Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually there was a knock at my door. It was all so surreal. At first I didn’t even hear it, but whoever was there was determined to get in. I placed the bowl on the coffee table and opened the door in a zombie-like state.

“I just heard the news. I came straight here. Have you heard from him?” Zach’s hands rested on my shoulders. My eyes burned. My heart raced. I couldn’t move.

“Lizzie?”

His voice traveled through me, getting lost in the numbness of my mind.

“Lizzie! Snap out of it.” My eyes widened. My vision cleared.

“He’s not answering his phone,” I said.

“Jeez,” Zach said. “Come on, get inside. Have you called your parents yet?”

“I don’t know what to do.” My head snapped up. “What if he was shot? What if he’s dead?” The numbness passed as panic set in. Hot, salty tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. My back fell against the wall and my body slumped to the floor.

Dead.

I didn’t want to think the possibility. I didn’t want to face it. The thoughts weighed heavy on my head until it fell forward into my arms. My body rocked back and forth uncontrollably, tears burned, the room spun, and I felt like I was falling.

“Zach . . . I can’t do this. I can’t do it alone. Don’t leave me.”

Warm, strong arms wrapped around me. His hand ran soft strokes down the back of my hair as he whispered in my ear, “I’m not going anywhere.” With all the energy I could muster I looked up at him. I had only seen him like this once before: on the day he sat with me for hours in the kitchen after my grandfather passed away.

Through blurry eyes I could see concern had overtaken his face. He didn’t know what to do any more than I did.

Everything that happened next was a blur, the actions melting through my mind like Dali’s clocks. Zach walked me back to the couch. He assured me everything was going to be okay, but I knew they were just words.

He pulled me close again, tucking my hair behind my ear before grabbing the cordless phone and disappearing into the kitchen.

I didn’t want to look at the TV, but at the same time my eyes were drawn to the chaos on the screen. Replays of officers surrounding the building, bodies wrapped in black bags being carried out on stretchers, yellow police tape, and people crying.

Everyone was crying.

The video shrank to a small box at the bottom of the screen and a reporter began to speak. “The shootings took place in the Kramer Science Building on the west side of the campus. It is believed the first shot occurred around one fifteen.”

I went to breathe in, but my breath got stuck in my throat. My teeth chattered. My nose twitched. My body became stiff. And the tears spilled out.

The science building.

No!

Josh had told me he had a science test. That’s why he left so early. Not because he wanted to avoid seeing me. He left because he had a test in the afternoon. With the party, he hadn’t had time to study. He was going back to his dorm to study for a few hours before he had to be in class for . . .

His science test.

I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my core. I knew without a doubt that Josh was in the building when the shooter fired. Whether he was hit or not I wasn’t sure. But I knew he had been there.

My heart pounded against my chest. The sounds from the television disappeared. All I could hear were my thoughts. Every worst-case scenario ran through my head, the images stamping themselves deep into my mind.

“No, you don’t understand—this is an emergency.” Zach’s voice was the only thing breaking through my thoughts. He shouldn’t have been the one trying to reach my parents. I should have been calling them. Tracking them down.

They trusted me. This was my responsibility. If something happened to Josh, my family would crumble. Mom would never be the same. Dad would never be the same. I would never be the same.

I was never a religious person. I wasn’t raised going to church, but in that moment I needed something to hold on to. I needed hope. I needed a reason to believe miracles happened. I needed to believe my brother was not one of the seventeen injured, or worse, one of the six dead. Even if my gut told me otherwise.

“Yes, sir. Absolutely.” Zach’s voice entered my thoughts again. He sounded relieved. I could have gotten up. I could have walked into my bedroom to listen more closely to his conversation. Found out whom he was talking to. But I couldn’t move. My body was still numb. My legs felt like cinder blocks, holding me in place.

“She’s here. We’re at her place. No, she’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” He continued to talk. “Yes, sir, absolutely. You’re welcome.” His voice faltered and I was left with nothing to hold on to.

I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together. I owed it to my brother to be strong. He was always the strong one. I had always relied on him, but I needed to be a team player.

