“It’s about, like . . . the past,” Joe said. I nodded as if his answer made me understand completely.

Charlie put her pen down. “It’s about how things change and how at one point in time you think this is it, this is my life, but what you don’t realize is that it’s just one moment and while you’re thinking that, your life is already changing. If that even makes sense. Once you hear the lyrics it’ll make more sense.” Thank God for Charlie. Even if it wasn’t completely understandable, it was better than what Joe gave me.

“Awesome,” Sadie said, in between glances at Matt.

“With Zach here, and how you guys all knew him in high school,” Scott said, “it had us all reminiscing about old times, and it kind of just hit us.”

“Where is he anyway?” The question came out involuntarily, so I ran my fingers through my hair and played it off like it was just a passing thought.

“He said something about his grandma. She was having a bad day or something like that, so he had to stay with her,” Matt said as he rested his arm across the back of Sadie’s chair.

What was a bad day for Mimi like? Even though Zach had kind of filled me in, I didn’t know anybody else with dementia. All I had to go on was what I’d seen on TV and in the movies.

The conversation drifted back to the song in progress, but my thoughts stayed on Zach. Was he okay? Was Mimi okay? Should I call him and see if he needed anything? Then again, I didn’t have his number, though I still had Mimi’s old one permanently engraved in my memory. Josh would have Zach’s cell number.

Not that I would call him. First off, it was well after ten p.m. and secondly, Zach’s life wasn’t my concern anymore.

When Tessa the big-haired waitress appeared, I pushed away the thoughts of Mimi and I ordered a plate of curly fries.

* * *

An hour later Sadie and Matt were talking in the parking lot, and I took Joe up on his offer to drive me home. I was pretty much jumping at any chance we could get alone. These days, it was all about the band.

“I missed you,” I said when he put the car in drive.

“I saw you yesterday, and we just spent like two hours together.” He looked at me like I had two heads.

I trailed my finger along his jaw line. “I don’t mean like that.” A knowing look flashed in his eyes.

“Your place or mine?” he asked, giving me a devious look.

“I was thinking somewhere with a view.” I didn’t have to say anything else. Joe took the first right turn and headed down to the ocean.

Before he got so caught up in the band, we used to spend a lot of time down at the shoreline, intertwined with each other. I missed those days.

As soon as he put the car in park, I pulled my seat belt off and kicked my leg over the console so that I was straddling him. The seat tilted back as our lips touched.

It felt like an eternity since Joe and I had been alone, and I was ready to take full advantage of the situation. But when his hand slid to the button of my jeans and his fingers worked to release it, I panicked.

“I have my period!” I blurted out and flung my body back with such force the steering wheel jammed into my back.

“Huh?” Joe looked up at me with make out-hazy eyes.

“I, uh, have my period.” Which wasn’t true.

“That’s okay. We could do other stuff.” He shifted beneath me, and I heard the sound of his zipper.

“That’s not what I had in mind either,” I said, trying to rub away the throbbing pain in my back.

“Then why’d you want to come here?” he asked, as if he was annoyed our night would only consist of kissing.

“Because we’ve barely spent any time together and I just wanted to be with you. God, it’s as if kissing me isn’t good enough.” I flung myself back into the passenger seat and turned my focus to the darkness outside my window.

“Liz, I never said that.” His voice, tight with frustration, made the air thick with tension.

“You didn’t have to. I know that’s what you’re thinking,” I snapped.

“So you’re a mind reader now?”

I looked at him with my don’t-start-with-me-look, but he instantly shot back his you’re-being-ridiculous look.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just got the impression you wanted to do a little more. I didn’t mean anything by it. Hey.” He reached out and ran his finger down the outline of my jaw. “You know I love you, right?”

I let the corner of my mouth begin to lift, and as my eyes met his, the other side lifted as well. He did love me, and I was being ridiculous. I had only myself to blame.

“Come here,” he said as he lifted his arm up for me. I fell right into the curve of his body. He pressed a kiss to my head, and we spent the rest of the time in each other’s arms. We talked about the band, his drum lessons, school and whatever else came to mind.

