Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

Vicky squeezed Professor Mulligan’s hand and wiped away a tear.

My eyes went back to the water. Another wave crashed down on Tanya, the white wash throwing Zach another foot away. He reached out to her, and she dove towards him. I sucked in a breath as she pushed his head under. My heart raced in fear as another wave crashed down. Where the hell was he? I was ready to strip my clothes off and dive in to rescue him when his head resurfaced.

I couldn’t help clapping as he motioned to Tanya to jump on his back and began to swim towards the shore.

He reached the sand and with his arms wrapped around her waist he dragged her ashore. The group circled around them.

Vicky dropped to her knees and flung her arms around Tanya.

“Are you okay?” Professor Mulligan asked and Vicky pulled away.

“That was freaking awesome,” Chris said and patted Zach on the back.

He didn’t acknowledge anyone. His eyes focused on Tanya. He gripped her chin in his hand just like he’d gripped mine earlier. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded, then burst into tears. Her scrawny arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him close. Too close.

Seeing Zach with Tanya’s head pressed into the crook of his neck pulled at the sixteen-year-old girl inside of me, the one who had never fully let go. The one who was still in love with him.

After my moment of insanity thinking I was still in love with Zach, I made an effort to return to dreaming of Joe and how amazing our first time was going to be. How it was going to change our relationship, make us stronger than ever, and how my feelings for him would only deepen.

The weekend could not arrive soon enough.

Each time I kissed Joe, I thought about that night with frustrated anticipation. I hadn’t told him. I figured it would be that much better if he didn’t know until the minute it happened.

I had set the date. Josh would arrive Friday. The party would be Saturday night. Josh would be back on the road early Monday morning, and by Tuesday I would no longer be a virgin. It was about time. I was sick of being the only one left.

Just thinking about it gave me butterflies in my stomach combined with an awkward feeling of giddiness that made me want to randomly start clapping to myself. I refrained.

In all my planning and plotting, I only thought of the positives. A possible negative never crossed my mind. I should have known right then and there that nothing goes according to plan. But still, I never would have guessed the bitch slap that life had waiting for me.

On Friday, I called my parents to wish them a safe trip.

“Kiss Josh for me. I can’t believe I’m not going to be there for one of his visits. You’ll help him with his laundry, right?” Mom asked.

“I told him to do his laundry at his own place. And no I will not kiss him for you.” I scrunched my nose. “Have fun.”

With that, Mom told me she loved me and hung up.

Josh wasn’t arriving until later that night, so I grabbed my books and headed for the campus library. I had to write a critical essay on The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco for my history class. We had to cite five sources, two of which could not be internet-based. To the library it was.

I pulled into the parking lot and headed down the path towards the library. I texted Joe, but didn’t hear back from him. I assumed he wouldn’t make it to his one p.m. class.

A guy and girl I had never seen before walked by me and the guy called over his shoulder, “Can’t wait for the party tomorrow!”

This had been happening all week. People I’d never met, coming up to me and telling me they’d see me at my party. That was life on a college campus, but I was starting to worry my apartment wouldn’t be large enough to house all these people.

Luckily, Sadie had talked with the neighbors on either side of us and they were going to leave their doors open. The one good thing about living in an apartment building so close to campus was that most people in the building were college students.

I heard a giggle to my left, and I turned to see Zach leaning against a tree and Tanya resting her hand on his chest. I stopped walking, my eyes fixated on them.

Her attempts at flirting were a little too aggressive if you asked me, but Zach didn’t seem to mind. He looked content and made no effort to move her hand, laughing easily at something she said. The urge to stomp over there and pry her off him was strong, but I had no right. Despite my momentary lapse in sanity that day on the beach he didn’t belong to me anymore. He was single. Free. Able to do as he pleased. And Tanya had every right to pursue him.

Before they could see me stalking them, I continued back on the path, but it was too late. My name floated across the quad, and I was caught.

