“Your father wants to speak to you,” she said, looking smug, and then turned around and walked out.

Seriously. I love my mom and all. But she can’t have it both ways. She can’t raise me to be a socially conscious rebel and then get worried when the weight of my depression about the world oppresses me to the point that I can no longer get out of bed, send me to therapy, then freak out when I follow that therapist’s advice. She just can’t.

And, okay, Dr. K didn’t actually TELL me to spend that much on underwear. But whatever.

“I’m not taking any of it back,” I say to my dad.

“I’m not asking you to,” he said.

“Do you know how much I spent?” I asked suspiciously.

“I do. The credit card company already called me. They thought the card had been stolen and some teenage girl was on a spending spree. Since you’ve never spent that much before.”

“Oh,” I said. “Then what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nothing. I just have to make it seem like I’m yelling at you. You know how your mother is. She’s from the Midwest. She can’t help it. If it costs more than twenty dollars, she breaks out in hives. She’s always been that way.”

“Oh,” I said. Then I added, “But, Dad. It’s not fair!”

“What’s not fair?” he wanted to know.

“Nothing,” I said, lowering my voice. “I’m just pretending like you’re yelling at me.”

“Oh,” he said, sounding impressed. “Good job. Oh, no.”

“Oh, no, what?”

“Your grandmother just walked in.” Dad sounded tense. “She wants to talk to you.”

“About how much I spent?” I was surprised. To Grandmère, the amount I paid today at Bendel’s equals only a small fraction of what she spends every week on hair and beauty treatments alone.

“Uh, not exactly,” Dad said.

And the next thing I knew, Grandmère was breathing into the phone.

“Amelia,” she snapped. “What is this your father tells me about our princess lessons being canceled for the foreseeable future because you have some kind of personal crisis you need to work out?”

“Mother,” I heard Dad yelping in the background. “That isnot what I said!”

I knew exactly what was going on. Dad had been trying to get me out of princess lessons with Grandmère without telling Grandmère WHY I needed to miss princess lessons—in other words, without telling her I’m in therapy. With a cowboy psychologist.

“Quiet, Phillipe,” Grandmère snapped. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” To me, she said, “Amelia, this isn’t like you. Falling apart because of That Boy? Have I taught you NOTHING? A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle! And whatnot. Pull yourself together!”

“Grandmère,” I said wearily. “It’s not—It’s not JUST because of Michael, okay? Things are kind of stressful for me right now. You know I missed a bunch of school this week, I have tons of work to make up, so if it’s okay, I’d really like to take a raincheck on princess lessons until—”

“WHAT ABOUT DOMINA REI?” Grandmère shrieked.

“What about it?” I asked.

“We have to start working on your speech!”

“Grandmère, about that, I just don’t know if I—”

“You are giving this speech, Amelia,” Grandmère barked, “and that’s final. I already told them you would. And I already BRAGGED about it to the Contessa! Now, tomorrow afternoon, you are meeting me at the Genovian Embassy, and together, we shall pore over the royal archives for some kind of material that will hopefully inspire your speech. Is that understood?”

“But, Grandmère—”

“Tomorrow. The embassy. Two o’clock.”

Click!

Well. I guess she told me.

And I guess my dream of spending all day Sunday in bed has been crushed.

Mom just poked her head in here. She seems to have gotten over her rage about my spendaholism. She was chewing her lower lip and going, “Mia, I’m sorry. But I had to do it. Do you realize you spent almost as much as the gross national product of a small developing nation…only you spent it on low-rise jeans?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying to look sorry. Which wasn’t hard, because Iam sorry.

Sorry I never bought jeans like that before. Because I look HOT in them.

Besides, what Mom doesn’t know—Dad either, yet—is that while Lana and Trisha and I were eating, I called Amnesty International and donated the exact amount I spent at Bendel’s, using the emergency black AmEx.

So I don’t even feel guilty. That much.

“I know things are bad right now with Michael, and with you and Lilly,” Mom went on. “And I’m glad you’re trying to make new friends. I’m just not sure Lana Weinberger is the RIGHT friend for you….”

“She’s not that bad, Mom,” I said, thinking of the pony thing. And also the other thing Lana told me over lunch. Which is that her mom told her that if she doesn’t get into an Ivy League college, she’s not going to pay for her to go to college ANYWHERE. Talk about harsh.

“And it’s so unfair,” Lana had said. “Because it’s not like I’m smart, like you are, Mia.”

