“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” the blonde asks. Her voice is whiny and I imagine her being one of the ‘screeching banshees’ that Hannah mentioned yesterday.

“Cameron, this is Lacey, Lacey this is my best friend, Cameron.” Noah doesn't even look at her as he introduces us. Douche.

The blonde's face screws into a scowl. “My name is Amber.”

Noah shrugs. “Whatever. I think it’s time for you to leave. I’ll call you.” Liar. He never calls them the next day. He doesn’t believe in recycling.

Amber huffs, and after throwing a few choice words at Noah, she storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her. Classy. He really knows how to pick ‘em.

“Thank the Pope,” Noah groans. “About damn time she left.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Ha! Pot meet kettle.”

I frown at Noah, rubbing my fingers through my hair. “What the fuck crawled up your ass and died?” I ask, responding to his irritation.

“Nothing,” he snaps. For someone who probably spent the morning fucking his brains out, he sure is cranky.

“Does this have anything to do with Hannah?”

Noah looks at me for the first time since I arrived and I can see I’ve hit a nerve.

“Why would you say that?”

I sigh. “C’mon, Noah. I saw how you two had a go at each other yesterday. You guys always fight, but yesterday it was…” I pause, trying to find the right word. “Real.”

“I don’t know, man, she was one her period or something and being a total bitch.”

I give him an are-you-fucking-shitting-me-right-now glare and finally he acquiesces. “Fine. I said some things I shouldn’t have and hurt her feelings, okay? God, why do you have to be so fucking pushy about it?”

“Because Hannah is my friend, too, and yesterday you were a complete prick to her.”

Noah’s face falls and he looks down, fiddling with the drawstring of his pajamas. “Yeah, I know.”

“What did you say to her?”

“She went on a date and I told her she mustn’t sleep with the guy. Then we got into this big ass argument and I ended up calling her a whore. I might have also told her I wished she’d never moved back home and my life was so much better with her living in the dorms on campus.”

I clench my fists, resisting the unfamiliar urge I have to punch my best friend in the balls. “Why would you say that, Noah? We both know if there’s a whore in your family it’s certainly not Hannah.”

He shoots me a dark look and I have no choice but to raise my hands in defeat. “I know, I know. I don’t have room to talk, but you know I’m right.”

“Well fuck, Cameron, we can’t all have what you have, okay?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Noah?” I feel my anger surfacing, and giving rise to the need to just leave. I was having a great morning until I showed up here and came face-to-face with this grouch.

“I mean with Hayley. We can’t all have that.”

Feeling my frown deepen, I stare at Noah, confused. “Uh, it’s called a relationship, and if you gave yourself the chance to find someone decent, there’s nothing stopping you from having one.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

“Okay, you’ve lost me.”

Noah rolls his eyes and throws his arms up in exasperation. “Fuck, Cam, do I need to spell it out for you? I’m talking about love, you idiot. You love Hayley - ” my hand shoots up and I cut him off mid-sentence.

“Noah, I don’t know about that.”

“Please, Cam, stop bullshitting yourself. You’re falling ass over elbow for that girl and her kid so fast you don’t even realize it.”

I’m sure my expression must amuse Noah because loud laughter suddenly bursts from his chest. “Oh man,” he laughs, slapping my back. “You have it bad.”

Before I have the chance to think about his words, we hear the front door open and Hayley and Hannah appear at the entrance to the living room. Their eyes are red and puffy. What the fuck.

“Baby? What’s wrong? Are you girls okay?” I jump up and walk over to them. Noah is at my side in an instant when he sees Hannah’s distress.

“Where’s your phone?” Hayley asks, her voice sounding both rough and soft at the same time. I feel in my pockets. “Shit,” I murmur. “It must be in the truck. Why?”

Hayley looks at Hannah and then back at me. A tear slides down her cheek and I wipe it away as she sniffles. “Tell me what’s going on, Hayley, I’m about to lose my shit over here, baby.”

“Candice called,” she replies, looking down. “She couldn’t get ahold of you so she called me to see if you were with me.”

My stomach drops and the worst feeling of dread settles over me, over us, cloaking us.

“It’s your dad, Cam. He’s…he’s…dead.”

* * *

Nothing.

I feel nothing.

