Nicole Edwards - Perception

She took off out of the restaurant and straight to her car. And as soon as she was safely inside, the tears broke free and didn’t stop, even when she walked through her front door.

Xander knew the moment Mercedes excused herself that she was going to bolt from the restaurant and not look back. No, he hadn’t gone after her. He had wanted to, he just hadn’t done it. But that was because he was hoping against hope that she would decide to come back on her own.

When he realized the inevitable had happened, and Mercedes had been gone for fifteen minutes, Xander kindly asked Sam if she would go check on her. A few minutes after that, Sam had returned to inform him that she wasn’t in the restroom but that she did inquire with the hostess, and the woman personally saw Mercedes leave the restaurant a short while ago.

Not surprising.

Without hesitating, Xander had excused himself with a quick apology to Logan and Samantha, who politely waved him off, encouraging him to go after her. On his way out, he left his credit card number with the waiter and headed for his car. The drive home took half the time it should have, but he was a man on a mission.

Once he made it to Mercedes’s front door, he didn’t even bother knocking. Instead, he used the key he had and waltzed right in.

That was when his heart had lurched right into his throat.

Following the sound coming from the back of the condo, Xander slowly made his way, his heart racing as he closed the distance between himself and the woman he loved.

Just as he thought, she was in her bedroom. With one foot inside the room, he came to a halt when he saw her standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows, silhouetted by the bright lights of the city in the distance.

But she wasn’t admiring the view.

She was crying.

Rooted in place by the sight, he tried desperately to find his voice but couldn’t. He cleared his throat in an attempt to dislodge the giant knot of emotion that had formed upon hearing her soft sobs, and to alert her to his presence.

In a move that was very unlike Mercedes, she turned to face him, not bothering to try and wipe the tears he knew were streaming down her face. Although she was in shadow, he could still see her face. She didn’t smile, and she didn’t offer any excuses as to what she was upset about.

He already knew.

He was the reason for the tears and the thought made his gut churn.

Knowing Mercedes, she had spent the better part of the day trying to come to terms with what had happened last night. But, unlike him, she wasn’t coming to the same conclusion Xander had.

No, Mercedes wasn’t thinking that the reason he’d ended their scene so abruptly had anything to do with the fact that he had fallen in love with her. She wasn’t the glass half full type of woman.

He would take the blame for that. It wasn’t like he’d made a full-fledged effort to try and talk to her about it. Quite the opposite. Instead of telling her how he felt last night when they’d come back to his place, Xander had, for lack of a better term, chickened out.

And to make matters worse, Xander had convinced himself that she had needed some time and distance to sort through what she was feeling. So he’d left her alone.

“Why didn’t you say something?” she whispered.

He could barely make out her words, but he heard enough to process the question, but for the life of him, he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to. Surely she wasn’t asking why he hadn’t just come out and told her that he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Not after what had transpired at Devotion.

She must’ve realized he was at a loss because she continued. “Did you not even think to question what happened between us last night?”

Last night?

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the sight of her tears, but Xander wasn’t functioning on all cylinders. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol because he hadn’t had enough to even get buzzed, much less enough to jumble his thoughts.

But seeing Mercedes cry… that was enough to tear him up inside. In all the time he’d known her, never once had he seen her cry.

“I didn’t have a reason to question last night,” he told her now, trying to put two and two together, but still coming up short. Sure, there were other nights he had thought to question, like the first time they made love, or every time after that.

“No? You used your safe word, Xander. You backed out of the scene, but you didn’t ask any questions.”

Xander stared at her. “Me? What about you? Did you think to question me? Did you think to ask why I couldn’t go through with it?”

“I did ask you why!” she countered. “You didn’t answer me.”

She was right. He hadn’t answered her. And for very good reason. The last damn thing he had wanted was to profess his love for her in a glass room at a fetish club. He had more class than that. “I didn’t want to say it then,” he admitted, realizing he was being vague.

