"Not again."

"Erin, I have been so selfish to you over these last three years, and it’s not fair."

"Andi,"

"No, let me finish. I’m going to do the most unselfish thing that I can for you." I looked at her, feeling my blood pounding in my head, my voice shaking. "I’m going to let you go. You need to find someone who can give you what you need, what you want." Erin’s face began to distort, her eyes filling.

"Don’t do this, Andi. Isn’t it for me to say what I do and do not want?" I shook my head.

"Not this time, Erin. I don’t deserve you." I felt my own eyes begin to fill, thinking of not having her in my life after three years. I would miss her. But, I knew this was for the best. She turned away and walked over to the coffee pot, staring down at it. I took a deep breath, and swallowed. "You know, my dad left the family when I was just a kid. Before that, he and my mom used to fight all the time, nonstop, and even when they weren’t fighting, my dad wasn’t really there." I ran a hand through my hair. "From the young age, I learned that relationships aren’t perhaps all that their cracked up to be."

"So?" She turned and looked at me, her face a picture of stone, hard and angry.

"So, I can’t shove my issues off on you."

"You’re scared, Andi. You know, when I look inside you, I see all that you have to give, all that you give to your work, your martial arts. I tried to be the key for you, but I failed." I shook my head.

"You didn’t fail, Erin. You can’t get blood from a rock. I don’t have it in me." I pounded on my own chest to emphasize my point. "God, you’re such a wonderful woman; beautiful, smart, giving. I can’t continue to take what I can’t give back. It’s not right."

I stopped, not sure what else to say, what else there was I could say. I waited for her response.

"Three years," she whispered. "Three years, and you’re ready to give it away on a whim. How dare you think that what you’re doing is best for me. You don’t know me. Get out." Tears began to stream down her face, and I could feel my own stinging my eyes.

"This is for the best." I whispered. She turned from me, snorting.

"It’s good for you, you mean." I sighed, knowing there wasn’t anything more I could say. I grabbed my car keys where I’d left them on the table, picking through them until I found the key to Erin’s house. Slowly, I slid it off, my hands shaking all the while, and lay it on the wood surface.

I turned back to her, watching her, her face buried in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she took a step back until she was against the wall, sliding down. I took a step, my conscience warring between wanting to help her and knowing that I couldn’t.

"I told you to get out," she seethed. "I don’t want your comfort. You did this. You were too afraid of feeling, of letting someone in, that you’re running away. Well, you’re very good at that. So run. Run away, so you don’t have to feel any more. Bury yourself in your research, like I know you will. Block the world out. But one day it’s going to seep in and you’re going to have no clue what to do."

I waited to see if she had any more to say, partly wondering if I should reply, but feeling like I deserved every blow she landed.

"Goodbye, Erin." I glanced back at her once, looking at her form slumped against the wall through the tears in my own eyes. With a sigh, I walked out.

I barely remember the drive back home, most of it spent crying, I’m sure. I knew Erin would be angry and hurt, and she had every right to be. But I knew deep down, this was the best thing to do. I couldn’t go on hurting her.

I wiped my eyes with my hand, then my nose. It was over.

My house was dark, as per usual. I lived away from the city a bit, the closest house being about a half mile away. Behind my house was a bike path and a stream, though I had never used it.

I flipped on the light, and walked over to the couch, flopping down. I looked around, a single light on over the fireplace, hardwood floors reflecting it, then fading into shadow.

I sighed, tying to decide what to do, then suddenly felt my chest expand. My hands came up to my face, and my shoulder began to heave with my sobs. Three years, down the drain, and I knew I had hurt Erin bad. That had never been my intent, yet it had happened anyway, and only I was to blame.

* * *

"Ha!" I did a round house, catching my bag squarely in the center. "X" marks the spot. Flipping backwards, I came at it again, front kick, moving to a back kick. "Fuck!" I missed the bag, and fell to the floor, out of breath, sweaty and stunned. I hadn’t fallen in a workout since I was a kid. "Damn." My concentration was shot.

Picking myself up, I headed to the kitchen for some water, catching the phone out of the corner of my eye as I drank. I wanted to call my mom, needed to talk to her, needed to be comforted as I couldn’t comfort Erin.

