Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

Zach cleaned up our baking mess while I showered. He had even bought me a cute pajama set with pink flannel pants and a pink tank top. He got it all right. I still hadn’t even thanked him. But how was I supposed to? He went above and beyond with everything. A single word seemed pointless.

I pulled the pajama pants on and my mind drifted to that day when I woke to find Zach on the couch with Josh. It seemed like forever ago. I laughed at the thought of being mortified at my appearance. If I only knew then Zach would see me snot all over, I could have saved myself a lot of useless humiliation.

Zach was already set up on the floor when I emerged from the bathroom. Guilt poked at me like a nagging kid trying to get my attention. I ignored it. I couldn’t deny everything he had done but that didn’t mean I was going to let him in bed with me.

“Better?” he asked as I crossed the room and crawled into the bed.

“Better. You need another blanket or pillow?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Okay, goodnight then.” I reached over and turned the light off.

“Goodnight.”

Sleep sounded good. It was exactly what I needed, but as soon as the light turned off in the room, the one in my head sparked on. A million thoughts ran in circles in my brain and no matter how many times I tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn them off.

The woman from the hospital popped back into my head, and I relived the whole heartbreaking moment over and over again. I wondered if there was something I could have done. If I should have reached out to her? Spoken to her? Hugged her? There had to have been something I could have done. Anything. I didn’t notice the tears that slipped down my cheek. And didn’t even know I was crying until I felt Zach’s weight on the bed.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, moving closer to me.

“I know. I just can’t stop crying.” I swiped at the tears, willing them to disappear.

“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.

I moved until my back was pressed against his bare chest. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closely into him. His body was warm and his presence made me feel safe. I knew he would protect me from any nightmares.

I focused on the warmth of his skin. The feel of his hand on my stomach and the smell of his cologne. Anything to keep the visions away. To keep me safe in my own mind.

“Zach,” I said, so low I wasn’t sure if I said it aloud or in my head.

“Yeah?” His breath was hot against my ear. I could smell mint from the toothpaste.

“Thanks.” Even if it was a pointless, the simple word needed to be said.

“Don’t mention it. Now try to go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere. And if you still need to cry, that’s okay too.” His arm tightened around my waist.

But my tears had dried. The urge to cry hadn’t rushed over me since Zach pulled me close. As long as he was there, I didn’t need to anymore. I turned in his arms to face him.

“I’m done crying,” I said with defiance.

“Good. Because I meant it when I said I hate seeing you cry. Makes me feel helpless, and I don’t like to be helpless.”

“You’re not,” I said, wiping away the last remains of tears from my cheeks.

“I felt like I was all day,” he said. “I wanted to make the tears stop. I wanted to take your pain away. Seeing you upset made me sick. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” His fingers moved across my forehead, tucking away the hair covering my face.

“I had you to go through it with. You made it better in a way that only you could have.” He didn’t respond with words. He kissed the top of my head and held me.

He could have made a move on me, taken total advantage of the situation. I was vulnerable. I wouldn’t have pushed him away or tried to stop him.

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, because he was Zach. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, he cared about me. Just as I cared about him.

I awoke to Zach’s phone playing a horrendous noise that could only be from one of his video games. His arm still draped over me. He hadn’t let me go once through the whole night and I didn’t have one nightmare.

“Zach,” I said turning to get his attention when suddenly I felt something poke me in the back. “Oh my God!” I jumped from the bed. “Zach! What the hell!”

“What?” he asked in a sleepy and, I’m ashamed to admit, very sexy state.

I directed my eyes down.

“What?” he looked down at his boxer shorts then back at me, a cocky smile settling on his face. “It’s morning wood. It happens.”

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and stomped over to his phone and threw it at his head. His reflexes were good for someone who had just woken up and he caught it before it hit. “Your phone was ringing.”

He took the phone in his hand and scrolled to the missed calls. It was probably Tanya. Where had that come from? It was probably his mom.