“Why? Because I failed?” she asked on a sob. “Because I pushed too hard? I don’t blame you, Xander. I know I failed. I tried to manipulate the scene because I was invested, but I was too attached to see clearly.”

 “That’s not why I used my safe word. I used it because I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want another woman, Mercedes. Don’t you understand that?” Xander moved closer because he couldn’t stand to be so far away from her.

“Stop,” she snapped, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t need your pity, Xander. I know what you think of me. I know you’re trying to find a way to let me down easy, but I’m here to tell you not to bother. Our five days are over. You win.”

“Win?” Xander couldn’t control his outrage. As his heart rate doubled, fear digging its talons deep into his soul, he swallowed, then bit out, “How the fuck do I win if you walk away?”

“You did what you set out to do. You proved that I’m submissive. I don’t hold a candle to you, Xander. I’m not built the way you are. I gave up too easily. So, yes, you were right.”

“I wasn’t out to prove anything,” Xander growled, ignoring her request for him to stay back. He moved until he was practically up against her. He tipped her chin with his finger, forcing her to look up at him. “I wanted to be close to you. You gave me that. So, if you want to think I won, then yes, maybe so. But only because I had you with me.

“You know me, Mercedes. You know how I think. I didn’t just come up with this out of the fucking blue. I found an opportunity, and I exploited it. That’s what I do. I go after what I want. And I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

Mercedes honestly looked shocked by his admission. Xander inhaled deeply, lowered his voice and continued, “And after that first night at Devotion, I knew for a fact that what I felt for you was real. There was – no, there is – something between us, Mercedes. I’m not willing to ignore it any longer. That was the reason for this. Not because I wanted to prove something. I don’t give a damn about any of the rest of it. I care about you.” I love you, he thought to himself. He didn’t say the words because he knew she wouldn’t hear him. She didn’t want to hear him right now, he could see it in her eyes.

“But now you know how easy it was to get me to submit to you,” Mercedes responded, confusion riddling her words.

“Easy?” Xander laughed, but there wasn’t an ounce of humor in it. “Honey, there hasn’t been anything easy about you. Not since the day I met you. And definitely not in the last few days.” Xander gave her a small smile. “You’re one of the most hard-headed women I’ve ever met. You’re strong. Confident. Independent. And you fucking make my blood boil.” Cupping her face with his hand, he leaned in closer. “Last night, you made me burn for you. I was willing to do damn near anything to just be near you. But only you. No one else. Don’t you see that?”

Mercedes stared back at him, tears glistening on her long lashes. “I’m weak.”

“The hell you are,” he argued. “And if you keep this up, I’m going to bend you over my knee, Mercedes. This isn’t who you are.”

“It is. I’m a submissive, Xander. This is exactly who I am.”

“Is that what you think? That submitting to someone means you’re weak?” He knew she did, but he wanted to force her to think it through. “Is it? Do you truly believe that being a Domme gives you all the power? Have you learned absolutely nothing in the last few days?”

Mercedes tried to push away from him, obviously pissed at his accusations. He didn’t let her go.

“Being a Dom doesn’t define me. And being a submissive doesn’t define you.”

“Oh, but it does,” she argued, anger burning bright in her eyes.

“It’s about perception, Mercedes. You see what you want to see. Everyone sees what they want to see. When we were at Devotion, and I had you strapped to that bench, do you think I was in control? No, pet, you were.” Xander wiped away a tear that slid down her cheek, lowering his voice. “You’ve been in control since the moment I met you. Since the very first time I laid eyes on you. It didn’t matter whether you were submitting to me or not.”

“I don’t feel in control. I hate this, Xander. I don’t want to roll over and give up. I spent too many years doing just that.”

“I don’t want you to give up either. I want you to fight. Fight for this. Fight for… us.”

“But you want me to submit to you.”

“Yes, I did. I still do. Because I want you. I want to take care of you, Mercedes. I want to give you what you need. I want to bind you to me, to know that I mean as much to you as you mean to me. But I want so much more than your submission.”