.” Why can’t I ever keep my mouth shut? I couldn’t have just waited to see what they had to say before I started raving at them? I took a couple of deep breaths, and when I looked around again, I was relieved to see that they had started to look at me again. “Boy, this is embarrassing. Listen, how about I just shut up, and we can start over?”

Alice gave me her toothpaste commercial smile again. “Jared, I had no idea you were expecting to be attacked when you came in here, although it does clarify parts of our conversation the other day.” Just when I thought I couldn’t be more embarrassed. “I should have been clearer. The reason we asked you to come here today is this: we’d like to offer you a position here at the school.”

And if she had told me that she was going to strip naked and jump off the building, I wouldn’t have been more surprised. “You mean, like a job?”

“Yes. ‘Like a job’.” Her mouth twisted into a lopsided grin, and I think she almost winked when she said that. “The truth is, Jared, most of our teachers are overloaded right now. They’re teaching more subjects than they can handle, and many of them are teaching subjects which they never specialized in. The higher math and science classes especially have been, um, a little bit problematic.”

“What Alice is too nice to say,” Ann cut in, “is that Roger and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing.” Alice started to protest, but Ann cut her off. “It’s true. I never intended to be a math teacher. That’s just how things ended up. I can teach the lower level classes fine, but the truth is, advanced algebra and calculus are over my head.” She looked over at Roger.

He nodded. “It’s true. I’m a biologist. And I can manage with chemistry. But physics is beyond me.”

Alice started again now. “Ann and Roger have been doing their best, but the fact is it’s a terrible disservice to the students.” Nods all around.

Ann spoke again. “We don’t have that many students who make it to calculus or who want to take physics, but there are a few. So many of them struggle, and I’ve never been able to help them much.” I remembered Ringo saying his teacher didn’t know anything. I hadn’t realized he was right. “But all of a sudden, this year, students started getting A’s. They started catching me making mistakes.” She was turning red. “That’s not fun in a class of high school kids, let me tell you. And it wasn’t long before we started hearing all about you.”

“So, you want me to teach?” I knew that was a stupid question, but I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I had been so sure that I was walking into a battle. I still hadn’t quite recovered.

“The position would start in January, at midterm. I’ve put together a package for you with information on benefits and pay. We can’t pay you much. You could make more teaching in Boulder or Fort Collins, but since you already have a home here in Coda, we thought maybe we could convince you.” She handed me a folder filled with papers. “Take some time to think about it and talk it over with your family. Feel free to call me with any other questions in the meantime.”

“The fact that I’m gay isn’t a problem?”

It was Mr. Stevens who answered, and I realized he had probably been included in this meeting specifically for this reason. “It’s not a problem as far as the school is concerned. I can’t lie to you—there will be parents who will complain. Not many, but a few. However, the fact remains that, like band, physics, advanced algebra, and calculus are all electives. So parents can decide. If their personal prejudices are more important than the furthering of their children’s education, well, frankly, it’s not our problem. I’m not going to lie to you, Jared. It’s not always easy. Kids can be mean and so can their parents. But it can also be very rewarding.”

“I, uh….” I wasn’t exactly being articulate. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I had no idea. I really don’t know what to say.”

“Well, we hope you’ll say ‘yes.’”

SOME rational part of my brain knew that I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing that I would be putting Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.

Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.

“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”

The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”

“Can I call her?”

I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”

“Why not?” and the happiness in his voice had been replaced by confusion.

“Because, I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”

“What?”

“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I had meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.

“Fine.” And now he sounded hurt and angry.

“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”

I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.

We did, however, argue again about his coworkers and my continued refusal to spend time with them. And that night over dinner, he dropped the Christmas bombshell on me.

“Jared, the department is hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I really want you to come with me.” He didn’t expect me to agree. I could tell he was already braced for a fight. And with good reason.