J. Huss - PANIC

“Are you gonna try and make a move on me? I thought we were friends?”

“I thought you said you trusted me to do what’s right for you?”

“Yeah, as a friend, I do! But that was before—” I’m not sure what the hell that was back there so I don’t even have a word ready to describe it. Ford doesn’t offer any help, in fact I can sorta see him smirking out of the corner of my eye. “I think you just came on to me.”

He laughs, then stops and stands in front of me, forcing me to look at him. “Believe me, Rook,” he says with a serious expression. “If I was coming on to you, you’d have no trouble recognizing it.” He turns and continues walking.

“So I should just—what? Ignore that exchange back there?”

“Just keep up in training, Rook. And you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

I stop and throw up my hands. “OK, I’m done then. I’m out.” I turn around and start walking down the stairs.

He follows and when he gets alongside me he jumps down several steps and cuts me off. He starts walking back up, which makes me almost fall, but he grabs my arm and then lets go when I’m steady again. “So that’s it?”

“What’s it?” I ask, annoyed.

“That’s your boundary? I can push you to run past your current endurance level just fine. You adjust and work harder without one complaint even though I doubled our running time and had you gasping for breath on four occasions. But when I push emotionally, you shut down and run away immediately. You know, I’m the guy who supposedly has no emotions, I’m the one who’s supposed to be incapable of feeling. I’m the one who doesn’t give a fuck about people. But you, Miss Corvus, are really giving me a run for my money. You want to play as long as you’re in control, right? You stare at my chest then freely admit you’re checking me out to compare to Spencer. So I might ask you the same question. What are you doing with me?”

“You said we were friends. I was joking about Spencer.”

“You spend time with me why, Rook? Because I’m your friend? Or because you like this game we’re playing? You say you love Ronin but you argue and rebel against all his good advice, yet you do almost everything I ask whenever I dangle the smallest carrot in front of your face. Why?”

“I just want you to be my friend.”

“That’s not an answer to my question. Answer the question.”

I get flustered for a second and don’t have anything to say. “Why do I like you? Is this what you’re asking? You need me to stroke your ego a bit, Ford?”

He laughs. “Hardly, Rook. I just want the truth from you.”

“I just need a friend. I want you to be my friend.”

“I am your friend.”

“But that back there was not what friends do, Ford. It did confuse me. I already have a boyfriend. We’re in love.”

“Yeah, a boyfriend who’s desperate for me to figure out what the fuck is going on inside that messed-up head of yours because he’s terrified you’ll walk out on him if he asks you himself.”

“What? You assholes are talking about me? He’s asking you for advice and you make a move on me?” I shake my head and start walking off again, but this time Ford grabs my wrist.

“Stop!” he commands.

I stop.

And then I realize what he just did and attempt to yank myself free. But each time I struggle he pulls me closer until I’m pressed against his chest, fighting off tears. He leans down again and whispers in my ear. “I was wrong about you, Rook.”

I swallow and look up at him, meeting his gaze.

“You’re not inexperienced, are you?”

My heart is ready to jack itself right out of my chest and I try my hardest to break free, but he holds me tight and close.

“You’re not inexperienced, you’re submissive. You just spent the last few years unconditionally following orders, didn’t you?”

“You have no idea—”

He grips my wrist hard enough to cut off my words and make me cry out. “I’m the guy who brought a pet to your birthday party, Rook. Don’t fucking tell me I have no idea.”

I turn off. That’s all I have left, I just turn off. I stop struggling as my eyes glaze over. I concentrate on a point out on the sidelines where a cheerleader is doing tumbling moves. A few of her friends join her and—

“Look at me.”

“Fuck you.”

He lets go of my wrist and I lower my head and count the seconds to see what he’s up to. When I get to ten and he has nothing to say, I jump down the stairs and head for the parking lot.

My face is hot and it takes all my willpower to prevent the tears from coming out with the anger and frustration. Ford is weird. I need to stop this. Ronin was right, he’s got emotional issues. Or lack of emotion issues, I’m not quite sure. Either way, I think I’m done with Ford. I reach the Bronco and yank on the door handle to get in and realize it’s locked.

Of course it’s locked, you idiot. Your eight-thousand-dollar camera is in there.

