Виктория Холт - On the Night of the Seventh Moon

I knew that she had already seen him in his gaiters presiding over his bishopric.

I had taken to going to church every Sunday with the Grevilles to hear Anthony take the service; and I felt more contented than I had believed possible. The fact that I did not hear from Ilse added to the sense of unreality and I began to feel that I had strayed into a strange world where events which would seem inconceivable in a logical world had happened. But at night I dreamed my dreams.

On Sundays after evensong I would go to the GreviUes’ home for Sunday supper while Aunt Matilda or Amelia kept an eye on Aunt Caroline, who was more and more needing constant attention; and it was on one of the summer Sundays when supper had been cleared away that Anthony asked me to go for a walk with him. It was a lovely evening and we strolled out to the fields beyond the city and Anthony talked, as he loved to do, about the glories of Oxford. He loved to discover the history of the place and, like my father, he knew how all the colleges had been founded; on this particular Sunday he was telling me about the legend of St. Frideswyde, which he said was something more than a legend.

Frideswyde had actually lived and in the year 727 founded a nunnery.

When the King of Leicester fell madly in love with her and tried to abduct her, he was struck blind. She lived so piously that when she died a shrine was dedicated to her. About this shrine a hamlet grew up, then a village and so began the ancient town of Oxford. There the owners of cattle drove them across the ford where the Thames and Cherwell met and thus the spot derived its name of Oxford.

He was so enthusiastic when he talked that he grew quite animated, which he was not in the normal way, and I was taken by surprise when he said suddenly:

“Helena, will you marry me?”

I was shocked into silence. If I had ever doubted it, I knew in that moment that I considered myself to be a married woman. It was so long since I had seen Use’s kind face. It was so long since I had heard from her, that her image had faded and with it my fears that she, Ernst and Dr. Carlsberg must have been right. The farther I grew away from that time the more vivid seemed my adventure in the forest and the less plausible their account of my lost days.

But marry! I was already married.

“Helena, is the idea so repulsive to you?”

“Oh no,” I said.

“No, no. It was just that I hadn’`t thought.”

I stopped. How foolish this must seem. Of course it had been obvious for some time what Anthony’s intentions were. The attitude of Mr. and Mrs. Greville had made it clear. I realized with dismay that they were expecting us to come back from our walk engaged.

I said quickly: “Of course, Anthony. I’m fond of you.” Yes, I was fond of him. I liked Anthony Greville as much as any one in Oxford. I found his conversation interesting; I enjoyed his company. I should be very lonely if he went out of my life. But I wanted to go on as we were. It was his friendship I wanted. There was only one man whom I could consider as my husband and I believed he was that in spite of efforts to convince me that I loved a phantom.

“It’s just that I hadn’`t thought of marriage,” I finished lamely.

“I should have led up to this, I suppose,” he said ruefully.

“I know my parents expected. They are so fond of you and so am I.”

I said: “It would be very suitable of course, but...

“Oh, Helena,” he said, ‘get used to the idea. Think about it. “

“There is Aunt Caroline,” I said.

“I couldn’'t leave her. She needs someone to look after her all the time.”

“We could bring her to the vicarage. My mother would help to look after her.”

“I couldn’'t impose Aunt Caroline on you. She would disrupt the household.”

I was talking round the matter, anything but to tell the truth. I was really agitated because talking of marriage had brought back So vividly that room in the hunting lodge, the priest with the book and the ring, and Maximilian standing beside me impatiently waiting for the time when we would be alone.

I forced myself to think of Anthony. He would be kind to me; we could have a pleasant life together. I could be of use to him in his work; perhaps we should have children. I felt the pain surging within me as I thought of that little face framed in the white bonnet. How could I possibly marry without telling what had happened to me now six years ago.

I said quickly: “I should have to have time to think.

He took my hand and pressed it firmly.

“But of course,” he said.

We were thoughtful as we went back to the house. I could not tear my mind away from the past. I kept seeing Maximilian with the eager passion in his eyes. I had had no doubts then; I would have made no excuses; I would have swept them all away. And my child . I could not bear it. I must control my feelings.

