However, I was interested to see how he behaved with Leicester, and whether he would betray anything. I was sure that he would make a tremendous effort not to. And since he was to leave for the Netherlands with Leicester, I told myself, there could be no immediate repetition of the incident. But I was wrong.

The Queen was determined that Leicester should not spend his last night in England with me. I thought at least he would do that and was expecting him to come to Leicester House. He did not come. Instead, a messenger arrived with the news that the Queen insisted he remain at Court as she had much to discuss with him. I knew, of course, that she was showing me that, although I was his wife, it was she who had first call on his services. I was angry and frustrated. I hated his going. I suppose in my heart I still loved him, still wanted him. I knew then that there could never be anyone in my life to take his place. I was sick with frustrated jealousy when I thought of those two together. She would doubtless dance into the early hours of the morning, and he would be there offering her those sickening compliments, telling her how wretched he was to leave her. And she would listen, her head on one side, her hawk's eyes soft ... believing her Sweet Robin, her Eyes, the only man she could ever love.

It had been a cold December day but the weather could not be more wretched than my mood. I decided I was a fool. To hell with Elizabeth, I said to myself. To hell with Leicester. I ordered my servants to make a good fire in my bedroom and when it was warm and cozy I sent for Christopher.

He was so young, so naive, so inexperienced. I knew he adored me and his adoration was salve to my wounded vanity. I could not bear that his opinion of me should change so I told him I had sent for him to assure him that he must feel no guilt for what had happened. It had come upon us spontaneously before we had had time to realize what we were doing. It must never happen again of course, and we must forget it had.

He said what I expected him to. He would do all I asked of him except forget. That was something he could never do. It had been the most wonderful experience of his life, and he would remember it always.

The young are so charming, I thought. I understood why the Queen was so fond of them. Their innocence refreshes us, renews our faith in life. Christopher's rapture brought him near to idolatry, and this did much to restore my belief in my power to attract, which, because of Leicester's eagerness to leave me for the glory of the Netherlands, I had begun to doubt.

I took my leave of Christopher—or pretended to, as I fully intended that he should stay the night. I placed my hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the lips. Of course that was the tinder to the flame.

He was charmingly full of apologies, believing that he was to blame, which was so appealing.

I sent him off before the dawn and he went saying that if he died in battle in the Netherlands, would I honor him by remembering that he could never have loved anyone but me if he had lived to be a hundred?

Dear Christopher! Death seemed glorious at that moment, I was sure. He saw himself dying for the Protestant faith with my name on his lips.

It was very romantic and charming, and I had enjoyed the episode. I wondered why I had denied myself so long.

They left the next day, Leicester taking his farewell of the Queen and placing himself at the head of the party which also contained my lover and my son.

I heard later that they were lavishly entertained at Colchester, and the following day went to Harwich, where a fleet of fifty sail was waiting to take them across to Flushing.

Robert wrote to me in great exultation, telling me of the tumultuous welcome he had received everywhere, for the people regarded him as their savior. At Rotterdam, where it was dark when the fleet arrived, Dutchmen lined the bank, every fourth man holding aloft a fiery cresset. The crowds cheered him and he was taken through the market place to his lodging, where a life-size statue of Erasmus had been erected. From Rotterdam he had gone to Delft, and there he lodged in the very house where the Prince of Orange had been murdered.

"The celebrations," he wrote, "grew more splendid as I passed through the country. Everywhere I was regarded as their savior."

The people, it seemed, had suffered greatly for their religion and, being in dread of defeat from the Spaniards, saw the coming of Leicester with money and men from the Queen of England as their great hope.

He had gone there to command an army, but there was no fighting at this stage. It was all celebration and what Leicester— and England—were going to do for the country. I had been somewhat surprised when the Queen had chosen Leicester for this task as he was a politician not a soldier; he had a way with words not swords. I wondered what would happen when the fighting started.

But he had his triumph first. For several weeks the revelry continued, and then came the great moment of decision. He wrote to me at once, for this was something he could not keep to himself.

"It was on the first day of January when a deputation was making its way to my lodging. I was not dressed and while my toilet was being completed one of my men told me that the ministers had come to say something to me. They were going to offer me the Generalship of the United Provinces. I was uneasy, for the Queen had sent me to fight for them and with them, not to govern them; and attractive as such an offer was, I could not accept it without consideration."

I pictured him, his eyes gleaming. Was it not what he had wanted? He had been the Queen's man for so long. Like a little dog on a chain, I had once gibed. "My sweet little creature, let me pet you ... and you may only go as far as the chain by which I hold you will allow you to."

What it must have meant to him to be offered the crown of the Netherlands!

I turned back to his letter.

"I made no answer and continued to consider the matter. You will be pleased to hear that I have made Essex General of the Horse. I spent much time listening to sermons and singing psalms, for these are a people who take their religion very seriously. Now I must tell you that I have discussed this matter with the Queen's secretary, Davison, who is here, and with Philip Sidney and they are both of the opinion that I must satisfy the people by accepting the offer. So, my dearest Lettice, I am now Governor of the United Provinces."

There was a later note.

"I have been installed at The Hague. I wish you could have seen this impressive ceremony. I sat beneath the arms of the Netherlands and England, on a chair of state, and all about me were representatives from the principal states. Thanks were given to the Queen and to me, the Lieutenant General, now Governor of the United Provinces. I took the necessary oath and swore to protect them and work for their good and that of the church. How I wish you were here! You would have been proud of me.

"Now, my dear Lettice, I want you to join me. Remember you come here as a queen. You will know how to do that. We shall live here and you will no longer be in exile as you call it. I long to see you."

I read and reread that letter. I was to go as a queen. I should be royal as she was, and beautiful as she never could be. Life was going to be exciting. I was exultant. What would she say, what would she do, when she heard that I was going to the Netherlands as Leicester's Queen?

I lost no time in beginning my preparations. I would go  as a  queen.  I  would be more splendid  than Elizabeth had ever been.

So at last I was coming to my triumph. I was realizing what it meant to be Leicester's wife. I should be Queen with no one to command me, and if it must be at The Hague instead of Greenwich and Windsor, what cared I?

Merchants came to Leicester House with the finest materials that existed. I planned my wardrobe with frantic haste and the seamstresses were busy night and day. I ordered coaches with the arms of the Netherlands entwined with those of Robert. I designed rich ornaments for myself, my companions and even the horses. I had decided to take a company of ladies and gentlemen with me. The cavalcade which rode to Harwich would excite the people of the countryside because they would never have seen anything so splendid before. What I would show them would be a hundred times more rich, more luxurious than anything the Queen had ever possessed.

Those were exciting weeks. I longed to begin my journey.

One February day, when I was in the midst of these preparations, I heard that William Davison, the Queen's secretary, who had accompanied Robert to the Netherlands, had arrived at Court to give the Queen a full account of what had happened.

Robert Governor of the United Provinces! Accepting such an office without consulting her! Taking a post which meant his living out of England! Her rage was terrible, said those who saw it.

Someone—who must have liked to ferment trouble—mentioned that Robert's Countess was also preparing to join him with the state of a queen.

How she swore! They said that her father never surpassed her in that. She swore by God's blood that she would teach Leicester and his She-Wolf a lesson. So they were playing at King and Queen, were they? She would teach them that royalty was not something to be taken up by commoners, simply because they were misguided enough to think themselves—erroneously— worthy of it!

She sent Heneage off at once. He was to go to Leicester and tell him he must arrange another ceremony. And in this he would give up his governorship and tell the people of the Netherlands that he was but a servant of the Queen of England and was now in deep disgrace for having acted without her permission. Then he could come back and kick his heels in the Tower.