I lean against the door and watch Ford walk towards me across the parking lot. When he reaches me he says nothing, just pushes his key into the lock and then opens the door.

I climb in as he goes around to his side and does the same.

He sinks back into his seat and I turn my head and watch the various groups of people bustling around the stadium.

“You ran.”

I shake my head. “I’m done here and I’d like for you to start the fucking truck and drop me off at Spencer’s.”

He lets out a sigh. “Too far, then?”

I look over at him now. His face is expressionless, just passive, like this isn’t some monumentally fucked-up moment in time for me. “So you’re fucking with me? Is that it, Ford? Your job here is to rip apart my brain and do what? Use me up and spit me out like the rest of your pets? Am I a pet to you? Your project? You know what’s fucking funny? You say Ronin’s the one with the hero complex, but from what I can tell, that’s you, Ford. Ronin doesn’t fuck with me like this, he just accepts me for what I am.”

He laughs. “Is that right? Do you have any idea what Ronin does in our little partnership?”

“I do not give one fancy fuck about Ronin’s part in what you guys do together.”

Ford looks away and sighs. “I’m sorry, then, OK?” He looks back over at me and waits a few seconds to see if I’ll respond. But I keep silent. “I didn’t realize it would affect you like that, OK? I’m sorry.”

I continue to stare out the window. “Whatever. You know exactly what you were doing, so save it. Just take me home.”

“Rook, I swear, it was a little harmless flirt, that’s all. I didn’t realize you’d get all…” He stops. “Well, I don’t really understand what happened, actually. Do you like me? Like that?”

Oh, my God. I am so completely fucking humiliated. “Just take me home.”

I catch him scrubbing his hand down his face from the corner of my eye, like I’m frustrating him. “OK, I’ll start then. How’s that? Because I really didn’t mean to have this conversation with you, like ever. But since I’ve unleashed it—maybe unconsciously, maybe not—I’ll just say it.”

Holy fucking shit, he’s gonna go there.

“I want you. I have it pretty bad, in fact. I knew the fucking moment I saw you come into Antoine’s office that day we went out to dinner. I went out of my way to make sure you were sitting next to me. And you, you… you just… there was just something about you that drew me in. I had no idea what it was. At least back then.” He stops and swallows and then looks over at me and stares hard, straight in my eyes. “But I do now. I know what it is that draws us together and I think you do too.”

“I’m not talking about this.”

He ignores me and continues. “I’d never make you cheat on Ronin, Rook. I’m not like that at all.”

“Take me home.”

“But you’d make my year if you admitted to me that you feel this too.”

“Oh. My. God! Shut the fuck up and take me home!” I shout it and I expect some reaction to this lapse in emotional control, but a laugh isn’t quite it. “Why are you laughing?”

“You do like me, don’t you? Enough to leave Ronin? Not that I’m asking,” he adds hurriedly. “I’m not asking you to do that, OK. I’m just—”

“You’re just playing with me, right? You think you’ve guessed something about my past and that gives you the right to mess with me? Play concerned friend, take me running and then flirt and make me uncomfortable. Get me to spill my guts and then stomp all over my feelings and rub it all in. That’s what you’re doing, right?”

“Rub all what in, Rook?” he asks, confused.

“The fact that you could dangle that teeny-tiny carrot in front of me and I’d jump.”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course I like you. Why else would I spend so much fucking time with you?”

“Do you want me?”

I take a second to think this through because this question is much harder to answer.

“Do you, Rook?”

“No, Ford. I don’t.” I look over at him and let my defenses drop a little. “You have this power over me, you make that rotten carrot look like spun sugar. And I’ve been there already. I know it’s an illusion. I’m not looking for that kind of relationship again, OK? But…” I’m not sure I want to say the rest, so I stop and chew on my nail as I watch the people in the parking lot.

Ford stays silent for a while, but there’s no way I’m getting out of this now, so when he pushes I’m not surprised. “But what? Just tell me, Rook. If you want me to keep it from Ronin, I will. I won’t tell him any of this.”

I continue my silence, my mind racing with what Ford is asking me to admit. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that, in fact, I might never be ready to do that. But I need to tell him something. I swallow down my fear and turn to look at him. “If you were to ask me to leave with you. To just walk away from all of it. The show, Ronin, school… all of it.”