J. Huss - PANIC

She pushes past me and stops at our apartment door. “Like you can stop me?”

“So you’re walking out over this lie? This one stupid, meaningless lie?”

“First of all, it’s not meaningless. Maybe it’s not Earth-shattering, but it’s not meaningless. Because relationships are all about trust and now I’m having doubts.”

“Welcome to my world.”

She snorts. “Welcome to your world? So you’re having doubts about me? Then just break it off if I’m not the girl you want. I’m clearly not what you’re into, Ronin. I mean what the fuck was all this baby shit today?”

“This was about Elise, not us.”

“No? You know I’m not ready to think about this shit and you don’t even care! You have no idea how fucking confusing it is to be around Elise right now. To watch all you guys get excited over this baby and have to feel… nothing. I can’t feel anything, OK? And all you guys are gushing about cribs and stupid outfits and baby bedding, for fuck’s sake!”

Well, that’s not what I was expecting. “So this isn’t about the photoshoot I did with Clare last week?”

She sighs. “Yes, of course it is!”

“I’m officially confused.”

“Forget it, OK? I’m not gonna throw a temper tantrum and start a huge fight over it, so just forget it. You just do your thing and don’t worry about me and I’ll do the same. How’s that?”

She reaches over to punch the code in the door and I grab her wrist and pull it away. “Hold on,” I say calmly and wait for her to look me in the eye. “I’m not even worth an argument? Really? You just want to get as far away from me as you can right now so you can avoid… what? Dealing?”

She laughs. “Oh, I’m not dramatic enough? Is that it? You want me to fight with you?”

“No,” I say gently as I lower her hand and bring it to my waist, forcing her to touch me. “I want you to fight for us, Rook. You never want to fight for us, you just want to walk away whenever it gets hard. And dammit, this is not hard, Rook. This life we’re living right now is fucking paradise. So how will you act when the shit gets out of control? Will you just leave me when I need you most? Because I’d never leave you. I hope you know that, Rook. I’d never walk out. I’d fight for you every single time. You’d never even have to wonder if I’d be there because I’d show the fuck up before that thought could ever cross your mind. I want you, I’d risk everything for you. I already told you I’d wait. Whatever it takes, however long it takes. I’m still gonna be here. I do want babies, I do want you as my wife, but I can live with a promise.”

She swallows and looks down. I take her other hand and press it against my waist so she has to turn and face me.

“What I can’t live with is you sabotaging our relationship every time you feel uncomfortable. Eventually, you’re gonna have to fucking figure this shit out. Because the thought of you walking out on me just tears me up.”

And then I take her purse off her shoulder and drop it on the floor so I can slip my arms around her and pull her close. “I’m sorry about the Clare shit. I’m sorry that I lied earlier. I just didn’t want to talk about it right then, that’s all. I was stalling for time. Of course I was gonna tell you, but it’s sort of a long story and I didn’t want to tell it right then.”

She leans her head into me and I play with her hair a little as I talk. “Stop with the Clare jealousy, OK? I know she’s irritating, I realize she’s probably baiting you to piss you off, but I’m not interested in her. At all. She’s living in a fantasy and I’ll set her straight tonight and let you watch if you want. Because I have no problem fighting for us. None.”

Rook stays silent for a few seconds and relaxes against me a little more. I sigh as she begins to speak softly. “I was pissed about the Clare thing because she knew I didn’t know and it makes me feel so stupid. I felt so foolish that she knew you were keeping a secret from me. And I’m not a very confrontational person so my first reaction is always to run away. I know that. I get it. I’m just not sure how much I can do about it. When I get scared, I run. And so much about you—about us—scares me. It makes me want to just give up so I don’t have to deal with it.”

I tilt her chin up gently so she looks me in the eye. She fights it for a second, then relents when she realizes I’m not gonna let her get away with it. “I really don’t need much, babe. Just make me feel that I’m worth something. That you’ll take a risk on us, like you said on the phone the night I dropped you off at Spencer’s. I just want to know that when things start to look hopeless you’ll still be willing to show up and give it your best, ya know? At the very least, be willing to put in an appearance. I mean, I’d love it if you just stuck to me no matter what for everything, but seriously, I’d settle for a half-hearted try right now.”

She pushes her head into my chest. “So you want me to be your Shrek?”

