To him it’s probably such a casual question, but to me the answer is more complicated than living. “I’ve been good,” I lie, and then exchange a handshake with him. “How’s things going with you?”

He shrugs, glancing over his shoulder into the house. “Not too bad. Just been living life.”

I nod with uneasiness. “That’s good.” I’m about to say good-bye and walk away because things feel really awkward.

But then he looks back at me and says, “You want to come inside for a bit? Dan’s here chillin’.”

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. What am I doing? “Maybe… I mean, yeah. Sure.” Walk away.

Marcus steps back to let me in and I stare down at the threshold, watching in slow motion as I lift my foot over it and step inside. Just like that I enter the world that nearly killed me.

I’m trying to decide how I feel about that as I follow Marcus down the hallway and toward the basement where I used to spend a lot of time getting high. Marcus is chatting about something, but I barely hear him because I’m too distracted by the way my mind and body are reacting to the pungent scent flowing up the stairway. I’m sure a lot of people probably wouldn’t notice the increase in moisture in the air, but having craved the sensation before, my senses heighten.

I know what I’m walking into before I walk into it, which means I should turn away. But I don’t. I walk right into it. Part of me wanting it. Needing it. Seeking the quiet.

Dan’s sitting on the leather sofa when I enter the room at the bottom of the stairs. He looks about the same as the last time I saw him, maybe a little scragglier and his hair a little shorter. He has a light bulb up to his mouth and he’s heating the glass with a lighter. He glances up when I walk in and then lowers the light bulb.

“Quinton, what the fuck,” he says with a surprised laugh. Smoke leaves his lips and enters the air around me and I helplessly feel myself crave it. He gets to his feet and sets the light bulb and lighter down on the table. “Where the hell have you been for the last year or two?”

“Around,” I tell him, being purposely vague. That was always the thing with hanging out with people who were high. Nothing mattered. The future. The past. If you wanted to dodge questions, they’d let you, because they were too fixated on getting the next hit. So different from spending time with Nova. Or even Wilson.

He nods, like I’ve said something that actually means something. “Cool. Cool.”

“I heard you were in Vegas,” Marcus says as he winds around me and plops down into the sofa, reaching for the light bulb.

“Who’d you hear that from?”

He shrugs as he collects the lighter. “I heard my mom talking. I guess she heard it from your dad or something.”

My dad’s been talking to people about me? That pisses me off a little.

I go over and sit on the couch beside Dan, knowing I’m probably about to ruin the last few months of getting clean, and desperately searching for the will to get up and walk the hell out of here. “Yeah, I was there for a few months,” I say, blinking as Marcus blows some smoke out.

“I heard that city was pretty crazy.” Dan is fixed on tracing the cracks in the leather with his finger, spun out of his mind I’m sure.

“Yeah, it was pretty fucking crazy, I guess,” I tell him vaguely as I watch Marcus take another hit, my mouth starting to salivate for a taste myself. But there’s also conflict within me. I want it, but I don’t want it. Do. Don’t. What do I do? Why am I here?

Marcus must notice me staring, because he holds up the light bulb and says, “You want a hit?”

Four words. One question. But my answer is going to be huge. Life-changing. God dammit. Why did I come here? I don’t even want to be here at the moment. Yet now that I am, it feels nearly impossible to walk away.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m about to nod. I’m not even going to lie. I have every intention of taking that fucking light bulb out of his hand, putting it up to my mouth, and messing up everything for myself. But then the damn phone rings inside my pocket. Over and over again. I hit silence without checking who it is and then reach over to take the light bulb from Marcus. But then the stupid phone rings again.

“Dude, someone wants to get ahold of you bad,” Dan remarks as he starts drumming his fingers on his knee.

I take the light bulb from Marcus, set it on my lap, then reach for my phone. I’m pissed off and totally ready to give whoever it is a mouthful. But then a text message flashes across the screen.

Nova: I know I’m probably bugging the crap out of you right now, but I really, really need to talk, so if you can call me, please do. And sorry for bothering u.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I mutter because the moment I see her name on the screen, I know I have to get up and walk out. I can’t be here. If not for myself or anyone else, for her. Nova. The girl who brought me back the first time, despite how hard it was on her own life. The girl I look forward to talking to every day. Jesus, she’s become more important to me than drugs. More important than maybe anything else.

