I was amused and then exasperated; I would take my mother’s book called Gods and Heroes of the Northlands and read of those fantastic adventures of Thor and Odin and Siegfried, Beowulf and the rest of them. And I fancied I was there with that unmistakable scent of the fir and pine trees, the rushing of little mountain streams and the sudden descent of the mist.

“It’s time you took your nose out of that book and did something useful,” commented Aunt Caroline.

“Bending over books will send you into a decline,” Aunt Matilda told me.

“It stops the expansion of the chest.”

My great solace at that time was the Grevilles. They could talk of the pine forests. They had a feeling for them. They had spent a holiday there some years ago and often went back to visit them. It was they who had brought me back and forth from the Damenstift, for they had been great friends of my parents. Their son Anthony was studying for the church. He was such a good son, the delight of his parents, who were so proud of him. They were very kind and sorry for me. I spent Boxing Day with them and it was a relief to escape from the aunts.

They tried to make it gay for me and there were little individual Christmas trees just as my mother had arranged them.

Anthony was there, and when he spoke his parents listened in a hushed silence which amused me while it endeared me to them. We played guessing games, and games with paper and pencil, but Anthony was so much more learned than the rest of us that we came nowhere.

It was quite pleasant and Anthony walked home with me and said rather shyly that he hoped I would visit his parents’ home whenever I wished to.

“Is that what you would like?” I asked.

He assured me that he would.

“Then they would want it too,” I said, ‘because they always want what you do. “

He smiled. He had a quick understanding and was very pleasant, but not in the least exciting to be with and it was n. o. s. m. impossible for me now to avoid comparing any man with Siegfried. If Anthony had found a girl in the mist he would have taken her straight back to where she belonged, and if he could not, to his mother; and she would have no need to utter warnings and to take on the role of guardian angel.

I would be pleased to go to the Grevilles and see them and their son; but the desire to be again in that hunting lodge sitting opposite my wicked baron was so intense that it was sometimes like a physical pain.

There were more visits to the Grevilles. The Clees came to the shop and I heard that I had fifteen hundred pounds clear when all debts were paid.

“A nest egg,” said Aunt Caroline; and invested wisely it would give me a small income which would enable me to live like a lady. I would continue under their care and they would teach me how to become a good housewife, an art in which it was obvious to them I was by no means accomplished. I was disturbed. I saw myself growing like the aunts; learning how to run a house, speaking to Ellen so that she cringed, making rows of jams, preserves and jellies and lining them up in chronological order with labels on them denoting that they were blackberry jelly, raspberry jam or orange marmalade of the 1859, 1860 variety and so on through the century, while I grew’ into a good housewife with banisters which held not a speck of dust and tables in which I could see my reflection, making my own beeswax and turpentine, salting my own pork, gathering my black currants for jelly and brooding over the quality of my ginger wine.

And somewhere in the world Siegfried would be pursuing his adventures and if we met again after many rows of jars in my still room he would not know me but I should always know him.

Escape was at the Grevilles’ house where I was always welcome, and sometimes Anthony was there to talk about the past, for he was as enamoured of the past as I was of the pine forests; I found it interesting to learn what the Queen’s marriage had meant to the country, how the Consort had ousted Lord Melbourne, what he had done for the country-of the great Exhibition in Hyde Park which Anthony described so vividly that I could see the Crystal Palace and the little Queen so proud beside her husband. He talked of the war in the Crimea and the great Palmerston and how our country was growing into a mighty Empire.

I should have been very unhappy during that period but for the Grevilles.

But Anthony was not always there and I found it tiring to hear an account of his virtues, which his parents never failed to give me; and I was restless and unhappy and felt sometimes as though I were in limbo, waiting . for what I was not sure.

I told Mrs. Greville that I wanted to do something.

“Young girls really have plenty to do in the house,” she said.

“They learn how to be good wives when they marry.”

“It seems very little,” I replied.

“Oh no, being a housewife is one of the important jobs in the world . for a woman.”

