So obviously, she doesn’t know that I know about her parents. It’s possible that Michael was wrong, and Lilly herself doesn’t even know about them. Not really.

Unless she’s actually as fine an actress as she thinks she is.

Which means I can’t tell her why I look like crap. I mean, Lilly would only SLIGHTLY kill me for knowing her parents are splitting up before SHE even knows her parents are splitting up. Besides, Michael asked me to keep it to myself.

I guess I could tell her that I think Michael and I are breaking up on account of my sexy dance with J.P.

But isn’t that just a little more than she should have to deal with right now? I mean, if she DOES know about her parents? Is it really fair for me to expect her to cope with their breakup AS WELL AS mine? If that’s even what’s going on with Michael and me?

No. No, it is not.

So instead of telling her the truth, I just went, “I don’t know. I think I’m getting a cold.”

“Bummer,” Lilly said. And then she told me how she’d gotten almost twenty of her ’zines completely collated and stapled. Only nine hundred and eighty to go. Because, of course, Lilly thinks every single person in the entire school is going to buy one.

I didn’t bother to contradict her. For one thing, I feel totally empty inside, so it’s not like I even care.

And for another, she was totally mean to me when I asked her, AGAIN, to pull “No More Corn!” She was like, “Where would we be today if Woodward and Bernstein had asked the Post to pull their story on Watergate? Huh? Where would we be?”

But breaking the Watergate scandal is COMPLETELY different than “No More Corn!” One thing was going to bring down a presidency. The other is going to hurt someone’s feelings. Which is more important?

Whatever. Lilly was just like, “Your piece is the COVER STORY. It’s right there, under Fat Louie’s Pink Butthole. ‘A short story by AEHS’s own princess, Mia Thermopolis.’ I can’t PULL it, not without having to redo the COVER, not to mention the table of contents. I’d have to redesign the cover, then print it, then photocopy a thousand pages ALL OVER AGAIN. I’m NOT doing it. I’m just NOT.”

I told her I’d help her with the photocopying. But she just shook her head.

I can’t believe she’s willing to hurt a friend just because she’s too lazy to stand at the Xerox machine a little longer. And after all the things I’ve done for her, too. Like protecting her fragile mental state from the truth about her parents, and possibly Michael and me.

Sheesh.

Tuesday, March 9, Homeroom

I still can’t believe it. I mean, it’s like Wilma and Fred Flintstone splitting. Or Homer and Marge Simpson. Or Lana Weinberger and Josh Richter.

Well, except I wasn’t bummed when THEY split up.

COUPLES YOU WOULD BE

TOTALLY BUMMED TO FIND OUT

WERE BREAKING UP:

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos

Scooby Doo and Shaggy

Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels

Bruce Springsteen and Patti Scialfa

Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon

Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman

Will and Jada Pinkett Smith

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

Hermione and Ron

Jay-Z and Beyoncé

Téa Leoni and David Duchovny

Sandy and Kirsten Cohen

Tina Hakim Baba and Boris Pelkowski

My mom and Mr. G

I can’t believe the Moscovitzes are breaking up. I mean, they’re JUNGIAN PSYCHIATRISTS. If they can’t make a relationship work, what hope do the rest of us have?


From the desk of

Her Royal Highness

Princess Amelia Mignonette

Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo

Dear Dr. Carl Jung,

Well, I get it now. I totally get it.

It took me a while. I’ll admit it. But the truth has finally sunk in.

It’s funny how all this time, I thought transcendence would make me happy. You know, that through finally knowing my true self, I’d gain total happiness at last. Boy, did you have me fooled. You must be laughing your butt off up there in heaven or wherever you are. Because you knew, all along, didn’t you? You knew the truth.

And that’s that there is no Jungian tree of self-actualization. There is no transcendence of the ego. The Drs. Moscovitz splitting up just proves this.

The truth is, you’re all alone.

And then you die.

Don’t worry. I get it now.

This is the last letter I’ll be writing to you. Good-bye forever.