Marcus looks confused as I get up, terrified by my thoughts. “I have to go,” I say, and then I hand him back the light bulb, despite how much I don’t want to.

Marcus’s brows furrow as he takes the light bulb from me. “You sure?”

I nod, putting my phone into my pocket. “Yeah, I have to call someone.”

He gives me a baffled look, which is completely understandable—walking away is hard. Everyone in this world knows that and yet here I am doing it, even though it’s almost physically painful to leave.

He gets to his feet, sticking his hand into his pocket as he walks around the coffee table. “I’ll walk you out.”

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m baffled. Stunned. Shocked beyond reason, as my feet guide me toward the door, away from the need, the craving, the want, all because Nova texted me and reminded me that unlike the first time I did drugs, I’d be messing something of a life up this time by making the choice.

When we get to the front door, Marcus finally takes his hand out of his pocket and I notice he’s got a plastic bag in it. “So here’s the down low. Since you were such a good friend of mine before you took off, I’m going to give you a freebie.” He sticks his hand toward me. “I don’t usually do that for clients, but I’m gonna for you because I know once you get a taste, you’re gonna be back.” He grins like he’s got everything all figured out.

I stare down at the bag filled with tiny white crystals. “I don’t…” Give it back to him.

“You don’t what?” His forehead creases. “Shit. Did I read you wrong?” His fingers close around the bag with panic in his eyes. “I heard you were into this shit, but I guess I heard wrong.”

I shake my head. “No, I was… am… it’s just…” I don’t even know what I’m saying, so instead I stick out my hand, my fingers trembling, and I wonder if he notices or if he’s too high.

He drops the bag into my hand. “It’s the best in town,” he says, like it matters. It doesn’t. Not to most crackheads, anyway. “And it can be an early Christmas present.” He says it like he’s doing me a favor giving it to me. But he’s not. I know it. He knows it. Because we both know that if I do the line, I’ll more than likely be back for more.

“Thanks,” I mumble, putting it into my pocket and then reaching for the doorknob, both relieved that I have it and at the same time angry with myself. “I’ll catch you later.”

“Definitely.” He backs away toward the hallway. “In fact, I’m betting you’re going to be back really soon for more.”

I force a smile and then open the door and step out of the house. The cold air hits my lungs like bricks and my legs feel like lead as I trudge down the stairs and head for my house a few blocks down. I feel like I’m dragging weights behind me and the bag of crystal in my pocket starts to take over my thoughts. Finally I take the phone out of my damn pocket and dial Nova’s phone number, just so I can stop thinking about what I almost did. What I still may do.

“Hey,” she answers after two rings, and it’s clear she’s been waiting for my call, which makes me feel bad, especially because of what I was just doing.

“Hey,” I reply, rounding the corner. “What’s up? Your text message sounded sort of panicky.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” she says with a sigh. “I’m just having a rough day and needed to talk so I don’t have to think.”

Sometimes she sounds so much like me it freaks me out. Although my reasons are different, we still both like to avoid thinking sometimes.

“Why was your day rough?” I shove my hand into my coat pocket and grab my cigarettes, hoping a little nicotine will calm me the fuck down and maybe give me the strength to throw away the crystal in my pocket.

“I don’t know…” She wavers. “A lot of things, but one is that Lea wants me to cheat on my band.”

“Cheat on your band?” I take a cigarette out of the pack and put it between my lips. “How exactly does that work?”

She sighs. “By playing for her band, which is going to upset my band members.”

I cup my hand around the end of my cigarette and flick the lighter. “So why didn’t you just tell her no?” I blow out smoke as I take the lit cigarette out of my mouth.

“Because I owe her,” she explains to me. “For being there for me.”

“Oh, I get it.” I head up the sidewalk toward my house, the porch light’s on because it’s nearly sunset. “So why don’t you just explain that to your band? Maybe they’ll understand.”

“Because it’d be weird,” she says. “One of them is really serious and then the singer… well, he used to date Lea and any sort of mention of her makes things awkward.” She blows out a deafening breath as I enter my house. “But anyway, can we talk about something else?”