I glanced back at Zach. He waved at me, said something to Tanya and called out, “Wait up!” as he ran towards me.

If I was in the English building, I would’ve dived back into the girls’ bathroom and pretended I didn’t see him. But I was in the open with nowhere to hide. Not to mention it hadn’t really worked out for me the first time around. So I stood there and waited.

Zach’s long legs carried him across the lawn with ease. A smile was plastered across his face, which probably meant he’d stopped by to see Mimi this morning and she had been having a good day. The thought made me smile. God, I hoped he didn’t think I was smiling at him.

His lip quirked up at the side. “Happy to see me?”

Damn him! I went to toss out a comment that would spiral us into our usual sarcastic banter when he took my books out of my hand. “What are you doing?”

“Carrying your books for you. Where we headed? The library?”

I went to take my books back, but he pulled his arms away. Muscles tightened under his shirt as he hugged the books to his chest.

“We’re not going anywhere,” I said. “I’m going to the library.”

“I don’t have a class right now. I’ll walk you.”

It was like high school all over again. He would wait for me outside of my classroom and after we passed each other our notes, he’d take my books and walk me to my next class.

“It’s not necessary. I’m capable of walking and carrying my own books.”

“I never said you weren’t. So, what’s going on at the library?” He fell into step beside me, completely changing the subject.

“Nothing. I have a paper to write.”

He looked down at my book. “The Name of the Rose. Have you read it?”

“Half of it.”

“Pretty awful, isn’t it?”

“The worst. I fell asleep reading it the other night. I can’t go a page without my eyes glossing over.”

“I had to read it a few months ago,” he said. “I can fill you in on the rest. I have the movie, too. I bought it online thinking it’d be easier than reading. It wasn’t. But I’d be willing to lend it to you if you wanted.”

My ears perked up, and I stopped, grabbing his elbow. “There’s a movie?” He nodded, and I wanted to jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. “That is the best thing I’ve heard all week.”

“Tell you what. Go to the library, check out the books you need and meet me at my place in an hour. We can watch it and then if you want, I can help you with your paper.”

“Really? You said the movie was bad. You’d sit through it again?”

“For you? You know I would.”

I don’t know what came over me. The relief of knowing there was a movie, the excitement of not having to read the book, my anticipation for the upcoming weekend. Whatever it was, I can honestly say it took over my body. I jumped up and kissed Zach on the cheek, circling my arms around his neck.

As soon as my arms linked, I realized my mistake. His spicy scent filled my head, his warmth wrapped around me like a comforting blanket and I was lost in familiar memories.

Zach hovered over me, my back pressed into the softness of my mattress while Titanic played in the background. He always let me pick the movies, but that was because we barely ever watched them.

The ship hadn’t even set sail when Zach had crawled on top of me and started raining kisses down the side of my neck.

Popcorn sat uneaten on my nightstand—as far as my parents knew we were settled in watching a movie. If they opened the door, Zach would never be allowed in my bedroom again.

I had flipped the lock on my door even though I was told not to. Oops.

My hands travelled up Zach’s face, running through his hair. I pulled his head to mine and pressed my mouth to his, trailing my tongue along his mouth. His lips parted, allowing our tongues to meet.

I rose up, pressing my hips to his. He was hard against me and I wondered what it would be like to go all the way. I ran my hands under his shirt, warmth radiating off his skin and warming me all over.

I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. He kissed my nose and drew back looking into my eyes. “We should slow down,” he said.

I knew he didn’t want to stop, but I also knew that he thought I wasn’t ready. Whenever we got too hot and heavy, he always showed unbelievable restraint and pulled away. But I wanted him. Needed him. I was so sure I was ready.

“Don’t stop,” I whispered. I leaned up and drew him back to me.

“Are you sure?” he asked, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I nodded, completely certain I was ready. His mouth crushed into mine and I lifted, allowing him to pull my shirt over my head. He kissed a path down my neck into the rise of my breasts.