I’d fucked it all up.

“Shit…shit…shit…”

“Evan!”

“So fucked up…”

“I know,” she said with a rush of air from her lungs. “It’s as fucked up as anything ever has been.”

“It’s worse,” I responded.  I squeezed my eyes shut and considered biting down on my tongue.

There’s a rush of blood into my throat just after a sharp blow to my chin causes me to bite down on my tongue.  For a moment I think I’m choking on my own blood, but once I manage to swallow, I can breathe again.  My tongue throbs in my mouth…

“Evan?”

As my thoughts were interrupted, my lungs started screaming at me to fill them up with some air before I passed out face-first on the table.  I tried to inhale but couldn’t and started to panic.

The blood in my mouth mixes with the sand as I’m thrown back to the ground, and for a moment I am choking on it…

“Evan, stay with me.”

“Can’t breathe.”

“Calm, baby.”  Her fingers traced the edge of my jaw.  “Just listen to my voice, and take a slow breath.”

I wanted to listen to her badly enough that I forced my diaphragm to flex and pull air into my lungs in a sharp gasp.

“It’s okay.”  Lia’s voice pulled me from the panic the same way it had managed to pull me from the memory.  “It’s all right, Evan…  You’re all right.”

With nearly violent effort, I inhaled again.  The act itself nearly made me fall out of the chair.  I wondered if it was the restraints or Lia’s touch that was keeping me from landing on the floor.  After a few more tries and a lot of focus on her skin against mine, I managed to start breathing normally again.

“Where did you go?”  Lia’s fingers continued to run from my temple to my chin.

“Back there,” I responded.  I swallowed past the growing tightness in my throat before continuing.  “When they first tried to put me in the hole, I’d struggle.  It was stupid—there were too many of them to fight.”

“But you kept trying.”

“For a while.”  I nodded.  “Eventually, I figured out there wasn’t any point.  Once I didn’t respond that way anymore to whatever they were doing, they’d try to come up with other ways to get a reaction out of me.”

“Shit,” Lia whispered as her arms tensed.  “You were there a long time, too.”

I could only nod.  Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to keep the memories shoved to the back of my mind, but I was really too tired for such an act of will.  They were going to be back—with force.  My hands began to shake uncontrollably, and I gripped Lia’s thigh a little harder.

“Evan, it will be all right.”  Her voice echoed around the small room. “We'll figure it out. I'll help you figure it out.”

I laughed. It was hollow and without humor.

“Figure it out,” I repeated sarcastically. “I shot up my neighborhood park. I'm going to prison.  I should go to prison.”

Her hand stroked the top of my head.

“We'll figure something out,” she said again.  “I don't know what that is yet, but there has to be something.”

“Can’t think,” I told her.  “Can’t think when I can’t sleep.”

“You have to sleep.”

“No.”  I shook my head against her body.  “It’s too much—too real.”

The door across the room opened abruptly, and Mark Duncan stepped in.

“Were you serious about your offer?” he said immediately to a confused Lia.

She shook her head, her look quizzical.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I have to admit I’m a little anxious to see how much this helps.  Evan hasn’t slept more than a few minutes at a time in the past two days, and I believe it’s largely to blame for his breakdown.”

Breakdown.  Is that what it was?

“Who are you?” Lia finally asked.

Mark shook his head like Odin does when he gets a bath.

“I’m so sorry, Miss Antonio.”  He extended his arm, and I flinched as Lia’s touch left my skin briefly to shake his hand.  “I’m Mark Duncan, Evan’s psychologist.  I’ve been observing both of you through the monitor.  I assume you are the young lady Evan has spoken to me about.”

I’d said nothing to him about Lia as far as I could remember.  Not that my memory was all that great, but I had a pretty good idea he was really thinking of Bridgett.  I hadn’t told him much during the few sessions we had actually had, but he had guessed that the person I was sleeping with was a hooker, and I hadn’t denied it.  I tensed, unsure about what else he might say.

If he called Lia a prostitute, I was going to rip off the chains and beat him to death with them.

Apparently, the doctor-patient privilege still held because he said nothing else about it.

“I want to help,” Lia confirmed.  “What do you want me to do?”

“Sleep with him.”

Her eyes narrowed a little, and her hand stilled against my cheek.

