Alexa Hoffman - Outcome

"I blew you off."

"Yes, you did. I never understood that. God, that haunted me. I thought you hated me, hated what we had done."

I smiled.

"Did you know that I had had a crush on you since the ninth grade?" She looked at me, taken aback.

"I had no idea."

"Of course not. Neither did I. I didn’t have a word for it, but I knew I wanted to be around you, see you, hear you speak. Oh, I loved your voice." I smiled at he memories. "Still do, really." She put her hand on my knee. "I remember when I saw you that first day, when I was waiting in the library, and saw that it was you, the Haley, shit, I almost freaked! I was so damn intimidated by you."

"You? By me?" She put her hand on her chest, shocked. "God, Andi, you were like this cute, scarily smart girl, who was a complete mystery to everybody. I mean, no one knew a thing about you, except that when you entered into any sort of brain bowl, everyone headed for the hills." I laughed, so did she. "You scared the hell out of me."

"Really?"

"God, yes."

"What happened?"

"I got to know you, the real you, and not that crap persona that you gave to the rest of the world. Soon I became addicted to it, to you, your personality. You were so different than anyone I had ever met. Before or since. I mean, I was about to be tutored by the future Valedictorian."

I smiled, the memories flooding in.

"Did you ever think about me, after you left Winston?" I began to play with a string that was hanging off the sweats I wore.

"I really liked your speech at your graduation."

I looked up, my eyes instantly stinging as the words penetrated, and the lump that seemed to be there at the drop of a hat lately, was right on cue.

"What? You were there?" I asked, my voice a whisper. She nodded.

"I saw the whole thing. I was so proud of you up there, finally getting the recognition you deserved." She smiled, her hand squeezing my knee. "I was so proud, Andi."

I looked down, trying to get my emotions under control, taking several deep breaths, I could finally speak without fear of my voice cracking.

"Why didn’t you call?" I looked at her, feeing so much pain, all that I had held in for so long.

"I didn’t think you wanted me to."

"You know, I allowed myself to think about you, to think about what we had done, that weekend, for that last year in Winston, then I promised myself that after that, once I left, I left it all behind." She nodded understanding.

"That bad, huh?" She looked down, her voice quiet.

"Haley, I was a young girl who was so confused, anyway. There’s no blame, here. We both played our parts, and handled it the best way we could at the time. I chose not to deal with it. Did you know that I had completely allowed myself to throw everything out of my mind for over a decade? It wasn’t until last summer, when you’d already come back, that I had a dream. It woke me up in a serious sweat." I chuckled. "Then I realized it was no dream. That had been you and me back in my mother’s bedroom. It all came back to me."

"What do we do?" she asked quietly. "I know that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I did about you. Hell, who am I kidding, do. I feel so lost, Andi."

"I understand. We don’t have to do anything, Haley. We’re doing what should have been done so many years ago. This needed to get out."

"You made me doubt myself. That’s why I dated so little in college. I didn’t know what was going on, and didn’t want to stick myself in someone’s camp that I didn’t belong in, but I tell you," She pointed a finger at me. "You were a hard act to follow."

I smiled. "So were you. I was trying to find someone who could see me like you did, in all those women I was with." I shook my head. "Not a one."

She sighed, ran a hand through her hair, then she reached out to me, bringing me toward her in a tight embrace.

"Thank you," she said in my ear.

"For?"

"For being here."

"Well, you invited me in." She chuckled, and squeezed me tighter.

"What say you we get some sleep?" She pulled away. I nodded.

"Yeah. I’m beat."

"Me, too."

"Got any blankets?"

"Yeah. I’ll get them."

I walked down the hall from my office Monday, feeling like I was walking on air. We had had the most wonderful weekend, though nothing more had happened. I just felt a closeness with Haley that I had never felt with another living soul. I felt like someone truly saw what I was made of for the first time, well, for a second chance. I felt incredibly vulnerable, but for some reason that didn’t matter.

I headed to Haley’s office, curious to why she didn’t come get me to get out of here like she usually does, I thought about the following day, yesterday.

