J. Huss - PANIC

He guffaws this time and I can practically picture his gorgeous smile lighting up his electric blue eyes. “I can’t fucking wait until Friday.”

I giggle a little as I picture our Friday. “I might just ditch class early, Mr. Flynn.”

“And that will earn you two spankings, Miss Corvus.”

“Promises, promises.”

After Ronin and I hang up I read the text over and over again. A letter. It’s sorta old-fashioned and sweet. I look over at the camera and the idea that started this morning with saying goodbye to my latest journey through life with a wrap-up of Chaput Studios gives me another one. I set up the camera on the small kitchen table, sit down in front of it, and turn it on. I take a deep breath and begin to talk.

“Dear Rook at age fifteen. Your life is not over. Wade Minix was not your one. I wish you’d stop crying and being depressed and just make yourself get over it, because I’m Rook at age twenty and I know better. I know that your one is waiting for you five years in the future and his name is not Wade. I wish I could warn you to stay far, far away from that diner where you meet Jon. I wish I could warn you that moving out to that house with him in the country will be the biggest mistake of your life.”

I take a deep breath and then continue.

“I wish I could tell you what to watch out for, when to say no, when to walk out, and when to never look back. But I can’t. Because you need to do all those things without my help. You need to learn all those lessons. You need to experience all that fear and pain and desperation. You need to see all that stuff. Because at the end of all those bad things, there is a sweet and gentle man named Ronin Flynn.”

The tears start to flow down my face as I allow myself to feel a small fraction of the emotions I’ve bottled up in the name of survival since I left Chicago.

I get up and turn the camera off and take another deep breath.

I’m ready.

I’m ready to accept what happened and let it go. I’m not quite sure how I’m gonna do that and I’m not quite sure what will happen when I confront the past and take a good hard look at all those memories. I just know that I’m tired of pretending that girl is not me. Ronin deserves a girl who is whole. He’s done so much for me that I owe him this. I owe him a whole girl who can accept his protection and love without constantly being afraid she’ll make the same mistake twice. 

After Rook and I hang up I lie on the couch and halfheartedly watch The Last Samurai as I think about making love to her this morning. She’s definitely getting more adventurous, but I still feel the need to be careful with her.

A knock brings me out of the daydream and I jump up and jog over to the door. It can only be one of three people. Clare, Elise, or Antoine. That’s one thing about living in a secure building. No unexpected visitors.

The door lock clicks as I open it and Clare is smiling at me from the other side of the threshold. “Hey, what’s up, little chick?” She’s wearing some pink shorts and a white tank top, looking totally cute.

“Can I come in?”

I throw the door open wide. “Mi casa and all that shit, right?”

She laughs. “Right.” She eyes my outfit now. I’m only wearing a pair of baggy black sweatpants cut off mid-thigh and her gaze lingers on my bare chest a little too long. I clear my throat and wave her over to the couch. She takes a seat in the middle so I plop down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. “You came to hang out and watch movies? Or you have something on your mind?”

She looks up at me with those blue eyes of hers and I can’t help but smile. “I just needed to say it in person, that’s all. When I’m not high, or crying, or a total mess in all the other ways in which I’m normally a total fucking mess.”

I squeeze her a little. “Say what?”

“Thank you. I really mean it, Ronin. I know you put up with a lot from me last summer. I was a total pain in your ass and I probably made your life more difficult than it needed to be. So I’m sorry for that.”

“Hey,” I say, taking her chin and lifting it up so she has to look at me. “You’re family, right? I love you. You’re part of me now and I’m not gonna let you give up. I never understood what that drug was to people, but I know now. After watching you struggle and go through all that pain, I know. But you’re a fighter, Clare. And I have an idea about what you’re feeling, so just put those doubts out of your head. You’re gonna make it. You’re over the worst and now it’s just maintaining, right?”

She swallows hard and leans back against my chest. I automatically sit back into the couch cushions and pull her in next to me.

“You’re a good guy, Ronin. I totally messed up when I blew it with you back in high school.”

“Yeah, well. Bygones, OK? Don’t dwell on my silly high-school crush. I’m happy with how things shook out. You’ll find the right guy, Clare. You’re fucking beautiful, and smart, and French.”