“It was your parents. They left a message.” He held the phone to his ear.

“Why do they keep calling you and not me?” I asked but he ignored me as he listened intently.

He continued to listen as I paced back and forth. I hated that I couldn’t hear my parents’ voices on the other end and I really hated that every time I asked him what they were saying he waved his hand at me to shut up. Mom used to do that to me when I was a kid, and it drove me crazy. But this time it was worse because I knew what they were saying was important, and I just wanted to know what it was. I tried to ask again but I got another wave of the hand.

Finally, he hung up and dropped the phone on the nightstand.

“So?” I threw my hands up, waiting for his response.

“They got a flight. They’re boarding in fifteen minutes. They’ll be landing here by noon.”

“Do we need to pick them up?” I asked, happy I would finally get to see them, but not thrilled it would take longer to get back to Josh.

“They’re renting a car when they land. And they have been calling you. They said it keeps going to voicemail.”

“What do you mean it keeps going to voicemail?” I reached into my purse and searched for my cell phone. It had a tendency to slip to the bottom. When I couldn’t find it there, I dumped the contents out on the floor.

“Where is it? It has to be here somewhere.” I could feel my patience waning. Zach must have heard it in my voice because he slid to the edge of the bed.

“When was the last time you had it?”

“Stay away from me with that thing,” I said, moving farther away from him.

“Really? Are you five? Like I said, it happens—get over it.”

“Whatever.” I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but my cell phone was my link to the outside world. Who else had been trying to call me? Sadie? Prof. Mulligan? Joe? I didn’t call anybody when I found out. Zach was the only person other than my parents who knew where I was.

Sadie must have been freaking out. I didn’t even leave a note. And Joe must have been wondering where I was and if I was okay. I hadn’t even thought to call him. He had to be worried.

But even when I did find my phone, I was a bit nervous to talk to him. I’d just shared a bed with another guy. Not like anything happened, but still. I had looked for comfort from another guy—not him, my boyfriend.

I didn’t have time to think about it right now though. I would worry about it later. I had a bigger problem on hand—where the hell was my cell phone?

I picked up my planner and threw it behind me, followed by my makeup bag and sunglasses. I was about to toss my keys when Zach grabbed my hand.

“Calm down for two seconds and think. When was the last time you remember having it?”

“I don’t know.” I tried to pull my hand out of his grip, but I was no match for his strength.

“Think,” he said calmly. His tone helped me focus. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and searched my brain.

“I had it at school and when I got home,” I recalled.

“Okay, and after that?”

“I started watching TV and that’s when I saw the news. I panicked, grabbed my phone and dialed Josh’s number. When he didn’t answer I dropped the phone.”

“Did you pick it back up?” he asked.

“No.” I closed my eyes, remembering the moment my phone fell. “No, I didn’t. It’s in a bowl of milk on my coffee table.”

“Good place for it,” Zach said.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, we can’t cry over spilt milk, now can we?” I shook my head at his poor attempt at humor.

“You’re an ass.” I pushed his shoulder, and our eyes caught. Suddenly it was as if the hotel room didn’t exist and we had been transported two years back in time to my bedroom.

His hair was different now and he was no longer that lanky, slightly awkward boy, but his eyes still held that same dark intensity. What I wouldn’t give for us to actually go back in time. Things were simpler then. Less complicated.

His eyes, filled with familiar desire, willed me towards him. His hand reached for my face, cupping my cheek as I moved closer. As my eyes began to close, I felt Zach’s hand holding me in place instead of guiding me to him.

“We should really get going,” he said, hanging his head down so when I opened my eyes I was looking at nothing but hair. It took a second for the words to sink in. To understand the ultimate burn he just bestowed upon me.

“Of course we should.” I jumped away, mortified, and not only because I obviously still wanted him, but because he obviously didn’t still want me.

He was the one that stopped calling. He was the one who hadn’t wanted to be with me. What made me think time would change anything? I was still the girl getting burned by the guy who never loved me as much I loved him.