When we arrived back at the house I noticed at once the expectancy in Mrs. Greville’s face. She was disappointed.

Anthony had now moved into the new vicarage, a charming Queen Anne residence with spacious, gracious lawns at both front and back. There was a south wall at the back-older than the house. It had been there since Tudor days. Peaches could be grown on it. There were apple and pear trees in the garden and a sundial inscribed with an old adage: “I count only the sunny hours. They,” said Anthony, were the only ones which should be counted. ” His parents had moved in with him.

To make sure of his comforts,” Mrs. Greville explained to me.

“Of course when Anthony marries we’ll be ready to take a back seat.”

She spoke significantly. I knew she thought that although I was hesitant I should eventually marry Anthony. After all, what life was there for me otherwise? It wasn’`t right, said Mrs. Greville, for young women to be cooped up looking after old ones. She implied that Aunt Caroline would be no less miserable installed in a room in the vicarage where she would help to look after her.

They were so good, so kind, and I loved them all dearly. Why did I hesitate? The answer was because I was clinging to a dream.

Either in reality or my dreams I had known the perfect union and I hungered for it. I knew that Anthony was a good man; it seemed very likely that Maximilian was not quite that; but one does not always love people for their virtues.

One day when we were in the walled garden, and I was alone with Anthony I blurted out: “Anthony, I want to be absolutely truthful with you. I’ve had a child.”

He was startled and incredulous.

“You remember I was away for almost a year. It’s the strangest story and the strangest part of it is that I don’t know whether or not it’s true.”

I told him what had happened, beginning with my adventure in the mist and the strong feelings that had been aroused in me that night. I wanted to keep nothing back. And then I went on to my adventure on the Night of the Seventh Moon.

“Everything was normal until then-and the rest.

Anthony, I am not sure.”

He listened intently.

“It seems incredible,” he said.

“I should like to meet your cousin. “

“She was so good to me. She felt responsible. She couldn’'t do enough.

She looked after me during those months . Then she ceased to write.

“

“Some people are bad correspondents.”

“But I should have thought she would have sent me an address. Anthony, what do you think happened?”

“I know,” he said, ‘that doctors are making rapid advances in this field and that experiments have been made. It must have been that this Dr. Carlsberg used such an experiment on you, with the results we have seen. “

“Is it possible to forget six whole days of your life?”

“I believe it is.”

And then . this horrible thing happened to me . and I cannot remember it. “

“It is better that you don’t. It seems that this was necessary to save you pain, humiliation and perhaps great mental stress which could have been dangerous.”

“I can see that you believe the marriage to have been a myth.”

“If it were not so, where is this man? Why did he not come forward?

Why did he give a false name . a name that you had seen was one of the Duke’s titles? Besides, why should your cousin lie to you? Why should the doctor do so? “

“Why indeed? Everything points one way. You as a practical man see that.”

“My poor Helena,” he said, ‘it was a shattering experience. But it is over now. The child died, so any complications which might have ensued have been removed. “

I closed my eyes. I could not bear it when anyone talked of my child’s death as this happy release.

“I wanted the child,” I said fiercely.

“I would not have cared for these complications.”

“You will have other children, Helena. That is the best way to heal that wound.”

How calm he was, how kind, how unshaken in his love for me.

I knew that I had told him this because the prospect of marriage with him was not an impossibility.

I was so pleased that I had told him. It was a great relief. I began to think how comforting it would be in the future to share my troubles with him.

The more I thought of marriage with Anthony the more rational it seemed. Anthony’s calm reception of my revelation had shown me what a steadying influence he would have on my life; he was a man in whom I knew I could put my trust. Marriage with him would be like coming into a safe harbour after battling against the storms. On the very next Sunday he preached an eloquent sermon about the need to overcome past misfortunes, never to brood on what could not be altered but to try to profit from experience rather than to regret it. His text came from the story of the houses, one of which was built on sand, the other on rock; and the shifting sands of romantic dreams were doomed to destruction while the house which was built on the firm rock of reality would endure.