It was perfect.

Exactly what I needed.

Joe dropped me off shortly after midnight. I could’ve invited him up to stay the night, but I didn’t want to give him false hope after the earlier incident.

I had just gotten inside when my phone beeped. I reached into my bag and checked the text.

Liz, it’s Zach. Call me. It’s important.

I stared at it for five minutes, then another five. I stared at it until the letters bled together.

I was over-thinking it. All I had to do was hit “Call.” He said it was important.

“Hello”

The words froze in my throat.

“Lizzi . . . Liz, is that you?”

“Yeah it’s me. What’s up? Everything okay? Is it Mimi?”

“Can I come by?” My stomach clenched at his tone. “Please?”

Normally I would have said no, but the desperation in his voice made me say yes. It was a tone I rarely heard. The last time I heard it, he was telling me his dad took the transfer and he was leaving. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been good.

“Sadie’s sleeping. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

I waited ten minutes, and then I snuck out of the apartment, not wanting to wake Sadie and have her interrogate me.

On the far end of the parking lot by the streetlight, Zach sat hunched over on the hood of his Jeep. His head rested in his hands, his hair was messy like the old Zach, and even though his muscles were visible beneath his thermal shirt he looked small. Smaller than I ever remembered.

He wasn’t looking at me, but I slowed my pace. How was I supposed to approach him? Announce myself, place my hand on his knee or just jump up on the hood of the Jeep?

The sound of my feet hitting the pavement disrupted the quiet night and Zach lifted his eyes to me.

“Hey,” he said and by the way his lips only curved slightly it was obvious he was trying to put on a happy face.

“Hey,” I said back.

I didn’t intend for it to be awkward, but it was. Really awkward. There was something wrong. He was hurting. But what was I supposed to do? In the past I would’ve wrapped my arms around him and comforted him until he was ready to speak. But that was something I could no longer do. I pulled myself up onto the Jeep and sat beside him.

“I didn’t know who else to call. I just feel comfortable talking to you and you’re a good listener. You always knew the right things to say.”

As his words tumbled out, I decided to stop thinking and just go with it. Friends didn’t need to overanalyze everything. They didn’t need to think about what they’re going to say. They just let it happen.

“Hit me with it,” I said as his big brown eyes looked up at me. His mouth parted and I braced for the words. But he didn’t say anything. He fumbled with his hands instead. “Come on. You just told me how I’m a good listener, so give me something to work with. Is it Mimi?”

He nodded, sadness pooling in his eyes. “It’s pretty bad. She’s healthy, you know. Her blood pressure is perfect. She could probably outrun me and our entire writing class, but that doesn’t mean anything because her mind is going. What is any of that stuff without her mind?

“Anyway, it started this morning. She kept telling me to get ready because my father was coming home, and if I wasn’t ready by the time he got home we weren’t going out to dinner.”

“That doesn’t seem so bad,” I said.

“True, except she thought I was my Dad and she was referring to my dead grandfather.”

“Jesus.”

“Tell me about it.” Zach closed his eyes and rubbed at the center of his forehead.

“But you said she has her good and bad days,” I said, trying to find the light in the tunnel, “and today was just one of her bad days.”

“But her bad days used to be fewer and farther between. It was glimpses of the disease, not an all-day battle with it. It’s just tearing me apart because there’s nothing I can do. I’m helpless.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” I inched closer. “You spent the entire day with her. You could have gone out with us tonight, but you didn’t. You stayed with Mimi. That’s not helpless. That’s selfless.”

“Still,” he said, “I can’t stop the spells, can’t stop the disease from progressing and pretty soon she won’t even know who I am.” He moved his hand from his forehead to run his fingers through his hair.

Zach was always good at holding himself together, letting things roll off, but this was different.

I felt like him. Helpless.

There was nothing I could say. Nothing I could do. So I did the only thing I could do.

I held him.

Chapter 10

I didn’t bring up the night Zach and I spent on the hood of his Jeep and neither did he. It was as if it never happened. I preferred it that way. It just made things easier for me. For both of us.