“Where?” she asked.

“Here,” Mark said.  “Visitors aren’t allowed in the cell units, so there isn’t any other place, and this is a bit of a desperate situation.  He’s in serious danger if he doesn’t get proper sleep.  I can see what I can do to make it more comfortable.”

Lia looked around the room while I tried to make sense of what Mark was suggesting.  I wasn’t successful; it was too hard to keep track of what was going on around me in my present state of mind.  Inferred reasoning wasn’t going to happen.

Thankfully, Lia spelled it all out.

“You want me to just…what?  Lie down with him on the floor so he can sleep?  Do you really think that will work?”

“If he could get some sleep with you here, it could change everything.  Right now I can’t reach him at all—he’s too disoriented. To be perfectly frank, there is a very real possibility of further psychosis or even death.”

“Death?”

“In extreme cases of insomnia, yes,” Mark confirmed.  “I need to know if you’re serious about your suggestion.  Are you willing to help him?”

“Of course I want to help him.”  Lia’s tone was one of annoyance.

Mark moved toward the guard and pointed from the guard’s keychain to where I sat.

“Remove Mister Arden’s restraints.”

The guard let out a sharp burst of laughter, and Mark eyed him.

“I’m not jesting here.”

“You are as nutty as your patients, then, doc,” the guard replied.  “There is no way that loon is getting out of his cuffs.  He’d probably kill you first.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”  Mark waved a dismissive hand.

I might have felt a little bad for my shrink.  He wanted to help. I knew he did, but he really didn’t know what he was dealing with.  It wasn’t his fault.  It’s not like I could tell him what I did for a living.

“You’re an idiot,” the guard snapped back.

“I’m not here to discuss or argue this with you,” Mark said.  “Release Mister Arden from the cuffs, please.”

“You have no idea who this guy is, do you?” the guard growled.

Mark looked up at him and tilted his head.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked.

For the first time since he called me lieutenant, the fat, uniformed guard grabbed my attention.

Fuck no.

My eyes turned to the guard, and I tried to gather whatever energy I had inside of me to give him a slight idea of what would happen to him if he spoke a word.  As I raised my eyebrows ever so slightly, I conveyed a clear message with my gaze.

Don’t even fucking think about it.

He stared back at me with defiant eyes at first, but as I tilted my head slightly, he must have received the message.  His eyes widened, and he took a slight step back—like I had pushed him with a look.  He glanced from me to Mark and then let out a breath through his nose.  He reached up and ran his hand over the top of his bald head.

“Why don’t any of the guards have any hair?”

“What?”  Lia glanced down at me and palmed my cheek.

“I don’t know,” I replied.  I didn’t, either.  None of what was happening made sense to me—it was all too clouded and confusing.

“I can’t do that without written authority from-”

Mark cut off the guard by waving a piece of paper in his face.

“I already had it cleared.”

He looked to the floor and let out another long breath.

“Yes, sir,” the guard said as he walked over and slipped the key into the lock around my wrist.  He did my right wrist first and then waited for Lia to step aside so he could do the left.  He moved silently back to his post next to the door and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched me intently.

Lucky for him, I still wasn’t in much of a killing mood because otherwise I would have been seriously pissed off.  I was focused enough on the guard, I didn’t realize Mark had walked out until he came back in again, holding a couple of blankets in his arms.

“Sorry, but this was the best I could do on short notice,” Mark said.  “Hopefully, it will be enough to get you back on your feet again, so to speak.”

“Does he have to stay here?” Lia asked as she nodded her head toward the guard.

“I’m afraid so,” Mark replied.  “It would probably be in everyone’s best interest anyway.”

“Well, let’s do this, then.”  Lia reached out and took my hand.  She led me to the side of the room furthest from the guard and laid out the small blanket on the cement floor.  Then she removed her coat and laid that down on top of it before she sat down with her back against the wall.  She beckoned me, and I sat down beside her.

“Lay down,” she said.

I stared at her against the wall. It felt wrong, but I wasn't sure why. I started to lie down beside her, but it still didn't feel right, so I sat back up and shook my head a bit.  I didn’t know what was wrong, and I couldn’t even find any words that would have made any sense.  I didn’t need to, though—Lia knew without me saying a word.