I just glared at her, even though it was kind of hard to see her through my tears.

“That’s not it,” I said, “and you know it.”

“Oh, wait, I know. Is it because all these months he didn’t tell you about something he KNEW you wouldn’t understand and would go bananas over, because it is in your nature to go bananas over the littlest things, and he wanted to spare you?”

“What he did,” I said, a catch in my voice, “wasn’t LITTLE—”

“Oh, spare me,” Lilly spat. “Tina told me about that stupid book her aunt gave her. Are you really so ignorant that you don’t know that this whole ‘Precious Gift’ crap started off as men’s way of controlling females so that they could limit their number of sexual partners, and therefore ensure the legitimacy of their own offspring?”

“Hold on,” I said, glaring at her. Which was hard to do, considering the tears that were causing my nose to feel prickly. “There is NOTHING wrong with waiting to have sex until you can do it with someone you love.”

“Of course there’s not,” Lilly said. “You’re totally entitled to that belief. But CONDEMNING someone who doesn’t necessarily SHARE that belief? That’s no better than those fundamentalist judges in Iran who condemn women to be buried up to their necks in sand and have rocks thrown at their heads. Because any way you look at it, that’s YOU punishing someone for not sharing YOUR morals.”

The tears totally came with that one. I mean, seriously. Comparing ME to one of those evil fundamentalist judges?

But Lilly wouldn’t let up.

“Why don’t you just admit what this whole fight with Michael is REALLY about, Mia?” she snarled. “You’re mad because Michael won’t do what you want and stay in New York to be your little lapdog. Because he has a mind of his own and he wants to use it to make a LIFE of his own. THAT’s what this is all about. And DON’T try to deny it.”

That’s when J.P. got up, grabbed Lilly by the arm, and said, “Come on. We’re going for a walk,” and dragged her out of the cafeteria.

And that’s also when I started to cry in earnest. Not sobbing or anything. Just quietly weeping, over the remains of my burger.

Yes. I am a pathetic crying meat-eater now.

Boris patted me on the shoulder and said, “Don’t cry, Mia. I think you’re doing the right thing. Long-distance relationships never work. Better to make a clean break of it, like this.”

“Boris,” Tina said, sounding exasperated.

“No,” I said. “He’s right.”

Because he is.

I just wish he wasn’t.

Also that I was dead.

I just went and got some bacon to put on my cheeseburger.

Friday, September 10, G & T

I almost skipped this class. Partly because I felt really sick after the burger. I definitely shouldn’t have added the bacon.

But also partly because I didn’t want to see Lilly again. Especially without J.P. to rein her in.

But I didn’t skip because I figured I’d just get in trouble. And a trip to Principal Gupta’s office is the last thing I need.

Also, I got some Tums from the nurse, and that seemed to help.

I was glad I didn’t skip when I walked into class. Glad, because the first thing I saw when I walked in was Lilly, WEEPING.

I wasn’t glad she was crying. I was glad because she so obviously needed me. I mean, something had Happened. Something BIG.

Boris was standing there next to her, looking alarmed. I think it’s only natural that I assumed Lilly was crying because of something Boris said to her, since he flung me this totally panicky look when I walked in.

“What did you do to her?” I asked him, shocked. Because Boris can be a jerk sometimes. But he honestly doesn’t MEAN to be. And he’s gotten a lot less jerky since Tina started going out with him.

“She was like this when I came in,” Boris insisted. “It wasn’t me!”

“Lilly.” I couldn’t imagine what could be the matter with her. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with me and Michael.That would never make Lilly cry. Hardly anything made Lilly cry. Except…I gasped. “Did Lana Weinberger decide to run for student council president after all?”

“No!” Lilly said scornfully, between sobs. “God! Do you think I’d be crying over something likethat ?”

“Well.” I stared down at her blankly. “What is it, then?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lilly said.

But I noticed her gaze slide toward Boris. What’s more important, Boris noticed it, too.

And so—exercising a little of the tact Tina has so carefully taught him—Boris said, “I guess I’ll just go start practicing now,” and went and let himself into the supply closet.

I said, “Okay, he’s gone. Now tell me.”