Your former friend,

Mia Thermopolis

Tuesday, March 9, U.S. Economics

Marginal utility = the additional satisfaction, or amount of utility, gained from each extra unit of consumption. Marginal utility decreases with each additional increase in the consumption of a good.

In other words, the less you have of something, the more you want it.

A phenomenon with which I am all too familiar.

Tuesday, March 9, English

Mia, are you okay? You look as if you might be coming down with something.

Oh, I’m great, Tina. Just great.

Oh?

Okay, I’m lying. Michael is upset about my sexy dance with J.P. But he’s MORE upset about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Something I can’t tell you. But he’s barely speaking to me. I already sent him a “Sorry” cookie. I don’t know what else to do.

Maybe you shouldn’t do anything else. Boys aren’t like girls, you know, Mia. They don’t like to talk about their feelings. Probably the best thing you can do is just leave Michael alone. Whatever it is, he’ll come around after he’s worked through it. Like Boris and his Bartók.

Do you think so? It’s so hard to just sit here and do nothing! And who doesn’t want to TALK about their feelings????

I know. But that is just how boys are.. They are like freaks of nature.

What are you two talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Oh, right. Nothing, again. Whatever. Look. Lunch. Help me collate?

Of course.

NO!!!! J.P. WILL SEE THE STORY ABOUT HIM!!!! He sits with us at lunch now!

Yeah, what is up with that, anyway? Is this, like, a permanent thing, or just until-the-show-is-over thing?

I think it’s a someone-has-a-crush-on-Mia thing.

WHAT????

You think?

HE DOES NOT!!!!

I don’t know, Mia. The ere is the sexy-dance thing. And I see him staring at you a lot when you’re not looking.

Um, how do you know it’s not ME he’s staring at, Tina?

Um…we ell, it COULD be you he’s staring at, Lilly. But I really thought—

Do you WANT him to be staring at you, Lilly?

I DIDN’T SAY THAT. I just asked how Tina can be so sure it’s NOT me. I mean, you and I sit together a lot. It could be ME, not Mia, he has a crush on.

Oh my God. You like J.P.

I DO NOT!!!!!!

Yes, you do. You totally do.

OH MY GOD, COULD YOU BE MORE IMMATURE??? I AM NOT TAKING PART IN THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE.

Oh my God. She totally likes him.

I know! Could she be more obvious about it?

It’s so surprising. J.P. doesn’t seem like her type.

Because he’s good-looking, English-speaking, and comes from a wealthy family?

Right. But he IS the creative type. And tall. And a very good dancer.

Wow. So I don’t get it. If she likes him,

why is she running that story of mine, that’s only going to hurt his feelings?

I don’t know. I love Lilly, but I can’t really say I understand her.

Yeah. You could say that about ALL of the Moscovitzes.

Oh, Mia. What are you going to do about Michael?

Do? Nothing. I mean, what CAN I do?

Wow. You’re taking this current estrangement so well. I mean, apart from the fact that you look like you’re about to throw up.

I AM throwing up, Tina. On the inside.

Tuesday, March 9, Lunch

Today at lunch J.P. was like, “Are you all right, Mia?”

And I was like, “Yeah. Why?”

And he was like, “Because your color’s off.”

And I was like, “My COLOR? What are you talking about?”

And he was like, “I don’t know. You just don’t look right.”

This does not sound like the kind of thing someone with a hidden burning passion for me would say.

So Tina must be wrong. It really must be Lilly J.P. likes after all.

That would be cool if they started going out. Because then it would give Lilly something to be happy about, you know, after she finds out the truth about her parents. And Michael and me.

Plus maybe then Lilly would have less time to try to psychoanalyze me at the lunch table, like she’s started doing right now.

Lilly:

What’s wrong, POG? Why haven’t you finished your Devil Dog?

Me:

Because I’m not in the mood for a Devil Dog.

Lilly:

When have you ever not been in the mood for a Devil Dog?

Me:

Since today, okay?

Rest of the table:

Ooooooo.

Me:

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.