J. Huss - PANIC

“Okaaaaay. I’m ready for dinner.”

The waiters arrive and begin placing silver domed plates in front of us. Ronin stands just as they finish and taps his glass with a spoon. “A toast for Rook.” He pulls me to my feet and when I look around I get a little embarrassed with all the attention. Every face has turned to me. “Rook.” Ronin brings my attention back to him. “Four months ago you literally appeared on my doorstep. And the minute I saw you, I knew—” My heart flutters for a second and I have to take a deep breath because I’m not sure what he’s gonna say. “I knew”—his voice softens as he looks me in the eyes—“that you were something special.”

The whole terrace erupts into a collective, “Awwwww.”

“And this party is just a way for all of us”—his arms spread out towards all the tables—“to show you how much we care.” And then he leans down and kisses me, whispering “I love you,” as he pulls back. “Cheers!”

Everyone cheers as Ronin and I take our seats and then Spencer cries out, “Let’s eat!”

I lift the silver dome off my plate and bust out laughing. “Ronin Flynn, you are a sneak.”

But he’s my sneak, and I love him for it. Because on my plate is the most delicious-looking cheeseburger I’ve ever seen, nestled on top of a giant mound of French fries. 

“What are you laughing about?” Ronin asks later as his hands slip around my waist and slide down to rub my stomach.

I’m standing over by my old garden apartment looking down at the people on the street. It’s Friday night, so it’s really busy. I turn to face him and casually drape my arms over his shoulders. “You know me pretty well, Larue. I thought for sure dinner would be something funky and French.”

He chuckles. “It was either salads with chicken on them or hamburgers. And guess who made the final decision?”

“Um, the pregnant lady over there stuffing her face with strawberry shortcake?”

“That’d be the one.”

We both watch Elise chew and chat with Josie at the same time. Antoine is also watching her from across the terrace and you can just tell he’s dying to say something to her about talking with her mouth full. He hates that. But his hand scrubs his scratchy chin for a moment and he thinks better of it. Wise man.

“I’m falling hard for you, Rook. I hope you know that.”

I look up at this incredible man and I have no words for what I feel. I’m not falling for Ronin, I’m laid out flat on my face. He is the perfect man. He’s put up with so much from me. He’s stood by me when I insisted on making mistakes, and planned an entire con job so that Jon would get his karmic payback. He deserves so much more than the indecision and distance I’ve given him over the past few months.

“I told you a while back that I’d like to belong to you, Ronin. Someday.”

His hand cups my face and his thumb traces the curve of my chin.

“I think someday has come and gone because I think I’ve always belonged to you. From the very first moment we met in the stairwell, I wanted you. And even though it took me a while to understand my feelings, I guess I’m better late than never.”

He laughs and pulls me into a hug. “I’ll take late, Gidget. I’ll take late.”

Clare and Ford walk past us and then enter the garden apartment. It just occurs to me that the lights have been in inside there the entire night. “What’s with those two?” I ask Ronin.

“Exit interviews for the pilot. Ford figured he’d have all of us together tonight, so why not do interviews. Two birds kinda thing.”

“Oh.” No one told me about any exit interview, but shit. No one tells me anything unless I ask. Maybe I should start asking? “But why Clare, then? She wasn’t in the show.”

“Well, technically she was. Since you were the female star and I’m your boyfriend. And I kept leaving you to go see her.”

“Wait, so all that’s gonna be in the show?” Oh, fuck. That sucks. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Most of my angst came from jealousy of Clare. I just didn’t think she’d be quizzed on it at the end. “Did you get interviewed yet?”

“Ford said I’m last. He needs your reactions first or some shit like that.”

“He’s setting us up. We should refuse to do them, Ronin. I’m not gonna do it. My contract is over, isn’t it?”

He squeezes me tight. “Did you get paid yet?”

“You know I didn’t.”

“Then it’s not over, Gidge. Ford likes you, he won’t set you up. Just answer his questions. Lie if you want. No one cares. It’s a stupid reality show.”

But that’s not true. Ford would set me up. Ronin never knew the extent of our conversations while he was busy with Clare last summer. Ford never came out and said he wanted to date me, but he did hint around to wanting something from me. I’m not really sure what, especially after this morning’s conversation about his girlfriends. Not to mention the collared pet he brought with him to my party.

