“Did that scoop hit New York?”

She nodded again.

“Jesus. You must have heard about it from Edward.”

“You might say that. But he’ll survive.” She smiled ruefully.

“Will your?”

She nodded as he searched her face.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing unexpected. He was just worried.”

“What a bitch for you to have to go through that on top of everything else.” It was odd the way they were talking, as though they were sitting side by side on the couch.

“Bullshit. Besides, Lucas, we’ve really been lucky till now. It could have happened long before this.”

“Yeah, but we could have gotten press coverage in a lot better circumstances.”

She nodded and smiled, anxious to turn to other subjects. They had so little time.

“Are you all right, darling? Really?”

“Baby, I’m used to this shit I’m A-1 okay.”

“We’re still engaged, you know, Mr. Johns.”

“Mama, I love you.”

“I adore you.” Her whole face glowed as she melted into his eyes.

They discussed legal technicalities, and he gave her a list of calls to make, but basically he had taken care of all his own business before they came out for the hearing. He had known what the chances were, better than she had.

The rest of their visit was spent on banalities, jokes, teasing, sarcastic descriptions of the food, but he looked surprisingly well. The grimness was not unfamiliar to him. He spoke to Alejandro for a few minutes, and then pointed back at Kezia. She removed an earring again and picked up the phone as Luke looked over his shoulder toward a voice she couldn’t hear.

“I think this is going to be it. Visiting is about over.”

“Oh.” A dim light flickered in her eyes. “Luke …”

“Listen, babe, I want you to do something for me. I want you to go back to New York tonight I already fold Alejandro.”

“Lucas, why?”

“What are you going to do here? Hang out till I get to Q, and then wait three weeks till I get clearance for visits, and see me once a week for an hour? Don’t be an ass, babe. I want you at home.” Besides, it was safer. Even though now, she wasn’t really in danger. Now that he was on ice, all the factions warring against him would be appeased. Kezia was of no real interest. Still, he didn’t want to take chances with her.

“Go to New York, and then what Luke?”

“Do what you do, Mama. Write, work, live. You’re not in here, I am. Don’t forget that.”

“Lucas, you … darling, I love you. I want to stay here in San Francisco.”

She was fierce, but he was more so. “You’re going. I’m leaving for Quentin on Friday. And I’ll put the forms in for you to visit. When they get processed, you can come back. Figure about three weeks. I’ll let you know when.”

“Can I write to you?”

“Does a bear shit in the woods?” He grinned at her.

“Lucas!” The tenseness broke into laughter. “You must be all right.”

“I am. So you be fine too. And tell that idiot friend of mine that he’d better take care of you or he’ll be one dead Mexican when I get out.”

“How charming. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.”

And then it was suddenly over. A guard called something on Luke’s side of the glass wall, and another guard told them they’d had it on the visitors’ side. She felt Alejandro’s hand on her arm, and Lucas stood up.

“That’s it, Mama. I’ll write.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The entire world seemed to stop with those words. It was as though he placed them one by one in her heart via his eyes. He said them, and held her close with a look, and then gently he put down the phone. Her eyes never left him as he walked back through the door, and this time he looked back, with a jaunty grin and a wave. She answered with a wave and her most valiant smile. And then he was gone.

The guard who had stood behind them now took them aside and showed them the way to the separate elevator. A cab had been called and was already waiting in the garage. There were no reporters in sight. In a moment, they were in the cab and speeding from the building and Luke. They were alone again, Alejandro and Kezia, and now she had nothing to look forward to. The visit was over. And his words rang in her ears, as his image filled her mind’s eye. She wanted to be alone just then, with the dreams of the recent and distant past. The still new aquamarine sparkled on her trembling hand as she lit a cigarette and fought for control.

“He wants us to go back to New York.” She spoke to Alejandro without looking at him and her voice sounded hoarse.

“I know.” He had expected a fight. It surprised him to hear her say it so bluntly. “Are you up to the trip?” It would be best if she was, to just get the hell out and let her pick up the pieces at home, and not at the Ritz.

“I’m fine. I think there’s a plane at four. Let’s catch it.”

“We’ll have to run like the devil.” He looked at his watch, and she discreetly blew her nose.

“I think we can make it.” Her voice kept him a thousand miles away, and it was the last time they spoke until they boarded the plane.