I stare down at my father’s lifeless body and feel… nothing. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? That he’s finally gone to a better place instead of being stuck in a fucking hospital bed? I.don’t.know.what.the.fuck.to.feel.

The coroners place my father's body, which suddenly doesn’t even feel like my father anymore, on a gurney and wheel him out of the make-shift hospital room that has been his ‘home’ for these last two years. They carry him downstairs and outside to where their van is parked and I watch my mother fall to pieces. Brett is holding Candice, Noah is holding Hannah and Hayley has taken it upon herself to comfort my weeping mother because I can’t find it in myself to do it. The van drives away and we all stand in the driveway until it disappears throughout the gates.

I turn around and walk up to my room, shutting the door behind me. As soon as I’m alone, I crack, and for the first time since Hayley told me my father is dead, I feel something.

Guilt.

I killed him.

He’s dead because of me.

I’m a monster.

A murderer.

Everything I have worked hard to make peace with surfaces, making me feel like the nineteen-year-old kid who holds himself responsible for what happened to his father.  I’ve destroyed our family and taken away the love of my mother’s life. I’ve robbed my sister of a father and Jordan and Aubrey of a grandfather. He will never get to see me graduate, he will never see Aubrey and Jordan grow up. He will never get to see me get married and start a family of my own. And he will never be able to tell my mother he loves her, ever again. Of course, he hasn’t been able to do any of those things since the night of the accident, but we all still held out some hope that a miracle would happen, and he would be able to return to us. But he’s gone. And it’s because of me.

I stare at myself in the mirror, and suddenly unable to stand the reflection of my own face, my fist comes up and shatters it. Shards or glass fall and cut into my skin, but I don’t care. I want it to hurt. I want to feel the pain. It’s only a fraction of the pain I have inflicted on those I love the most.

“FUUUUUUUUCK!!!” I yell into the empty room, dropping to my knees. Hot tears streak down my face and I start sobbing, feeding off the hatred I feel towards myself. I slam my bloodied fists onto the tiles, not giving a fuck that it hurts like hell. I deserve it.

I hear my bedroom door open slowly and then shut again, but I don’t look up. The way the hair stand up on my arms and my nape indicates that it’s Hayley. Even when I’m a total fucking mess, my hands covered in blood and my face wet with tears, my body still responds to her presence. But I don’t want her here. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her but I know I’m going to. I always knew breaking her heart was an inevitability, but I had hoped it would be a little while longer before I tore it to pieces.

“Oh my God, Cameron. Are you okay?”

She kneels down next to me and tries to reach for my injured hands but I don’t let her.

“Let me get you cleaned up,” she says. Her eyes are still red, and I hate myself for what I’m about to do to this sweet, incredible girl. But it’s for the best. She’s better off without me.

“No,” I grind through my teeth. My jaw ticks as I try to reign in my anger. “You need to leave, Hayley. Now.”

Her eyebrows dip in confusion and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“LEAVE!” I yell. “JUST FUCKING LEAVE, HAYLEY, I DON’T WANT YOU HERE.”

I choke back a sob because the way she looks at me, all lost and scared, is tearing me to shreds, and I can’t deal with anything more right now.

“Why?” Tears stream down her face and the internal struggle between my heart and my head becomes a full on war. I want to pull her into me, hold her tight and breathe her in until I feel okay. But I also want to push her away and protect her from what I am. God. please, don’t let me destroy her. Please, God, please.

“Because I don’t want you here, Hayley!”

She flinches, her eyes searching my face for only she knows what. “But I love you, Cam.”

Her eyes widen with her admission, like she never meant to say it. Something in my chest tightens. I love you, too, I want to say, but I don’t. Instead I scowl and move away from her. It’s for the best, I remind myself, saying it over and over like a mantra. It’s better to get this over with now than when we are in too deep.

Who the fuck am I kidding? I’m already in too deep.

“Leave, Hayley. Just get the fuck out of here!”

She stands up and backs away, cupping her mouth and clutching her stomach. Her body is shaking, and the tears are unending. God, I’m such a prick.

“You don’t mean that,” she cries.  The anguish in her words comes to me quietly but slices me open and leaves me raw. She doesn’t deserve this, but I do, and watching her walk away from me, is an image I won’t soon forget.