Nice.

Stupid!

I looked awesome, so awesome even I could say I looked awesome.

It was still stupid.

The bell rang again and there was a knock following it but I couldn’t move. I just stood there, staring at myself in the mirror, wondering what the hell I was doing.

I heard the door open and I knew Tyra had used her key.

“Tabby, honey, are you here?” I heard her call, and I tried to get my feet to move but I just stood, frozen in front of the mirror. “Tab, you here?” she yelled.

She was closer, moving into my bedroom, I could tell.

My feet finally moved, taking me out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

There she was, thick, lush, shining auburn hair and lots of it, great figure even after two kids, Tyra Allen, my friend, my saving grace years ago.

My stepmom.

The instant her green eyes hit me, they got wide and a smile spread on her gorgeous face.

“Wow, honey, you look great.”

See? I looked great.

I was still stupid.

I knew what she saw. For months, I went through the motions of life but I put no effort into it. I got up and went to work, came home, and tried to sleep. I hung with the family and pretended everything was fine but they knew it was all a show.

Especially Dad.

Kane Allen, known as Tack to everyone but Dad to me, was far from dumb, which was cool most of the time but wasn’t when I was trying to pull the wool, something which I never, not in my life, succeeded in doing with my Dad.

“I messed up,” I declared and watched Tyra blink.

“Pardon?” she asked.

“I messed up,” I repeated.

“How did you mess up?” she asked.

“I slept with Shy.”

She didn’t blink then. Her eyes got so wide I thought they’d bug out of her head.

She rallied quickly, stuck her hand in her back pocket and pulled out her phone. She jabbed it with her finger and put it to her ear.

“Tack, honey, go on without us,” she said into her phone. “Tabby and I’ll take her car and meet you there later.” She paused, then, “I don’t know yet, but she and I have to talk, and when we get things sorted out, we’ll meet you at Chaos.” Pause, then, “Handsome, I told you, I don’t know yet, but I’ll find out and we’ll sort it out, then we’ll meet you there.” Another pause with an eye roll, then, softer, “I got this, you know I do. We’ll meet you at the roast soon.”

Dad was worried, I could tell. This was not a surprise. He was the kind of dad who loved you so much he hurt when you hurt, and when you lost something precious he lost it right with you.

On that thought, I saw what I saw a lot when Tyra was talking to Dad.

Even though she dipped her chin and turned her head so I got her profile, I still saw Tyra’s face get soft before she said quietly, “Yeah. Will do. Love you.”

Then I saw something else I saw a lot when Tyra was talking to Dad: her face got softer and I knew Dad was telling her he loved her too.

Tyra was the bomb, so I was glad she had that from Dad and I was even more glad that she gave it to him.

She stabbed the screen on her phone, shoved it into her pocket and focused on me.

Then she asked, “You slept with Shy?”

I nodded but clarified, “Six weeks ago, but we slept-slept, not did the business slept.” Her brows went up so I further explained, “See, I was in a situation, he got me out of that situation, I asked him to get me drunk, he did, we played pool, we talked, we ended up in his bed, I sang him a song from Les Mis, then I passed out and woke up in his arms.”

Her head tipped to the side and her eyes grew sharp, and they did this about the time I stated I was in a situation.

As I said, my dad was far from dumb. Being really not dumb, for some reason I didn’t get, he married my mom, who was a lot closer to dumb than anyone I knew. However, being not dumb, Dad got shot of her and didn’t make the same mistake twice. Therefore, Tyra was also far from dumb, which also worked in my favor most of the time.

Sometimes, it did not.

I knew this was one of those times when she queried, “You were in a situation?”

I licked my lip and she watched.

Then she moved to the bed while motioning to it with her hand. “Right, talk to me.”

She sat on the bed, and I sat with her and commenced laying it out.

“Okay, well, what I’m going to say isn’t gonna make you happy but here it is. Six weeks ago I was out with Natalie.”

She bit her lip, her face went blank, and I got this.

Natalie Harbinger had been my best friend since forever. I went to college to be a nurse. Natalie went to the same college as me, but she went to party. She put a lot of effort in and therefore excelled at this endeavor to the point she got kicked out of college. She continued to do this and there was nothing wrong with that, except the longer she did it the iffier became the element she did it with.

