Anyway, when I got home, I found a message from Michael on the answering machine. It was almost exactly like the one he’d left for me at the hotel, asking me to call.

And when I turned on my computer, there was an e-mail from him, too, saying basically the same thing he’d said in both phone messages: to call him.

No way am I falling for that one. I’m not calling him, just so he can break up with me.

Ooooooo nooooooooo Instant Message!

Let it be Michael.

No, don’t let it be Michael.

Let it be Michael.

No, don’t let it be Michael.

Let it be Michael.

No, don’t let it be Michael.

Let it be Michael.

ILUVROMANCE: Hey! It’s me!

Oh. It’s Tina.

FTLOUIE: Hi, T.

ILUVROMANCE: Just wanted to say thanx again for the GR8 time on Friday nite. It was SO MUCH fun.

FTLOUIE: OK. Thanks.

ILUVROMANCE: Hey, what’s the matter?

FTLOUIE: Nothing.

ILUVROMANCE: SOMETHING is the matter. You haven’t used a single exclamation point yet! What’s wrong? Did you and Michael have The Talk?

Sometimes I think Tina must be psychic.

FTLOUIE: Yes. And Tina, it was AWFUL. He totally shot down the idea of Doing It on prom night, and says he can’t afford the Four Seasons. He was nowhere NEAR as nice as Boris about it. He even said he wasn’t going to wait around for me forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILUVROMANCE: NO! He did NOT say that!!!!

FTLOUIE: He totally did!!! Tina, I don’t know what to do. My world is collapsing around me. It’s like Lana was TOTALLY RIGHT.

ILUVROMANCE: That is not possible, Mia. You must have misunderstood.

FTLOUIE: Believe me, I didn’t. Michael wants to Do It and isn’t going wait around forever for me to make up my mind about it, either. I can’t believe this. All this time, you know, I thought he was the man of my dreams!!!!

ILUVROMANCE: Mia, Michael IS the man of your dreams. But just because you’ve found your one true love doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t going to be fraught with hardship from time to time.

FTLOUIE: It doesn’t?

ILUVROMANCE: Oh, gosh, no! The road to romantic bliss is filled with many potholes and speed bumps. People think that once they’ve found that special someone, everything is smooth sailing. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Good relationships only stay that way through hard work and personal sacrifice on the part of both participants.

FTLOUIE: Then…what should I do?

ILUVROMANCE: Well…I don’t know. How did you leave things?

FTLOUIE: Um, Lars banged on the door and said it was time for me to go home. And I haven’t spoken to Michael since.

ILUVROMANCE: Well, what are you doing sitting there writing to ME? Get on the phone and call Michael right now!!!

FTLOUIE: You really think I should?

ILUVROMANCE: I KNOW you should. Let him know how much you love him and how hard this is for you and how much you’re hurting inside. Then TALK to him, Mia. Remember, communication is the key.

FTLOUIE: Well, if you really think it’ll help, I guess I could—

WOMYNRULE: Hey, Mia. So tomorrow’s the big day. Are you ready?

FTLOUIE: Lilly, where have you been? Your mother was looking for you. You haven’t been messing around with those nuns again, have you? You know Sergeant McLinsky told you to leave them alone.

WOMYNRULE: For your information, little missy, I have spent the entire day working tirelessly on YOUR behalf. You are going to ACE that debate tomorrow, thanks to some info I was just able to independently confirm. Although, one of these days, I WILL bring those nuns down. They are up to no good in there, of THAT I can assure you.

FTLOUIE: Lilly, what are you talking about? What info? And your mother wants you to walk Pavlov.

WOMYNRULE: Already done. Hey, are you and my brother in a fight or something?

FTLOUIE: WHY???? DID HE ASK ABOUT ME????

WOMYNRULE: Well, that answers THAT question. And yes, he did ask if I’d heard from you. But right now I want you to put whatever personal differences you’re having with my brother OUT OF YOUR MIND. I need you to be at your best tomorrow for the BIG DEBATE. Go to bed early tonight—like right now, for instance—and eat a really good breakfast in the morning. AND THINK POSITIVE. There’s an abbreviated fourth period tomorrow, with an assembly in the gym for the debate. Then voting’s right after, at lunch. NO PRESSURE. But if you don’t do well at the debate, everything we’ve done so far—the posters, the networking at the soccer game, all of it—will have been for nothing.

FTLOUIE: NO PRESSURE??? Lilly, I’m under NOTHING BUT pressure!!!! The country over which I will one day rule is being kicked out of the EU. My grandmother made me touch a dead saint’s petrified heart. My boyfriend wants to Do It. My baby brother doesn’t need to be sung to anymore—

WOMYNRULE: My brother wants to WHAT???????

FTLOUIE: OMG. I didn’t mean to admit that.