I didn’`t take to it. My jam burned the pans; the labels came off.

Aunt Caroline tut-tutted.

“This is what comes of going to outlandish schools.”

“Outlandish’ was a favourite word, to be applied to anything of which she did not approve.

My father had made that ‘outlandish’ marriage. I had ‘outlandish’ notions about doing something in life.

“What could you do? Go and be a governess to children? Miss Grace, the vicar’s daughter in our old home, went as a companion when her father died.”

“She went into a decline soon after,” added Aunt Matilda grimly.

To that Lady Ogilvy. She was the one who stopped giving soup to the poor because she said they gave it to the pigs as soon as her back was turned. “

“I knew what was wrong with her long before,” put in Aunt Matilda.

“She was that transparent colour. You can tell.

“You’ll go into a decline, my girl,” I said to myself.

“And it won’t be very long before you do either.”

I was thoughtful. I didn’`t fancy looking after children or being a companion to some fratchetty old lady who might well be worse than Aunt Caroline and Aunt Matilda; at least the incongruity of their conversation and the predictability of their views gave me a little amusement.

I was drifting. It was as though I were waiting. Life was dull; my high spirits were taking a waspish turn because I was frustrated. I provoked the aunts; I refused to learn what Aunt Caroline was so desperate to teach; I was flippant over the ailments of the body. Yes, I was frustrated. I yearned for something and I was not sure what. I felt that but for that adventure in the forest I might have felt differently. If Siegfried had not robbed me of my virtue (as he had put it), he had robbed me of my peace of mind. I felt that I had glimpsed something which I would not have known existed if he had not shown me; and now I could never clearly be content again.

When the Clees came in the spring life was more tolerable. They were as serious as Anthony Greville. I went into the shop quite a bit and grew very friendly with them. The aunts quite liked them too. I was nearly nineteen-not yet of age; the aunts were my guardians; and life seemed to promise me very little.

And then the Gleibergs appeared in Oxford.

I was helping Aunt Caroline make strawberry jam when they arrived.

There was a knock on the door and Aunt Caroline cried: “Who on earth is that, of this hour of the morning?”

It was about eleven o’clock and I was surprised afterwards that I had no premonition of how important this meeting was going to prove.

Aunt Caroline stood, her head on one side listening to the voices in the hall, to make sure that Ellen was making the necessary enquiries as to the visitors’ identity in the correct manner.

She came into the kitchen. oh Mum . “

“Madam,” corrected Aunt Caroline.

“Madam, they say they’re your cousins so I put them in the drawing-room.”

“Cousins!” cried Aunt Caroline indignantly.

“What cousins? We have no cousins.”

Aunt Matilda came into the kitchen. Unexpected callers were an event and she had seen them arrive.

“Cousins!” repeated Aunt Caroline, “They say they’re our cousins!”

“Our only cousin was Albert. He died of liver,” said Aunt Matilda.

“He drank. We never beard what became of his wife. She was as fond of the liquor as he was. Sometimes it affects the heart and she was always a funny colour.”

“Why not go and see them?” I said.

“You’ll probably find they’re some long-lost relations who have suffered all the diseases that flesh-is heir to.”

Aunt Caroline gave me that look which meant that I was showing signs of my outlandish education; Aunt Matilda, who was more simple, never tried to analyse the workings of my mind; although she kept a close watch on my physical condition.

I followed them into the drawing-room because after all, if the cousins were theirs they were probably some relation to me also.

I was unprepared for the visitors. They looked foreign.

“Outlandish’ I knew Aunt Caroline was thinking.

They were a man and a woman. The woman was of middle height and carried herself well; the man, of the same height, was inclined to rotundity. She wore a black gown and elegant bonnet on her fair hair.

The man clicked his heels and bowed as we entered.

They were both looking at me and the woman said in English : “This must be Helena.” And my heart began to beat fast with excitement because I recognized her accent; I had heard it many times while I was in the Damenstift.