Tara Sivec - Passion and Ponies

“Whatever. My dick still went into a hole that has been previously denied me. I don’t care how much of it went in, it still went in. And she baked me cupcakes as a thank you.”

Gavin shakes his head at me. “You mean the cupcakes that called you a Piss Drinker and a Turtle Fucker? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t her saying thank you. That was her saying that none of her holes will be welcoming you inside anytime soon.”

I wave my hand at him. “Mere technicalities.”

The door to the break room opens and Gavin’s dad, Carter, walks in with Ava’s dad, Jim. Liz and Claire have to conduct a huge production meeting every Friday, so their husbands always stop by to pick them up and take them to dinner afterwards.

“Your mom said you boys might be in here. She and Liz have a few things to finish up before they’re ready to go. How was work?” Carter asks as he pulls out a chair and takes a seat next to Gavin while Jim does the same next to me.

I’ve always liked Carter and Jim, even though Jim scares me sometimes. He’s a quiet man, but I have a feeling if he knew the things I’ve done to his daughter, he’d chop off my balls and make me eat them. Gavin is a really great guy, treats Charlotte like a queen and he still punched Gavin in the face when he found out Gavin was in love with Charlotte. If he finds out his daughter has had intimate knowledge of my penis and I’ve secretly snuck in her bedroom on a few occasions, he will straight up murder my ass.

“Work was good. We were just talking about anal sex, care to add to the discussion?” Gavin tells them with a laugh.

I shoot him the middle finger and give him the stink eye. Jesus Christ, this is not something that should be discussed with Ava’s dad two feet away from me. He’s within punching distance.

“If you asking about anal sex has anything to do with my daughter, I think you should know that I’m perfectly fine with spending my life in prison,” Jim warns him.

I gulp nervously and slide my chair a few inches away from Jim. The closer I am to the door, the easier it will be for me to run the fuck out of here if he finds out about me and Ava.

“Remember the words you’re supposed to say to me whenever we’re in the same room together?” Jim continues.

Gavin nods his head and speaks in a monotone voice like he’s reading from a cue card. “Charlotte and I are waiting until marriage and we have separate bedrooms. We only kiss on Sundays after church and a thorough reading of the Bible.”

Jim smiles in satisfaction and relaxes in his chair.

“Well, I myself don’t care for anal that much, but Claire is pretty gung-ho about the whole thing,” Carter admits, bringing the conversation back around.

“Oh, Jesus Christ, I didn’t think this thing through. Stop it, stop it right now,” Gavin tells him, covering his ears with his hands and cringing.

I can’t help but laugh. He asked for it, thinking he could out me in front of Ava’s dad. Now he has to deal with the image of his mom and dad having butt sex. Serves him right.

“If you have enough lube and porn on the television, anything is possible,” Jim adds.

“I find that olive oil works much better,” Carter explains, placing his elbows on the table and leaning forward.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LA-LA-LA, I’M NOT LISTENING!” Gavin screams with his hands still over his ears.

The men ignore him and since I’ve got a couple of experts at my disposal, I, too, lean forward and suck in all of their knowledge like a sponge.

“Tell me about this olive oil thing you speak of,” I say to Carter.

“Well, olive oil is a natural lubricant, it’s good for your skin and it’s always handy. However, you can’t use it with condoms because it will break down the rubber and make them less effective,” Carter explains.

Noticing a notepad and pen in the middle of the table, I grab both of them and slide them towards me. This is too good not to take notes. I start scribbling furiously as Carter and Jim go back and forth.

“Also, lots of alcohol. Liz is always more adventurous after a bottle of wine. We prefer Anal Eaze. It has a numbing agent that works wonders,” Jim mentions, grabbing the pen out of my hand and adding that to my list of notes.

“No, no, no. You can’t use that shit,” Carter interrupts. “If she’s numb, she has no idea if your tiny penis is hurting her. She has to feel what’s going on so she can tell you to stop.”

“LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN. LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN, MY FAIR LADY!” Gavin screams.

Everyone ignores him.

“Tiny penis, ha! Even after twenty some odd years together, Liz still walks funny after we have sex,” Jim admits.

“That’s because you’re doing it wrong and probably fucked her thigh instead of her vagina,” Carter laughs.