People at our age started to grow up and get themselves sorted. If they didn’t, their lives started spiraling down a path that would mean they never got sorted.

Natalie didn’t grow up and get herself sorted.

I got this. Natalie’s mom was arguably a bigger bitch than mine. The problem was, Natalie didn’t have a dad who gave a crap and a stepmom who was the bomb. I understood doing stuff to get attention, even if it was bad attention, but for me that crap was over years ago. She just didn’t seem to be able to pull herself out of it.

Thus Tyra was not a big fan of Natalie’s, and even Dad, who was the president of a motorcycle club and essentially had a life motto of ‘live and let live,’ had issues with her. The short of the long of it was, they didn’t like me hanging with her.

Furthermore, Jason had hated her. Unfortunately, Natalie returned the favor. This put me in the middle, which was not a fun place to be. Jason was the kind of guy who pretty much laid it out if the situation warranted it, and he hated Natalie enough to lay it out. Natalie also wasn’t the kind of person to keep things buried, so she didn’t hesitate to share. This was not comfortable for me, but I was the kind of person who was growing up and getting my life sorted. I was also falling in love so, naturally, rather than making a choice (as such), I started spending less time with her and more time with Jason.

She took the time I could give her without too much bellyaching, and I worked at keeping our friendship close even as it changed with the different paths our lives were taking.

But when Jason died, she’d totally stepped up. She was there for me. She didn’t breathe a word against Jason and kept her other crap separate. It was all about taking my back.

Six weeks ago, I needed her to take my back a different way.

I was tired of no sleep. I was tired of the constant reminders that Jason wasn’t there and never again would be. I was tired of the empty feeling in my stomach that would hollow out further when some memory hit me or a wedding card from someone who hadn’t heard about Jason came through the mail or I got a phone call from someone Tyra didn’t know to contact about something to do with the life Jason and I were going to start.

I needed a release. I needed to go back in time when, for Natalie and me, it was all about fun and music and beer and talking and not about how life could go straight down the toilet.

I needed to forget. I needed to remember when life was different, when it was good.

When things went wrong, I called Shy because he wasn’t like the other guys. He didn’t know Jason and he didn’t like me. I figured, like any of my father’s brothers would do, he’d come get me, get me safe, and that would be it. He wouldn’t look at me with kind eyes, urge me to talk, or give me a gentle lecture about hanging with Natalie, and I didn’t need any of that. In fact, I went out with Nat in the first place to get away from that.

I’d programmed his number in when I got my new phone. I didn’t know why, didn’t think about why, I just did.

What I didn’t expect was that he would give me exactly what I needed, be totally cool about it and also unbelievably sweet.

“Six weeks ago you were out with Natalie,” Tyra prompted, and I focused on her.

“I just needed… I needed…” I trailed off, and Tyra reached out to squeeze my hand.

“I get what you needed,” she said softly then lifted her chin for me to continue, so I did.

“It being Natalie, I’m sure you’re not surprised that our company wasn’t great company.” The look on her face told me she wasn’t surprised, but she had no response, so I kept going. “I was a little freaked, I called Shy, he came and got me, and the rest happened as I told you. The problem is, Shy was awesome, really cool, and I slipped out while he was sleeping and haven’t seen him or talked to him in six weeks, which is not cool.”

“Not sure about the not talking for six weeks part, but Shy is awesome,” she declared, and I blinked.

“You think Shy’s awesome?” I asked in disbelief.

“I do, don’t you?” she asked.

“Uh… I don’t know him very well… or I didn’t,” I evaded.

“True, noticed that,” she murmured. “You’re tight with all the brothers but not Shy. Thought it was because of that huge crush you had on him ages ago but, whatever. Bottom line, he’s a good guy.”

Tyra didn’t know about what Shy did to me, no one did. I shared everything with Tyra but not what he’d done. I didn’t even tell Natalie about that, and I shared everything with her too.

That was how much it hurt.

I’d loved him. It was a young, faraway love, but sometimes that was the most intense kind, or it was when you’re young and you love someone from afar. He’d crushed me, so bad I couldn’t even reexperience it by sharing.