I put the empty glass in the sink, and grabbed the phone, dialing those seven numbers that I’d known my whole life. My eyes closed in disappointment as the busy signal blared in my ear. Hanging the handset up, I headed into the bedroom. Maybe I could sleep it off.

Stripping, I threw the covers to the end of the bed, hot and sweaty from my workout. I lay down, staring up at the ceiling, the headlights from a passing car displacing shadows across it, then disappearing all together. I closed my eyes, praying for sleep to take me over.

Dreams plagued me, images of pain and sadness until finally I woke, a scream caught in my throat, my heart racing, breathing out of control. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Knowing that falling back asleep was out of the question, I rubbed my eyes, and got up to take a shower. I needed to work.

* * *

I stared at the numbers, brows drawn as I turned the dial, trying to get everything to match up. About ready to growl in frustration, I stood, running an impatient hand through my hair.

"Hey, Dr. Littman." I turned to see Samantha Torres enter the lab, her jacket still on from the early morning chill. She drew her brows. "Why are you here so early again? This is the fourth morning in a row I’ve shown up, and you’re already here. I know for fact that you stay later than I do." She took her coat off, hanging it and her purse on the coat tree.

"There’s work to be done," I answered simply. I didn’t think it would be good to tell her that I’d been here since four this morning after only three-and-a-half hours at home, part of that asleep.

I made a decision, one that was long coming. If work was the only thing I could care about, my research, trying to find something to help Hannah, and people like her, I’d do it. I could be married to my job, and happily so.

"You need to get that microscope up and running, Dr. Torres. We’re running out of time." She stared at me for a moment before walking over and flipping on the switch. I rubbed my eyes, trying to fight the burning. I knew they were red from lack of sleep and proper eating, but I didn’t care.

I walked to my office, and filled my travel mug with coffee, made strong.

"When did you start drinking that?" I turned to see Samantha standing in the doorway. I shrugged.

"Always."

"Six years working with you, and that’s new to me."

"I need the caffeine." She looked at me, her dark eyes unreadable. She nodded and turned, walking away. I drank the coffee as fast as the hot liquid would allow, sitting behind my desk. I’d be going up to see Hannah soon. Haley and I had discussed her condition yesterday, her saying that Hannah’s mental state was actually holding up remarkably well. She had a positive attitude, even as her body continued to deteriorate further.

I closed my eyes, only for a moment, trying to make them stop burning. I had a bottle of Visine in the pocket of my lab coat, but it didn’t do much good anymore. I opened my mouth to let the seemingly endless yawns escape. Turning to the small fridge in the corner, I grabbed a can of Jolt, popped the top, and took a huge swig.

Like magic, I felt a huge burst of energy flow through me, making me literally get the shivers. "Whoa, yeah! Work to be done." I drank the rest of the pure caffeine down, crushing the can in my hand, tossing it into the trash where it clanked against its other five siblings. Standing, I headed into the lab, humming to myself. I could feel eyes on me, and I didn’t care. "La la la la," I sang, doing a little twirl on my way to my station. Yeah, I could do this.

* * *

I saw the light turn red, isn’t it? I shook my head, trying to clear it as I rubbed my eyes. I was so tired, only stopping by the house for a change of clothes, and dinner. I hated being in that place, lately. It felt so empty, and I felt alone.

Pushing on the gas, I began to accelerate, trying to beat the light before it turned yellow.

Out of the distance somewhere I heard a horn, loud and blaring. I shook my head again, looking to my left.

"Fuck!" Pushing the breaks as far down to the floor as I could, the Jeep came to a screeching stop, and the semi whizzed by, not a foot from my front bumper. I felt like I’d have a heart attack right there, my hand on my chest as I attempted to calm it. I looked to my right, seeing the tail lights of the rig disappear into the early morning darkness. What am I doing?

Taking a series of deep breaths, I put the car in gear, and headed to the Mayo.

To my surprise, Samantha was already in the lab, sitting on a stool with her arms crossed over her chest. "Hey, Dr. Littman." I looked at her.