I can’t help it, I bellow out a laugh. “What?”

“You know? When Shrek is rescuing Fiona—”

“Does it always come back to a movie with you?”

“—and he chains up that bitchy dragon named Clare—”

“You are too much…”

“—and breaks Fiona out of the tower. You want me to be Shrek and fight for you, get you out of that stupid tower, fine. I’ll work on it.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m Shrek and you’re Fiona, Rook. I let you make me be Larue, but I draw the line at Fiona.”

“Whatever.”

I cup her face in my hands and plant a little kiss on her lips. “I love the fuck out of you, ya know that, right?”

“Now all we need is a donkey to get Clare pregnant so she’ll stop braying at us. I vote for Billy.”

Oh, God. I just want to squeeze her, that’s how cute she is. Just squeeze her until she admits she’ll never leave me. Because even if she doubts herself, I have total faith in this girl. I know she loves me. I know she’ll stick. Ford was wrong, she’s not gonna check out, she’s in—I can feel the truth just as well as I can tell a lie. She loves me, regardless of the nightmare past that still seems to be haunting her. I lean in and kiss her again, whispering into her little Gidget mouth. “I’m sorry I lied to you and did a shoot with Clare without telling you first.”

She looks up at me now, pausing to smile. “I’m sorry I threatened to run away and I’ll make an effort to fight with you more.”

I chuckle again. She’s adorable. Everything about her squeals perfect. “I would like to marry you, stick you in a kitchen and get you all barefoot and pregnant. But I’ll wait. I’m not in a hurry, I’m enjoying every second we spend together. I’m really not trying to pressure you with the baby talk.”

Her sigh is actually a long low moan that comes off mournful. “I think you are, but it’s OK. I’ll learn to deal.”

“Hey,” I say softly as I tip her chin up. “You don’t need to learn to deal with me, Rook. You got something inside that head of yours you need to get out? What’s going on with the baby stuff?”

She pulls back and turns away. Not a good sign.

“I just…” She looks at me over her shoulder and then lifts her eyes to meet mine. “I’m not ready yet, OK? I told you some of what happened that last time Jon went off on me, how he found the birth control and why I felt I needed it. But there’s more to it.” She takes a long breath, holds it, and then lets it out slowly. “But I’m not ready to think about it yet.”

Her chest expands suddenly and I know she’s about to cry. I reach out and turn her around as I pull her into me. “Hey, it’s OK. You don’t have to talk about it.” She shakes a little as she sobs and all I can do is hold her tight. “Shhh,” I murmur next to her ear as she tries to stop. And then I stop trying to quiet her because there’s something I’ve noticed about Rook over the past few months. She hardly ever cries over her past. She cries when she’s frustrated about things between us and she cried pretty hard that day she found out about the missing person’s report, but really, she should maybe cry a little more. She holds things in until it boils over.

So I just hug her tight and kiss her head and try to say something soft and soothing. “Don’t panic, Gidget. Be still and stay calm. We’ll be OK, I promise. Just keep calm and it will all work out.”

And she spends the next few minutes with her face buried in my jacket letting it out in her own way.

Ford said she’s got more secrets, but I figured that was about her relationship with Jon. I think this is something else, because this baby stuff is sorta coming out of nowhere and she’s not making much sense. Just the few things she’s told me about what that sick fuck did to her are enough, but I’m getting the feeling that as horrific as those incidents were, it’s nothing compared to the secrets she’s got buried inside her. 

Ronin wanted to drive me back up to Fort Collins but I told him no. I need the alone time to be honest. I found out Elise was pregnant almost two months ago, so why now? I don’t get it. The miscarriage is ancient history and still, I can barely even think about it without wanting to break down and cry.

I never had any counseling for that. Not even when I was living in the homeless shelter before I met Ronin. I gave the shelter people a fake name every night I stayed there, but I had to tell them about Jon just in case he came looking for me so they sorta forced that ‘talking it out’ shit on me. I was really paranoid for the first few weeks but Jon never showed up. And I figured if he did go looking for me he probably went to Vegas first because on paper, that’s where I went. My bus ticket said Vegas. In the movies people get on a bus to Hollywood so they can make all their dreams come true, but it would’ve cost me another two hundred bucks to take that bus to LA and Vegas was on special when I bought my ticket.