WOMYNRULE: YOU CAN’T DO IT BEFORE I DO IT!!! I WILL KILL YOU!!!!

FTLOUIE: I AM NOT DOING IT. YET. I meant he WANTS to Do It. Someday.

WOMYNRULE: Oh, God. Then what’s the problem? ALL guys want to Do It, you should know that by now. Just tell him to cool his jets.

FTLOUIE: You can’t tell someone like your brother to cool his jets, Lilly. He is a MANLY man, and has a manly man’s needs. You wouldn’t tell BRAD PITT to cool his jets. No. Because BRAD PITT is a manly man. LIKE YOUR BROTHER.

WOMYNRULE: Okay, only you, Mia, would call my brother a manly man. But whatever. Don’t think about all that tonight. Tonight, just concentrate on getting a good night’s sleep so you can be fresh for the debate tomorrow morning. And don’t worry. You’re gonna knock ’em dead.

FTLOUIE: LILLY!!! WAIT!!! I CAN’T DO IT!!! THE DEBATE, I MEAN!!! YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR ME!!! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT ANYWAY!!!!!!!! I HAVE A FEAR OF PUBLIC SPEAKING!!!! NONE OF THE GREAT WOMEN OF GENOVIA HAVE BEEN GOOD IN FRONT OF CROWDS!!! WE’RE ONLY GOOD AT KILLING MARAUDERS!!! LILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOMYNRULE: terminated

ILUVROMANCE: If it’s any consolation to you, Mia, I think you’ll do great tomorrow.

FTLOUIE: Thanks, Tina. But I have to go now. I think I’m going to be sick.Monday, September 14, 1 a.m.

I cannot do this. I canNOT do this. I am going to make the hugest fool of myself….

Why did I ever say I would do this?Monday, September 14, 3 a.m.

This isn’t fair. Haven’t I endured enough for one person in my lifetime? Why must total humiliation in front of my peers—once again—be added to it?Monday, September 14, 5 a.m.

Why won’t Fat Louie stop sleeping on my head?Monday, September 14, 7 a.m.

I’m going to die now.Monday, September 14, Homeroom

Really, if you think about it, I’m worrying for nothing. I mean, if the world really is going to end in ten to twenty years due to all of the accessible petroleum running out, you have to ask yourself, What’s the big deal?

And what about the ice caps melting? If that happens, New York won’t even exist anymore.

And the supervolcano in Yellowstone? Hello, nuclear WINTER.

And what about the killer algae? If my snails don’t work, the entire Mediterranean coast will be destroyed. It’s really only a matter of time before every seafloor in the entire world is carpeted with Caulerpa taxifolia. Life as we know it will cease, because there will no longer be any seafood…no shrimp scampi or lobster rolls or smoked salmon…since there won’t be any shrimp or lobster or salmon. Or anything else living in the ocean. Except killer algae.

Really, considering all of this, isn’t my debate with Lana just SLIGHTLY insignificant?Monday, September 14, PE

WHY did we have to start our section on volleyball today, of all days? I SUCK at volleyball. All that smacking the ball with the insides of your wrists…it really HURTS! I am totally going to have black-and-blue marks.

And also, I don’t appreciate Mrs. Potts’s little joke of making Lana and me team captains. Because, of course, it totally descended into a game of the Popular versus the Unpopular, with Lana picking Trisha and all of her heinous friends, and me picking Lilly and all of the uncoordinated rejects in the class, on account of, well, I knew LANA wasn’t going to pick them, and I didn’t want them to feel left out, because I KNOW what it’s like to be the last person picked for a team. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world, standing there while the person doing the picking flicks a glance your way, then moves coolly past you, as if you weren’t even THERE!

And, of course, Lana won the coin toss so she got to serve first, and she whacked that ball straight AT ME, I swear. Good thing I ducked, or it might have hit me and left a bruise.

And I don’t care if Mrs. Potts DOES say that’s the point. Hasn’t she heard of all those volleyball-related injuries that occur every year? How would SHE like to have an EYE put out by a BALL?

But then, of course, none of my teammates rushed forward to hit it, because clearly ALL of them knew the volleyball-to-eye-related-injury ratio as well as I did.

Needless to say, we lost every round.

Now Lana is prancing around the locker room in Ramon Riveras’s soccer shorts, talking about what a FABULOUS time they had this weekend after the game. Apparently, she and Ramon went sailing around Manhattan on her dad’s yacht. This is something she won’t be able to do when the ice caps melt, because Manhattan won’t exist anymore since it will be underwater, so I hope she appreciated it. Although I don’t think she did because she said they had a fun time throwing bottle caps overboard and watching the seagulls swoop down to try to eat them, not realizing they were bottle caps and not food.