Well, okay, not a cannibal. But whatever you call an excessive meat eater.

Except that I knew the truth. My sick feeling had nothing to do with all the meat I’d eaten, and everything to do with the fact that Michael’s plane had totally landed, and that he’d conceivably be checking his messages at any minute.

“Listen,” J.P. said. “I was wondering if you’d heard about Lilly’s party.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m not invited. Obviously.”

“I figured,” J.P. said with a sigh. “I was hoping she’d gotten over that by now.”

“Well, seeing our pictures plastered all over the news together isn’t going to help the situation any,” I said.

“No,” J.P. said. “Maybe if we give her the weekend…”

“Maybe.” I hope so. But I don’t really think the weekend is going to do it.

“Want to get together and have a party of our own tonight?” J.P. asked. “You know, show them how it’s done?”

“Oh my gosh, that is so sweet of you,” I said. “But I think I’d better stay here. Because Michael’s plane has landed, so he should be checking his e-mail soon. And I really want to be here when he calls.”If he calls.

But he has to call.Right??????

“Oh.” J.P. sounded kind of taken aback. “Well, wouldn’t it be better if youweren’t there when he calls? So he realizes how sought-after and popular you are?”

I laughed. J.P. really does have a twisted sense of humor.

“Funny! But I think there’s a good chance he’s going to realize that when he sees the paper. If that photo of us makes it to Japan. Besides, I really do need to work on my Precalculus if I’m going to pass.”

“Well, if you need help, I’ll be happy to come over,” J.P. offered. “I’m a whiz at the summation of infinitesimal differences.”

Isn’t he the sweetest? Imagine, offering to give up his Saturday to help me with Precalculus!

“Aw,” I said. “That’s so nice. But I’m good. I have an actual Algebra instructor living here, who I can turn to if I start pulling out my hair in despair. I mean, what’s left of my hair.”

“Well,” J.P. said. “Okay. But if you change your mind…”

“I’ll know who to call,” I said. I was kind of trying to hurry him off the phone. Because Michael could have been calling at that very moment. Not that my cell wouldn’t have told me. But. You know.

“Okay,” J.P. said. “Well, just remember. We make a ‘very attractive’ couple.”

“Because we’re both so tall and blond,” I said, laughing. J.P. laughed too, and then hung up.

When the Yellowstone caldera last erupted six hundred and forty thousand years ago, it released a thousand cubic kilometers of debris, basically covering half of North America in ash piles six feet deep.

This is totally what’s going to happen when J.P. finally finds his one true love.

I know this is totally selfish to say, but I just hope that when he finds his, I still have mine.

Saturday, September 11, 4 p.m., the loft

Inbox: 0

Phone messages: 0

I can’t believe this. He hasn’t e’d or called yet.

Mom just looked in here and went, “Mia? Aren’t you going out tonight?”

I guess she could tell by the fact that I’m wearing my Hello Kitty flannel pajamas that I’m in for the night.

“Nah,” I said, managing to sound more carefree than I really feel. WHY HASN’T HE CALLED? “I’m just going to hang here and catch up with my Precalculus homework.”

“Precalculus homework?” Mom actually reached out and felt my forehead. “You don’tfeel feverish….”

“Ha ha.” Everyone around me is turning into such a comedian lately. I totally put my hands behind my back so she couldn’t see how sweaty they were.

“Mia,” Mom said, putting on her maternal face. “You can’t sit around in this apartment pining for Michael forever.”

“I know that,” I said, looking shocked. “God, Mom! Do you think I’d do that? I’m a feminist, you know. I don’t need a man to make me happy.” It’s just, you know, when that particular one is around, and I smell his neck, my oxytocin levels rise, and I feel calmer and more relaxed than I do when I’m alone. Or with anyone else.

“Well.” Mom seemed skeptical. She knows about the oxytocin thing. “I don’t know. You’re not staying in now because of that silly news article, then, are you?”

“You mean the one accusing me of dating my best friend’s ex-boyfriend when my own boyfriend and I have barely been broken up a week?” I asked lightly. “Gee, no, why on earth would I let that bother me?”

“Mia.” Mom’s lips started getting thin, a sure sign she was unhappy with me. “You can’t let the fact that Michael is moving on with his life keep you from moving on with yours. Of course it’s important to mourn the loss, but—”

“WHAT LOSS? MAYBE MICHAEL HASN’T GOTTEN MY APOLOGY E-MAIL YET. FOR ALL WE KNOW, HE COULD BE OPENING HIS E-MAIL RIGHT NOW AND SEEING THAT I APOLOGIZED AND BE GETTING READY TO CALL TO TAKE ME BACK. ANY SECOND NOW.”