She laughs and then turns her head up to look at me. “But—maybe, if things don’t work out with you and Rook, you might give me another chance?”

I laugh a little. “Well, I hate to disappoint you because I’m gonna marry Rook. But I promise, if things go bad, I’ll call you first, OK?”

Her fingertip traces along my lower arm and sends a chill through my whole body. “I miss you.”

I push her off and get up because this is not gonna happen. “I’m tired, OK? I gotta get some sleep so Roger and I can get everything ready for the test shoots on Monday. Maybe you can help us choose the girls, eh? You have a good eye for that, right?”

Clare drags herself up from the couch and walks off slowly, not turning back until the front door is open and she’s about to walk through. “Everyone can see she’s a mess, Ronin. She’s not gonna stick around.”

Clare pulls the door closed behind her before I can object so I just stand there, holding my breath as I internalize those words. Ford pretty much said the same thing. She’s checking out, Ronin. That’s what he said. And even though Clare knows nothing about Rook, she’s right. Rook is a mess. She’s looking pretty good on the outside, but the stuff she’s covering up on the inside is another matter. I grab my phone off the coffee table and press Spencer.

“Yeeeello.”

“Yello? Dude, you sound like a fucking eighty-year-old grandpa.”

“And your point is? Grandpas are cool, everyone loves a grandpa.”

“Pfft, obviously you’ve never been to the Chaput family compound in France.”

“I hear that papi of yours is a real killer.”

“Yeah, like literally. He ran over the baker last month with his fucking bicycle. There were baguettes everywhere, made the guy sprain his ankle. He’s lucky he’s not in jail.”

Spencer laughs. “OK, well, what the fuck do you want? I got nothing to tell you, really, Rook seems fine. We had dinner, she did the dishes because I cooked and you know Ford, he’s not about to lower himself to do domestic work. Then they came out to the shop and filmed me with her new camera, trying to bait me into saying something stupid so they could edit it down and embarrass me. She’s OK.”

I let out a long breath. “I dunno, Ford said—”

“Why the fuck, Ronin—after all these years, after all the bullshit between the two of you—why the hell are you even wasting one fucking second on what that asshole has to say about your fucking girlfriend? I mean seriously.”

“Because he’s been noticing some really fucked-up signs, Spencer. Stuff that only he would see, stuff that makes me sick to even think about.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Yeah, oh. And I have to say, now that he’s put it out there, I can sorta see it too. I think she needs real help, Spence. She pretends like none of those years with Jon Walsh ever happened. Or actually, maybe she’s not pretending. Maybe she’s legitimately blocked it out and she can’t remember? And Ford said she’s gonna leave. He doesn’t think she’ll stick around.”

More silence.

“Spence?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Just thinking is all. God, I fucking hope he’s wrong. Do you think he’s wrong? It was just your run-of-the-mill abusive relationship, right? I can’t even think about that other shit.”

“I want to believe he’s wrong too, I really do. But I don’t think he is. I mean, Ford knows. And they are very close right now. He spends a lot of time with her. She trusts him. They might, in fact, be BFFs or something.”

It’s Spencer’s turn to let out a long breath. “Well, maybe she needs a new best friend? I’ll call Veronica and see if she’ll invite Rook to hang out. Plus, she’s got that coupon for a free—”

“Spencer, do not tat up my girl, OK? I like her the way she is.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll call up Ronnie and see if she’ll take her shopping or something. Rook needs girlfriends anyway. It’s not good for her to hang out with so many guys.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“I’ll keep my eye on her. I think Ford’s gonna—oh, hold on, here he is—”

There’s some shuffling sounds as the phone is passed to Ford, then some muffled talking.

“How can I help you, Ronin?”

“I’m not sure. I’m just worried about her.”

“She seems fine for now. She was in a good mood tonight. She’s in bed. I’ll wake her up early to run stadiums in town, and she’s got the party tomorrow night, and schoolwork. Her days will be full. She might just settle down and be fine.”

“Or she might not.”

“Right, well, we’ll have to wait and see. I’ll do my best to see if I can persuade her to seek help, but it’s touchy. She won’t put up with a lot of pushing from me. She walks away angry.”