Ronin and I wander back into the crowd and chat casually with people, me leaning into his chest and his arms wrapped around me. He talks with Spencer and Veronica and I nod my head pretending to pay attention, but I’m focused on the garden apartment. The curtains are sheer, but I can’t see any movement in there. He must be interviewing her in the other room.

Clare comes out and Ford calls for Spencer. Veronica claps for this and then looks over in my direction after Spencer walks off. “I get to be interviewed too, Rook! Because I saved your life and took a bullet for you!”

“Cool!” I say, but I’m still thinking about my private conversations with Ford. What if he brings them up on camera? What will I say? I didn’t do anything wrong, I never cheated or anything. But Ronin might see my omission of facts as lying. We circulate around the terrace, talking to different people. I watch Veronica go in after Spencer. Then Antoine, then Elise. Ronin still seems so unconcerned, but by the time Ford dismisses Elise and looks over in my direction, my nerves are shot.

I look up at Ronin but both he and Spencer are laughing hysterically about something. I look back at Ford.

He beckons me with a finger.

Fuck.

I break away from Ronin and he pats my ass and says, “Have fun, Gidge.” 

I walk slowly over towards my old apartment and give myself a little pep talk. He’s not gonna trap you, Rook. He’s not interested like that, he said so this morning. He sees us as friends only.

“Ready?” Ford asks as I approach.

“How come you didn’t tell me about the interview this morning?”

He waves me inside and then closes the door behind us. “Yes, I should’ve said, ‘I’ll see you tonight at your surprise party where I will conduct your exit interview.’ Besides, my payoff in this friendship is getting to watch you react to me honestly.”

I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds very personal. Almost sexual. I look back at him for a moment and catch him smiling as I enter the bedroom. He’s got two plush red chairs set up across from each other and two tripods with cameras. One facing each chair.

“Are you on camera, too?”

“For this interview I am.”

My heart pounds in my chest. “Why?”

“Sit, Rook, and relax.”

I take a seat and he follows, leaning forward in his chair as I lean back. He rests his elbows on his knees and steeples his fingers under his chin.

And waits.

“What?” I ask. “What are you doing, Ford? Don’t get weird with me, please.” I look nervously up at the camera.

“It’s not on yet, Rook.”

“Well, turn it on and let’s go.”

“I’m making you nervous?”

“You know you are. Why didn’t you tell me about this? What are you gonna tell Ronin? I thought we were friends.”

“There’s nothing to tell Ronin. What could I possibly tell him that he doesn’t already know?”

“Know? He knows you told me you were trying to make me not need him? So you could, I dunno, swoop in and claim me as your pet, like that woman out there with the collar? Did you tell him that?”

“Do you want to be my pet?” he asks seriously.

“No!” I scoff. “No! I’m not in the least bit interested in becoming your fucking sex slave!”

He goes silent again, watching me as the grin creeps up his face.

I shudder. “I’m counting to five and then I’m leaving. One—”

He stands and moves toward me, his leg brushing against my dress as he reaches behind me to flip the camera on. The heat of his touch makes me dizzy for a moment. He steps back and then turns on the camera behind him before taking his seat. “Did you enjoy being Spencer’s canvas, Rook?”

“Yes,” I say truthfully.

Ford leans back and retrieves a clipboard on the small table next to him. “What did you enjoy about it? Oh, and talk in complete sentences, so the audience understands the question without having to hear me ask it.”

“Well, I had a good time working with Spencer. It was a little weird at first because I had to model with him, and that was… confusing because I was just starting to date Ronin. But once that part was over and Ronin was my partner, everything went real well.”

“Why did Ronin make it better?”

I squint my eyes at him but hold my tongue. I refuse to let him bait me on camera. I refuse to allow him to get ratings because I’m uncomfortable. In fact, I think it’s my turn to make him uncomfortable. “Everything was better with Ronin because he knows my body. He’s got a very personal relationship with it. So having him touch me and position me and kiss me for the photo shoots was easy. It felt good and I didn’t have to worry about making him jealous.”