“Stop yelling,” Mom said. “Are you really feeling all right? You look a little peaked. Have you eaten anything today?”

“Um.” I wasn’t sure how to break it to her that I’d polished off all the lunch meat and the Canadian bacon she’d been saving for breakfast. There wasn’t a piece of meat left in the loft. Or any ice cream, either. And I’d also finished all the Girl Scout cookies. “Yes.”

“Well, if you’re sure you’re feeling all right and you’re going to stay here anyway,” Mom said, “Frank and I might head on over to the Angelika to see that new grunge rockumentary. Would you mind watching Rocky while we’re gone?”

“Sure,” I said. In lieu of smelling Michael’s neck, I figured I could use a few hours of Rocky’s favorite game, which involves pointing at various pieces in his Tonka collection and shouting “Tuck!” which meanstruck in Rocky-speak. It might relax me.

So now I’m here babysitting my brother.

If only the photographers from theNew York Post could see me now. The glamorous life of America’s favorite princess: sitting on the living room floor with her baby brother, playing “Tuck” in her flannel Hello Kitty pajamas…

…while her heart slowly and irrevocably breaks.

Sunday, September 12, 10 a.m., the loft

Inbox: 0

Calls: 0

But I have an instant message!!!

Oh, it’s just from Tina. But I guess that’s better than nothing.

ILUVROMANCE: Hey, Mia!!!! Did he call?????

FTLOUIE: Not yet. But I’m sure I’ll hear soon. He’s probably still getting settled and all of that. He’ll call or write as soon as he gets a chance.

God, I sound so brave and strong, when inwardly, I’m quivering like a—I don’t even know what. Tiny quivering thing. WHY HASN’T HE CALLED????

ILUVROMANCE: Of course he will. Unless he saw that photo, I mean.

Okay, time to change the subject.

FTLOUIE: So how was the party????

ILUVROMANCE: The party was okay, I guess. Nothing too exciting happened. Kenny Showalter came over with a bunch of guys from his muay thai fighting class, and they all started doing shirtless handstand push-ups, and I guess Lilly was impressed by what she saw since she totally hooked up with one of them. And then Perin ate too many maraschino cherries and threw up in the bathroom sink and a lot of the cherries were still whole so Ling Su had to cut them up with scissors to get them to go down the drain. That’s about it. Like I said, you didn’t miss much.

FTLOUIE: Wait a minute. Lilly HOOKED UP with a GUY FROM KENNY SHOWALTER’S MUAY THAI FIGHTING CLASS?

ILUVROMANCE: Oh. Yeah. Well, I mean, Boris said he saw Lilly making out with some dude in the kitchen. But she threw a lobster pot holder at his head before he could get a good look at who it was. You know Boris is afraid of lobsters—

FTLOUIE: But it was definitely one of the muay thai fighters????

ILUVROMANCE: Yeah. Well, the guy wasn’t wearing a shirt, so it had to be.

FTLOUIE: But that’s just…that’s so wrong! I mean, she hasn’t even had a chance to recover from her heartbreak over J.P.! This is obviously just a rebound relationship! What does Lilly think she’s doing? Someone’s got to talk to her. Did you try talking to her????

ILUVROMANCE: Well…sort of. But she just laughed in my face and told me not to be such a—

FTLOUIE: Such a what? Such a WHAT?

ILUVROMANCE: Nothing. Mia, I have to go, my mom’s calling me. TTYL!

But the thing was, she didn’t have to say it. I know what Lilly told her.

Not to be such a Mia.

But there’s a REASON I worry so much about her. Sometimes Lilly makes really bad choices. And then she gets hurt.

And true, sometimes she makes good choices—like dating J.P.—and gets hurt anyway.

But making out with some random muay thai fighter in her kitchen just one day after breaking up with her boyfriend of six months?

I don’t see how that can be a good choice.

Someone’s got to talk to her, before she does something she regrets.

If Dr. Moscovitz didn’t completely hate me right now—for dumping her son, and then ALLEGEDLY dating her daughter’s boyfriend—I’d call her.

But given the current state of our relationship, that is probably not the wisest course of action.

Sunday, September 12, 11 a.m., the loft

Inbox: 0

But then my cell rang!

But it wasn’t Michael. It was just J.P.

J.P.: “Hey! How are you?”

It was kind of hard to hide my crushing disappointment.

Me: “Fine. You?”

J.P.: “What’s wrong? Wait—don’t tell me he hasn’t called.”

Me: “He hasn’t called.”

Unintelligible muttering from his end of the phone. Then:

J.P.: “Don’t worry. He’ll call.”

Me: “I hope so.”

J.P.: “Are you kidding? He’d be a fool not to. So how was your night last night?”