Lilly took a deep, shuddering breath. Then, glancing around at everyone else in the room—all of whom immediately ducked their heads, pretending to be engrossed in their individual projects, something that NEVER happens unless Mrs. Hill is in the room, which she most decidedly was not just then—Lilly whispered, “J.P. just broke up with me.”

I stared at her in complete and utter astonishment.“What?”

“You heard me.” Lilly reached up and wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist, leaving a long black mascara stain on each side of her face. “He dumped me.”

I pulled out the chair next to Lilly’s just in time to collapse into it and not onto the floor.

“You’re joking,” I said. Because it was the only thing I could think of to say.

But it was painfully clear by the way tears continued to stream from her eyes that shewasn’t joking.

“Butwhy ?” I asked.“When?”

“Just now,” Lilly said. “Outside on the front steps, next to Joe.” Joe is the stone lion that flanks the stairs leading to the front doors of Albert Einstein High. “He said he felt really bad, but that he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do about him. He said he values me as a friend, but that he’s never lo-loved me!”

I couldn’t stop staring at her. Somehow, this was way more horrible than what Michael had done to me. I mean, Michael had had sex with Judith Gershner and lied to me about it, and all.

But he had never said he didn’t love me.

“Oh, Lilly,” I breathed. I forgot about being a nihilist. All I could think about was how much Lilly was hurting. “Oh, Lilly. I’m so sorry.”

“So am I,” Lilly said, wiping her eyes again. “Sorry I was such anidiot for not admitting to myself what I KNEW was going on sooner.”

I blinked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the very first time I told him that I loved him, and all he said was thank you? I mean, I should have taken that as a sign that he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him, right?”

“But we all just thought it was because he wasn’t used to having a girl like him,” I said. “Remember, Tina said—”

“Right, that he was like the Beast fromBeauty and the Beast , unused to human love, and uncertain how to react to it. Well, guess what? Tina was wrong. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to react. He just didn’t love me back, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me so. So he just led me on, all these months.”

I couldn’t help sucking in my breath. “Oh, Lilly,” I said. “No! I mean, he must have thought maybe—”

“That he’d grow to love me?” Lilly managed a bitter smile. “Yeah, well, apparently it didn’t work.”

“Oh, Lilly,” I said. I could have killed J.P. right then. I really could have. I couldn’t believe he was putting her through this.

And to do it at school! Of all places! I mean, why couldn’t he have waited until they were somewhere alone, like Ray’s Pizza, and broken the news to her then, so she could cry in private? What’swrong with boys?

I’ll kill him. Seriously. I’m going to kill him.

I didn’t even realize I’d said the words out loud until Lilly reached out and grabbed my wrist and said, “Mia. No. Don’t.”

I looked at her, startled. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t say anything to him about it. Really. It’s my fault. I…I sort of knew all along that he didn’t love me.”

“What?”I’ve heard about this before. When victims of rat fink boyfriends blame themselves for what the loser himself did.

But I never thought LILLY, of all people, would be one of them.

“What are youtalking about, you knew? Obviously you didn’t know, Lilly, or you wouldn’t have—”

“No, it’s true,” Lilly said, her voice hoarse with tears. “When he never said he loved me back, I suspected that there was something wrong. But I—well, like you said. I thought he might learn to love me. So I stayed with him, instead of breaking it off, like I should have. It’s not his fault. He tried, Mia. He really did. It was actually really nice of him not to let it go farther than it did. He could really have taken advantage. But he didn’t.”

I couldn’t help being all, “So, wait. Does that mean that you two never—”

Lilly’s eyes narrowed. “Nice try, POG,” she said. “I’m down, but I’m not out. We still have a presidential election to plan, you know.”

I dropped my head down to the top of the desk. “Lilly,” I said. “I can’t. I just can’t. Can’t you see I’m broken?”

“Well, I’m broken, too,” Lilly said defensively. “And I’m still able to FUNCTION. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

I really hate this expression. I bet fish would totally want bicycles, if they had legs.

Then, in a gentler voice, Lilly added, “Look, POG, about you and my brother. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” I said. And all the tears I thought I had successfully fought down in the cafeteria came rushing back.

“But I don’t get it,” Lilly said.

“Of course you don’t get it,” I said miserably, to the top of the desk. “You’re his sister. You’re on his side.”