Zach knelt in front of me. “Liz.”

I tried to break through the numbness that consumed me. Tried to be strong, but I couldn’t speak.

“Lizzie.”

Hearing him say my name as only he said it gave me the strength I needed to fight the fear consuming me. Zach wasn’t going anywhere. He would be there to catch me if I fell.

“Yeah?” The word came out much softer than I intended but it came out.

“Your parents weren’t answering their phone, so I called the cruise line, but they were no help. I tried your parents’ cell phones again, and I finally got your dad. He was on the phone with the police.” Reflexively I grabbed Zach’s arm and waited for the words that had potential to break me.

All the pent up anger and regret I had towards Zach did not exist in that moment. He was all I had. I wanted him to say it fast. Get it over with. Like ripping off a Band-aid.

“Josh is alive, but he did get hit.” My grip tightened around Zach’s arm. If I was hurting him he didn’t show it.

Josh wasn’t dead, but he was one of the seventeen injured. How bad were his injuries? He’s alive, but was he going to be okay?

“Liz, listen to me.” Zach placed his hand on my shoulder. “He was shot in the leg and the bullet hit an artery, so they have to do emergency surgery. That’s all your dad could find out. He’s at Springfield Memorial Hospital. Your parents are trying to get a flight out of the Caribbean—that’s why your mom wasn’t answering. She’s on the phone with the airport. Liz, your parents aren’t here. You need to go and be there for him.”

Immediately, I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and headed to the door. But as quickly as my hand gripped the doorknob, it was pulled away.

“Where are you going?” Zach walked in front of me, blocking my exit.

“To the hospital,” I said with no emotion in my tone. I was like a robot going through the motions.

“Liz, you can’t drive.”

“I have to. I need to get there. Josh has always been there for me.” I tried to push past him, but he was much stronger than me. He didn’t budge.

“I’m not arguing that, but we want you to get there in one piece. We don’t need you lying in a bed next to him.” Zach took my chin in his hand. “I’m driving.”

“What about Mimi? I don’t know when we’ll be back. You can’t leave her alone.”

“I already called the facility and spoke with Cheryl,” he said, releasing my chin. “It’s taken care of.”

“Are you sure? What if—?”

“Lizzie, we’re not playing the ‘what if’ game right now. Grab what you need and let’s go.”

Any other day I would have fought him, but I was emotionally drained and too exhausted to argue. So I did as he said. There was nothing in the house that I needed, though. What I needed was two and a half hours away.

I needed to see my brother.

Light turned to dark. My numbness was turning into panic. My brother had been shot. He could have been killed. The thought of Josh lying in a pool of his own blood sent my leg into spasms.

“Lizzie, he’s going to be okay.” Zach’s hand rested on my knee. The warmth from his skin and the tenderness in his touch brought the shaking to a halt.

“I know.” I didn’t, but I needed to believe it was the truth.

“Then relax. He’s in the best place he can be right now. They’ll take care of him.”

As true as it was, the people at that hospital were still total strangers. My brother was getting rushed into emergency surgery and there was not a familiar face with him.

“I could have lost him,” I said, struggling to get the words out.

“But you didn’t.”

“But what if I had? What if he was one of the six dead? What would I have done? He’s my brother, Zach. My only brother. It’s always been me and him.”

Streams of tears rushed down my cheeks. I thought I’d pulled myself together, I thought I was okay, but in the back of my mind the fear of losing him was still there. I didn’t know the extent of his injuries—for all I knew, he might not be alive by the time I got to the hospital.

The Jeep swerved. Up until that point I had been unaware of the passing cars, completely oblivious to the fact we were even in a vehicle, but the sound of horns sent my attention to Zach.

What the hell was he doing?

The left lane moved farther away as Zach maneuvered three lanes over, pulled onto the shoulder of the highway, and threw the Jeep in park.

I couldn’t form words. All I could do was stare. Had he completely lost his mind?

“Come here,” he said but I continued to stare. Tears spilled from my cheeks onto my jeans. His arm reached out to me and it was all the invitation I needed. I fell against him, needing to be comforted in a way only he could manage.