Chapter 29


The voice on the phone had grown familiar and dear.

“I’m hungry. Any chance that you’ll feed me?” It was Alejandro. They had been back in New York for a week. A week of constant calls from him, unexpected visits, small bunches of flowers, problems he supposedly needed her help to resolve, ruses and excuses and tenderness.

“I suppose I might drum up some tuna surprise.”

“That’s what they eat on Park Avenue? Shit, I eat better uptown. But the company’s not as good there. Besides, I’ve got a problem.”

“Another one? Bullshit. Honest, love, I’m okay. You don’t have to come down here again.”

“What if I want to?”

“Then I shall rejoice at the pleasure of seeing you.” She smiled into the phone.

“So formal. And serving tuna surprise yet. Any news from Luke?”

“Yep. Two great big fat letters. And a visiting form for me to fill out. Hallelujah! Fifteen more days and then I can visit.”

“Keep your shirt on. Did he say anything else? Or just a lot of corny shit I don’t want to hear?”

“Lots of that. And he also said he was in a four-by-nine cell with another guy. Sounds cozy, doesn’t it?”

“Very. Any other good news?” He didn’t like the sound of her voice when she told him. Bitterness had begun to replace grief.

“Nothing much otherwise. He said to send you his love.”

“I owe him a letter. I’ll do it this week. And what did you do today? Write anything sexy?”

She laughed at the thought. “Yeah, I wrote a very sexy book review for the Washington Post.”

“Fantastic. You can read it to me when I get there.”

He arrived two hours later, with a small plant and a bag of hot chestnuts.

“How are things at the center? Mmm … yummy … have another one.” She was shelling the hot nuts in her lap in front of the fire.

“The center’s not bad. It’s been worse.” But not much. He didn’t want to tell her that now. The way things were going, he’d be gone in a month, maybe two. But she’d had enough of her own changes recently, without having to listen to his.

“So what’s this alleged problem you want to discuss with me?”

“Problem? Oh! That problem!”

“Liar … but you’re a sweet liar. And a good friend.”

“All right. I’ll confess. I just wanted an excuse to see you.” He hung his head like a kid.

“Flattery, dear Alejandro … I adore it” She grinned up at him and tossed him another chestnut. He watched her as she leaned her back against a chair, warming her feet by the fire. There was a smile on her lips. But the spark had gone dead in her eyes. Daily, she was looking worse. She had lost a lot of weight, she was deathly pale, and her hands still shook almost constantly. Not a lot, but enough. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all.

“How long has it been since you’ve been out, Kezia?”

“Out of what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, asshole. You know what I mean. Out of this house. Outdoors. In the fresh air.” He eyed her directly, but she avoided his gaze.

“Oh that. Actually, not for a while.”

“How long is a while? Three days? A week?”

“I don’t know, a couple of days, I guess. Mainly, I’ve been worried about being swarmed by the press.”

“Bullshit. You told me three days ago that they didn’t call anymore, and they haven’t been hanging around the building. The story is dead, Kezia, and you know it So what’s keeping you home?”

“Lethargy. Fatigue. Fear.”

“Fear of what?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Look, babe, a lot of things have changed for you, and very brutally and suddenly at that. But you have to get back to doing something with yourself. Go out, see people, get some air. Hell, go shopping if that’s what turns you on, but don’t lock yourself up in here. You’re beginning to turn green.”

“How terribly chic.” But she had gotton the point.

“Want to go for a walk now?”

She didn’t, but she knew that she ought to. “Okay.”

They wandered toward the park in silence, holding hands, and she kept her eyes down. They were almost at the zoo before she spoke.

“Alejandro, what am I going to do?”

“About what?” He knew, but he wanted to hear it from her.

“My life.”

“Give yourself time to adjust. Then figure it out. It’s still much too fresh. In a sense, you’re in shock.”

“That’s what it feels like. Like I’m wandering around in a daze. I forget to eat, I forget if the mail has come, I can’t remember what day of the week it is. I start to work, and then my mind wanders and I look up and it’s two hours later and I haven’t finished the sentence I was typing. It’s crazy. I feel like one of those little old ladies who burrow into their houses, and someone has to keep reminding them to put the other stocking on, and to finish their soup.”