I showed up at his and Charlotte’s apartment twenty minutes ago and have been in the bathroom the entire time trying to calm the fuck down.

“Not the end of the world? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? I don’t know who I am! I don’t know where I came from. I’VE LOST MY IDENTITY!” I scream, shutting off the water and reaching blindly for a towel.

My hand brushes up against one and I quickly bring it to my face, wiping off the water that drips down my lips and chin.

“Oh shit, I wouldn’t use that towel if I were you,” Gavin mumbles.

I ignore him, scrubbing every inch of my face, hoping that maybe I can rub away the memory of the words my mother spoke to me.


“Tyler, your father isn’t really your father. I, um… I don’t actually know who your real dad is,” my mom admitted. “I really wanted a baby and I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I went to a sperm bank. Also, when I say I wasn’t seeing anyone, I mean I wasn’t serious with anyone. I was still having lots of sex.”

“Son, what your mother is trying to say is that she was sexually adventurous in her twenties,” my dad added with a smile.

“If we’re going to be honest with him, we might as well do it right,” my mom cut in. “Tyler, I was a slut. Like, a really big one. I was young, though, and that’s what you’re supposed to do – sow your wild oats. I also went through a short lesbian phase, but that’s beside the point.”

I sank down into one of the chairs at the kitchen tabled and stared at them. “How in the hell did this happen?”

“Well, I picked out the sperm I wanted and then the doctor had me get on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Then he took a thing that looked like a turkey baster and shoved it up my-”

“NO! JESUS CHRIST, NO! Not that part! How the hell don’t you know who my father is if you used a sperm bank? Don’t they keep a record of that shit?” I asked in confusion.

“Well, normally that would be helpful, but I also had a foursome that same week. I’m pretty sure one of them was a woman I met in the food court of the mall, but the other two guys – no clue. I always made my partners bag it up, but something must have leaked because I found a little jizz in my-”

“MOM!” I screamed at her, shaking my head in disgust.

“Sorry, sweetie. Since sperm can live in a woman’s vagina for up to five days, I can’t be certain if it was donor sperm or…” my mom trailed off before glancing over at my dad with love in her eyes.

“Anyway, I met your father when you were a couple of months old and he adopted you. Sort of. We actually never filed the paperwork, but we made a very convincing copy of a birth certificate for you in Photoshop.”

My dad walks over to me and pats me on the back. “I think the best thing for us to do right now would be to sit down and talk about what we’re feeling. I’ll start. I’m feeling relieved that this is all finally out in the open.”

“I’m feeling like I want to puke all over this fucking floor!” I shouted.

My mom walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “That’s it. Let it all out, sweetie.”


“Seriously dude, give me that thing,” Gavin says, interrupting my thoughts.

I pull the towel away and glare at his reflection in the mirror. He’s standing behind me with a look of disgust on his face and his hand out.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? I just found out that my mom was a slut and has no idea who my dad is and all you’re worried about is your precious towel?” I ramble, my voice getting that hysterical squeak to it. “What’s wrong? Is this one of Charlotte’s ‘good’ towels, reserved for guests or some shit? Fuck, are you pussy whipped.”

Gavin shakes his head at me and tries reaching over my shoulder to take the towel. I snatch it away and turn to face him.

“What is your fucking deal? It’s a Goddamn towel!” I yell.

“Yeah, it’s a jizz towel, dude.”

I look at him in confusion, glancing down at the towel and back up at him when what he said finally sinks in. He’s biting his lip and I can’t tell if he’s trying not to laugh or if he’s trying to think of a way to run out of here as fast as he can.

“Hey, what are you guys doing in the bathroom?” Charlotte asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway. “Oh, my God! Did you just use that towel, Tyler?”

I quickly throw the towel away from me like it’s on fire and it lands in the toilet.

“Dammit, don’t throw it in the toilet, you’ll ruin it!” Charlotte scolds.

“I’m pretty sure you ruined it by putting jizz on it!” I scream. “Why the fuck would you leave a jizz towel on the sink where anyone could use it?”

Charlotte shoulders past us and uses the tips of her fingers to pull the towel out of the toilet and then tosses it into the sink.

“I’d never use it. I knew it was a jizz towel,” Gavin replies with a shrug.

“Oh, my God! I scrubbed my fucking face with a towel that had your dry, crusty jizz on it!”

I can’t believe this is happening right now. My mom had a foursome, my dad isn’t my dad and now I have jizz face. Moving as fast as I can, I jump into the shower and turn on the water, not even caring that I’m fully clothed.

“Do you want us to leave so you can take your clothes off?” Charlotte asks, as the water rains down on me, soaking my t-shirt and jeans.

“I am NOT taking my clothes off. There could be trace particles of jizz on them! I’m going to have to burn these clothes!” I complain.

I keep my face under the scalding hot water, taking in large mouthfuls, swishing and then spitting on the shower floor.

“Eeeew, don’t spit in our shower!” Charlotte scolds.

“I HAVE GAVIN’S JIZZ ON MY FACE! I WILL SPIT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT!”

Gavin grabs Charlotte’s arm and pulls her towards the door. “How about we just give you a few minutes alone? We’ll be out in the living room. There are clean towels under the sink.”

I give him a dirty look when he mentions towels.

“Any and all jizz that was previously on those towels has been washed off, I swear,” Gavin adds before exiting the room and closing the door behind him.

With a sigh, I stand under the water until it starts to get cold.

Chapter 5 – Dick Nipples

- Ava - 

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this. I don’t want to see him,” I complain, flopping down on the couch.

“Stop being a bitch to him for two seconds. Tyler is having a really bad day and he could really use some support.”

I bristle a little when she calls me out for being a bitch to Tyler. I mean, I know I can generally be a difficult person and I know that sometimes I’m not very nice to Tyler, but I don’t think I’m a bitch when it comes to him, am I? He gives as good as he gets, so it never feels like I’m truly being horrible to him. Now that I think about what’s going on his life, I actually feel bad for him.

Charlotte called me earlier and told me that Tyler showed up at her and Gavin’s house having a meltdown because he found out his dad wasn’t really his dad. I feel sorry for him, really I do. I just know that if I’m anywhere near him, I’m going to want to have sex with him. It’s like a sickness. I think I need a Tyler Twelve Step Program. Or shock therapy.

“Fine. What’s the plan? And where is he anyway?” I ask.

“He sort of jumped into the shower fully clothed. Gavin is getting him some dry clothes to put on. We don’t really have a plan other than getting him drunk to cheer him up. I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but maybe you could throw him a bone. Give him a little action. That would make him really happy,” Charlotte suggests.

“I’m sorry, but did I just enter the fucking Twilight Zone? You can’t stand Tyler! You’ve been telling me for months that I need to stay away from him,” I remind her.

“I know, I know. It’s just…I’ve never seen him like this. I feel awful for him. I know I told you I’d help you find a new guy, but maybe we should hold off on that for right now. Tyler really likes you and it might push him over the edge. I already called and cancelled your blind date for tonight.”

Great. Now that my sister is on Team Tyler, I’m never going to be able to quit him.

With a sigh, I get up from the couch and head into the kitchen. I start opening cupboards and pulling out bottles of liquor, lining them up on the counter. If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it right. Maybe if I get Tyler drunk enough, he’ll act like an idiot and I won’t be tempted to rip his clothes off.



“I don’t think I understand the game of this object. The game of this game. Fuck! I don’t think I should have any more vodka,” Charlotte slurs.