Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

My hands plunged into his silky dark hair, squeezing tight, afraid if I didn’t hold on to something I would float away.

I finally understood what people meant when they said “heaven on earth.” I was there. Nothing could ruin this perfect moment. Nothing.

The shirt came off, landing in a pile of cotton on the floor. Familiar hands spread across my sides, and there were more kisses, until his eyes met mine, lips hovering centimeters away, his breath hot and minty against my skin.

But then the passion turned to something more. Something I knew too well. And I should have welcomed it with open arms, but the pain that came with it prevented me from doing so.

His lips parted and before he could utter the words that would throw my world off its axis, I slid out from under him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, confusion tugging at his features.

It would be easy to stay. To let him love me as I knew he could. But then what? He broke my heart so badly once before—I didn’t think I could go through that again. Allowing this to continue would be putting me on the edge of the fire and the idea of being scorched again scared the shit out of me.

“I . . . uh . . . I forgot I have somewhere I have to be.” I grabbed my shirt, and when his hand reached for mine, I jumped back, knocking into my desk chair.

“Are you okay?” he asked, standing, and I could see the bulge in his pants. Oh God. It wasn’t morning wood either.

I held my shirt in front of me trying to wrap it around my 34B’s.

“I’m fine. I just have somewhere I have to be.”

“Where?”

I wasn’t prepared for him to question me. I didn’t have an answer. All I knew was if I didn’t get out of there I would make a huge mistake. Repeating history—especially a horrible, depressing history—was not on my agenda today.

His eyes narrowed in on me, pinning me with his gaze until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally I caved, and gave him the truth.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this again. I just can’t.” I ran out of my room.

“Lizzie, I love you.” The words followed me like a bullet. As soon as I let them hit me, I’d be done for.

I spent so many nights waiting to hear those exact words. But now? Now it was too late. There was too much time in between.

I rushed out of my apartment, one arm in my sleeve, pants unbuttoned, hair a rumpled mess, tears streaming down my face. A crackhead jonesing for her next fix looked better than me.

I didn’t care. All I cared about was putting as much distance as I could between me and those eyes.

Zach loved me. I knew it. But what would happen when his love faded, and he stopped calling? I couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t.

Loving him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Losing him was the worst.

A year of my life spent crying, spent going over every single detail of our last conversation and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Where did it go wrong? I still didn’t completely know. And how could we move forward when the past was still very much a part of us? Standing in our path, reminding me of the misery I endured?

For months I’d denied it, but as I pulled my shirt over my head and wiped the tears from my cheeks, I no longer could.

I’d never stopped loving him.

I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I couldn’t go back to my place. I was lucky enough Zach didn’t chase after me. Sadie was out with Matt, and the last place I wanted to go was Trax. So I went back to the only place where I never felt alone.

I went home.

Living on my own with my best friend was amazing, but it lacked the comfort of the familiar. I needed to be surrounded by the walls and the things that were always there for me—silent, inanimate objects, witnesses to my life.

When I arrived home that evening, I found Josh in the living room watching TV, his leg propped up on a pillow, a half-eaten bowl of cereal on the table.

“Hey,” I said.

He lowered the volume. “What are you doing here?” When he looked at my face, his expression dropped. I didn’t need a mirror to know I looked like hell.

“Let’s just say you were right. Joe’s an ass, and you will never see him again.”

I didn’t want to go into detail. So I figured I would throw him a bone and when I was ready to talk, we could do it over a batch of cookies.

“Hate to say I told you so.”

“No you don’t. You’re loving every second of it.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not. I don’t like to see you hurting.”

“I’ll get over it.”

“And what about Zach?”

Just hearing his name sent me into a rush of unexpected tears.

“Liz, come on. Don’t cry. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“I love him.”

“Then be with him.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Josh looked up at me, eyebrow cocked. “Why can’t it be?”

“What if . . .” A burn rose in my throat, and my words faltered.

Josh spoke for me. “What if he disappears again? Disappoints you?”

I couldn’t talk, so I nodded.

“I don’t know. I don’t have that answer. But what I do know is that it sucks to lose someone you love. But you’ve got a second chance. Not many people get that.”

Good advice. But coming from Josh, it wasn’t as impactful. He was with a different girl every time I went to see him. And every time he came to see me, he lip-locked with total strangers. His intentions were good, but he didn’t really get it and because he’d never had his heart broken, I didn’t expect him to.

“You’d be crazy not to jump on that,” he said, and if I was not mistaken there was something more than sympathy in his gaze. Regret, maybe.

“And what do you know about love?”

“There are some things you don’t know about me, little sis.”

I turned a curious eye on Josh.

“Who is it?” By the sadness that crept into his eyes, I knew the question should’ve been, who was it? “Kim from high school?”

“No, definitely not Kim.”

“Then who?” I was confused—Josh was the ultimate player. Even back in high school he never had a steady girlfriend, unless he wanted to call the craziness with Kim a relationship. He changed girls more than Sadie rearranged her closet.

He pushed his thumb into the spot between his eyes, as if rubbing would get rid of whatever was going on in his head. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Fine, then you’re not allowed to have any of my cookies ever again.”

“You’re back to baking?”

I smiled at the thought of cracking eggs and turning a bunch of ingredients into something delicious. “Yeah, I think I am.”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Fine.”

“Wow, it must be pretty scandalous if you’re willing to give up my cookies.”

“Not scandalous. I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe one day?” I asked, made even more curious about this undiscovered part of my brother.

“Maybe.”

All those times he’d tried to help me after Zach and I broke up and I told him he didn’t understand. But he did.

“So what are you going to do?”

I looked at my brother, his leg propped on a pillow. I could have lost him. If things were different, our conversation might never have happened. The thought had my already heightened emotions spinning out of control.

I was lucky. My brother was still with me. While so many people were burying their loved ones, I was getting advice from mine.

And while I had a lot to think about, a lot to deal with when I walked out that door, I wasn’t going anywhere.

I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table and smiled. “I’m going to watch TV with my brother.”

Whoever said you can’t go home again obviously had nothing to go home to. Going home filled me with strength and instilled serenity within me. It gave me what I needed to finally stop hiding.

I still had no idea what I was going to say to Zach, but it didn’t matter. I needed to see him. I needed to hear his voice and maybe then the words would come. Maybe then, everything I had felt for the past few months would turn into words and I would finally be able to stop hiding behind the past.

The past wasn’t what was preventing Zach and me from being together. I was the one preventing it. I was scared to see what had been between us from the minute I spotted him on the football field.

Zach and I always made sense. He knew it. Josh knew it. Sadie knew it. Everyone did. I was the only one trying to pretend we didn’t.

I feared him because he was capable of breaking my heart, but wasn’t that what love was? If a person can’t shatter your heart into a million pieces, then you don’t really love them. Do you?

I thought I loved Joe. I convinced myself I loved Joe, but if I had really loved him, finding out he slept with Charlie would have broken me. It didn’t. It angered me, but more for my own stupidity than anything else.

I never opened myself up to love Joe. He might have used me, but I used him too. I used him to get over Zach. And then when I thought I was over Zach, I still used him. I used him to hide from reality and to avoid facing my biggest fear.

Love. True, heartbreaking love.

I was done hiding. I was ready to take a risk again. I was ready to make the dreams of my past be the reality of my future.

Just not right that minute. After all my crying, I needed to go back to my apartment, shower, and start over with a fresh slate.

Sadie’s car wasn’t in her spot, which meant she was still out with Matt. I pulled into my space and headed inside.