We had spent the entire day in Haley’s townhouse, talking, laughing, reliving so many old memories, and creating new ones.

God, thank you so much for this second time around. I actually glanced up toward the ceiling, feeling silly for doing it. I was not a religious person by any means, but I felt like there was a hand in this somewhere, helping us out.

I pulled open the door that would take me to the offices of the psych people. Haley’s office was just inside, to the right.

I stopped short when I saw she was on the phone.

"Yeah, I know. I’m not sure what to do." She sat in her chair, staring out the window, her back to me, a hand on her forehead. "Yeah, I start the summer class session at UCLA in late May. I report back to work on the twentieth. Yeah, I guess I’m looking forward to getting back to Los Angeles. Yeah, five months to go."

My stomach fell, my breath caught as realization dawned on me.

No.

I turned, tears blinding my way as I reached for the door handle that would take me back to the hall, slamming out of there. I needed to get out of there.

 I swiped at my eyes, despising myself for letting them come. How had I been so stupid? How had I ever allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe, it would work out for me, that maybe I was meant to find that elusive drug?

What a fool I was. I might as well have been chasing a rainbow.

I found the door to the building, and headed out toward the parking lot.

"Andi!"

I hurried faster, trying to find my Jeep through my tears.

"Andi! Stop!"

I pulled my keys out of my pocket, trying to find the right key to unlock the door.

"Why are you running from me?" I turned, seeing Haley running toward me, just in the pant suit she’d worn for work. Finally she stopped, standing at the back of the car, her face red from the exertion and the cold, and filled with confusion. "What happened? Why are you crying?" She took a step forward, but stopped, apparently seeing something on my face that made her unsure.

"When were you going to tell me, Haley?" I asked, my voice deathly calm and quiet, though my eyes still burned from tears shed, and those waiting in the wings.

"Tell you what?"

"That you’re leaving! You’re going back to California. Goddamn you, Haley. How could you do this to me?" I turned back to my car, again, attempting to find the right key, even as my hands continued to tremble. "I can’t do it again, Haley. Not only can’t I, I won’t,"

"Come with me."

My head jerked up, my heart in my throat. She looked like she was on the verge of tears herself.

"What?"

"Come with me, back to California, Andi." She took a step closer. I could only stare. "Please? I’ve found you, gotten you back into my life, and damn if I can imagine you out again." She took a deep breath, quickly swiping at her eye, then looking at me again, taking a small step forward.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" I asked, my voice quiet, defeated.

"Do you know how many times, how many ways I tried to ask? Do you think all my questions about you ever seeing, or being interested in seeing California were arbitrary? Andi, I wanted you to come with me."

I finally turned to face her fully, my hurt and fear being covered by anger. Always my weapon of choice.

"Why? So I could live down the street from you? We could have our Saturday nights? What, can’t live without my baking?" Her eyes narrowed, tears springing to them.

"Why are you saying these things? Andi, I’m trying to offer you a life with me in it. Do you want that? Because from everything you’ve said and done thus far, I’m sorry, but that was certainly the impression I got."

"I do want you in my life, Haley! But on whose terms? Yours? I can’t go as your boy toy to take out and play with when you want, and then tuck nicely back into my own little house when you don’t."

"Is that what you think of me?" she asked, taking the final step that separated us, bringing our foreheads so they were nearly touching. "Is that all you think I’m capable of, Andi?"

"What are you capable of?" I closed my eyes, fearing my heart would pound out of my chest. Haley was silent for a moment, then she let out a deep breath, shaking her head.

"I don’t know."

I sighed, taking a step back, finally getting my key in the door, turning the lock.

"Please, at least think about it." I glanced at her. She was looking at me with pleading eyes. "Okay?" All I could do was nod. I climbed into the Jeep, and closed the door, shutting out the cold, shutting out Haley, shutting out the world.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I stopped just before turning onto the major street. Turning left would take me toward home. I quickly flicked the right turn signal, and headed out.