“What about you guys? Has either of you ever taken it up the ass?” I ask.

They stop their verbal sparring and stare at me like I’m insane. I don’t see what the big deal is; it’s a good question.

“I mean honestly, how can you know if what you’re doing is any good if you don’t experience it yourself?” I ask.

“Tyler, are you gay?” Carter asks.

“No! I’m not gay, I’m just saying. A little equal opportunity goes a long way when you’re trying to get your woman to give you something she wouldn’t normally. I am man enough to admit that I stuck a little something up my ass, and it wasn’t so bad.”

Jim stares down in horror at the pen in his hand that he took from me and then suddenly chucks it across the room. He jumps up from his seat and races over to the sink, dumping half the bottle of liquid soap into his hands before scrubbing them furiously.

I roll my eyes at him. “I didn’t stick that pen up my ass, don’t worry. You do know that we carry a very nice line of butt plugs here at Seduction and Snacks, right?”

Gavin lowers his hands from his ears. “Dude, seriously? Are we talking Pinky Pleasure or Butt Tower? Because there is a huge difference between those sizes.”

“Bigger than a Q-Tip and smaller than a bread basket,” I tell him with a smile.

“Huh. You might be on to something,” Carter says, with a thoughtful expression on his face. “What aisle are butt plugs on again?”

Gavin screams, throwing his hands up over his ears.

“Wait a minute, are you asking all of these questions out of general curiosity or are you sleeping with someone?” Jim asks, drying his hands on a paper towel.

Don’t look suspicious, don’t look suspicious.

“Oh, you know, just keeping my options open. Hey, is that Liz? Hi, Liz!” I shout, looking through the glass doors next to Jim and waving at no one.

Jim doesn’t turn around; he just narrows his eyes at me.

“I swear to all that is holy, if I find out this has anything to do with Ava, I will shove my fist up your ass,” he threatens.

“Whoa, slow down there, Jim. I’m only on butt plugs. I’m not quite ready for fisting yet.”

Carter leans closer to Jim. “I’ve got a better idea. How about we just unleash Cougar Claire on him as punishment?”

Jim gives me a sinister look and I feel a bead of sweat run down my back. Having a crush on Claire since college and always shooting perverted innuendos her way did not end well for me a few months ago. It’s one thing to have a Mrs. Robinson fantasy about your best friend’s mom in your spank bank, but it’s something straight out of a fucking horror movie when she decides to act on it.

The sweet nothings she whispered in my ear quickly turned to threats about making me part of the next Human Centipede movie if I didn’t cut that shit out. Now, whenever she walks in the room, I have PTSD flashbacks of that day in her house when she made me clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and then had me hand wash her period panties with the garden hose out back to teach me a lesson about flirting with older women.

Lesson learned.

Before Jim can threaten me any more, my phone rings. Reaching into the pocket of my jeans, I pull it out and check the display, swallowing nervously when I see it’s the sperm bank calling me back.

Gavin notices the look on my face and slowly lowers his hands from his ears as I answer the call.

“Uh-huh. Yep. Sure. Okey dokey, thanks.”

Ending the call, I set my phone on the table in front of me and stare at it.

“They found out who my dad is and he wants to meet me tomorrow at noon,” I whisper.

Suddenly, getting fisted by Ava’s dad sounds a whole lot more appealing.

- Ava -

“I want this blog to look really professional and, since you handle all of the media and design stuff for the Seduction and Snacks website, I thought you might be able to help me out.”

Sliding my laptop across the table towards Aunt Jenny, I wait nervously as she scrolls through a couple of my posts.

Out of everyone, I figure Aunt Jenny would be the most supportive of my idea. She thinks everything is a good idea, even if she doesn’t understand it most of the time.

“I don’t get it. Is this going to be a porn site? You’ve got a bunch of pictures of your clothes all over your bed. Is that a Hermès scarf? Oh, please don’t tell me you want to have sex on a Hermès,” Aunt Jenny groans.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to explain this to her again. “No, Aunt Jenny, this is not a porn site. I’m giving people fashion tips and stuff like that.”

Uncle Drew walks into the dining room a few minutes later while Aunt Jenny is still staring in confusion at my webpage.

“Hey, baby, do these jeans make my butt look big?” he asks, turning around and sticking his ass out.