I’d nearly choked on my wasabi at that one.“Me? Smart?”

“Yeah,” Trisha had added. “AND you’re a princess, which means you’re going to get in everywhere you apply no matter what. Because everyone wants royalty at their school.”

Ouch. Also true.

“Well, Mia,” Mom said, looking dubious—I guess about my remark that Lana Weinberger is not that bad. “I’m happy you’re keeping an open mind and are a little more willing to try new things than you’ve been in the past”—I don’t even know what she could mean by that, unless she’s talking about meat and its by-products—“but remember the Girl Scout rule.”

“You mean that in a good bra, your nipple should fall exactly midway between your shoulder and elbow?”

“Um,” Mom said, looking long-suffering. “No. I meant ‘Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.’”

“Oh,” I said. “Yeah, right. Don’t worry. I’m going to spend the night at Tina’s now. See ya.”

Then I got out of there. And none too soon, either, because I was really afraid she was going to notice my chandelier earrings, which cost as much as Rocky’s stroller.

Saturday, September 18, 9 p.m., Tina Hakim Baba’s bathroom

I’m really glad I agreed to spend the night at Tina’s. Even though I am still pretty much morbidly depressed, Tina’s house is my third favorite place to be (the first being Michael’s arms, of course, and the second being my bed).

So being at Tina’s isn’t at all excruciating, like being at, say, Bendel’s during a lingerie trunk show.

Although I’ve still told Tina nothing of my current emotional state—like, that I feel as if I’m at the bottom of a hole and can’t find my way out, etc.—she has been more than supportive about my fashion transformation, complimenting my earrings, telling me that my butt looks really good in my new jeans, and even asking me if I’d LOST weight…notgained it!

That, of course, is the result of a fantastically supportive—and also a little bit padded, for extra nipple-erection camouflage—well-fitted bra.

The first thing we did (after we ordered two pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and ate them) was change all the clocks so that her siblings thought it was bedtime, then put them to bed, ignoring their plaintive protests that they were not tired. They wept themselves to sleep soon enough.

Then we broke out the DVDs and got to work. Tina has composed the following flowchart so we can keep track of Drew Barrymore’s body of work, which, as Tina insists, is important, because one day Drew will be a star along the lines of a Meryl Streep or Dame Judi Dench, and we’ll want to be able to discourse knowledgeably about her oeuvre.

Drew Barrymore:

The Important Works

Curious George

Tina: I never saw this.

Mia: Whatever, it’s for babies!

0 out of 5 gold Drews

Fever Pitch

Tina: Excellent, classic Drew. Plays well off romantic lead, Jimmy Fallon.

Mia: Too much stuff about baseball.

Tina: Well, that’s kind of the point.

3 out of 5 gold Drews

50 First Dates

Tina: Never quite reaches the comic pitch ofThe Wedding Singer , the last film in which Drew was paired with Adam Sandler.

Mia: Still, funny.

3 out of 5 gold Drews

Duplex

Tina: It pains me that Drew was in this movie.

Mia: I know. It hurts me deep inside. Still, she’s Drew, so…

1 out of 5 gold Drews

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle

Tina: Awesome, butt-kicking Drew!

Mia: Not sure what all the hand-holding with Lucy Liu and Cameron was about during the press junkets for this film.

Tina: Right. Who holds hands with theirgirl friends?

Mia: Except Spencer and Ashley onSouth of Nowhere , of course. But they’re dating.

Tina: Which is totally different.

Mia: Still.

5 out of 5 gold Drews

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Tina: My parents wouldn’t let me see this movie. It was rated R.

Mia: I didn’t WANT to see this movie. It has old people in it. But she’s Drew, so…

1 out of 5 gold Drews

Riding in Cars with Boys

Tina: Did you see this movie?

Mia: No. I never heard of it.

Tina: But it was probably good.

Mia: If Drew was in it, of course.

1 out of 5 gold Drews

Never Been Kissed

Tina: SO AWESOME!!! DREW IS SO CUTE IN THIS!!!

Mia: I know! She’s a reporter AND a high school student!!! She should have to play a high school student in EVERY MOVIE SHE’S IN.

5 out of 5 gold Drews

Home Fries

Tina: I don’t remember this movie except that she had curly hair.

Mia: Wasn’t she pregnant or something? Tina: So the curls definitely weren’t a perm. Because that could hurt the baby.