Leicester said she was anxious and afraid that one day the Spaniards would come against her, and that was why she felt a campaign in the Netherlands was so important.

I knew that after the deaths of Anjou and William of Orange, deputations had come from the Netherlands offering her their crown if she would protect them. This she had shrunk from taking. She had no wish to increase her responsibilities, and she could imagine what the reaction of Spain would be if she accepted this offer. They would consider it an act of war. But this did not mean that she would not send money and men to fight in the Lowland campaign against the invading Spanish.

One afternoon Robert came to Leicester House in a state of great excitement. I heard his horse's hoofs clatter into the courtyard and I hurried down to him. I knew as soon as I saw him that something of great importance had happened.

"The Queen is sending an army to fight for the States-General," he told me breathlessly. "She has decided that she must choose its commander with great, care and send the man best suited to the task even though she would prefer to keep him at home."

"You are to lead the army, then," I replied sharply. My heart was filled with sudden anger. She would hate to lose him, but as, at the same time, she was taking him away from me, that was compensation to her. I could imagine her gloating. He is her husband but it is I who decide whether she shall be with him.

He nodded. "She was most affectionate and she even wept a little."

"Touching!" I said with a sarcasm he pretended not to notice.

"She has done me this honor. It is one of the greatest she could bestow on me."

"I am surprised that she lets you go. But at least she has the satisfaction of knowing that I, also, will be deprived of your company."

Leicester was not listening. Vain as he was, he must already be seeing himself winning honor and glory.

He did not stay long at Leicester House. She had implied that since he was soon to leave her, he was to spend as much time as possible with her before he left. With her! I thought bitterly. She was telling me that although I was his wife, she was the important woman in his life. She commanded and he obeyed and every hour he spent with her was an hour in which I could not share.

A few days later I heard that he was not to go to the Netherlands after all. The Queen was suffering from an indisposition and she felt that she had not long to live. She could not therefore allow the Earl of Leicester to leave her. They had been together too long for them to part with the thought that they might never meet again. So he must stay behind and she would consider the matter of whom to send to command the army in the Netherlands.

I was seething with rage. I was certain that all her actions were directed against me in order to humiliate me more than she had already. She said my husband must go to the Netherlands, so he prepared to go. She said he must remain and so he remained. He must be there at her command. She was so ill that she wanted him with her. If I had been ill he would have had to go. She wanted me to know that I was of little importance in his life. He would abandon me if she commanded it. How I hated her! My only consolation was that her hatred of me was equal to mine of her. And I knew that in her heart she knew that I would be the chosen one ... were it not for her crown.

It was while I was in this mood that I became an unfaithful wife. I committed the act quite deliberately. I was tired of brief visits—stolen from the Queen—as though she were his wife and I his mistress. I had braved her wrath to marry him, knowing that wrath could be relentless; and, having done that, I was not prepared to be treated in this way.

Leicester was growing old and, as I had long noticed, there were some handsome young men in his service. The Queen liked handsome young men about her, to pander to her whims, to flatter her, to do her service—well, I also liked them. I had been thinking more and more of this since I saw so little of my husband. I was still young enough to enjoy those pleasures I could share with the opposite sex. Looking back, I think perhaps I hoped Leicester would find out and then he would know that others valued me enough to risk his revenge.

At one time it had seemed that Leicester alone could please me. I wanted to prove to myself that that was no longer the case.

There was a young man in my husband's retinue—a certain Christopher Blount, a son of Lord Mountjoy—whom Leicester had made his Master of Horse. He was tall, of excellent figure and extremely handsome, fair-haired, blue-eyed with an appealing look of innocence which pleased me. I had noticed him often and I knew that he was aware of me. I would always give him Good Morrow when I passed, and he would always stand at attention and regard me with something like awe, which I found gratifying.

I made a point of speaking to him whenever I saw him, and I soon realized that he put himself in the way of being spoken to.

After I had seen him I would go to my room and think about him. I would look in the mirror and study myself critically. It seemed incredible that in five years I should be fifty. I shuddered at the thought. I should not be chary of snatching at the good things of life, for before long I should be too old to enjoy them. Previously I had always congratulated myself that the Queen was eight years older than I and Robert slightly more. But now I was seeing myself in relation to Christopher Blount. He must be twenty years my junior. Well, not only queens could play at being young. I wanted to prove to myself that I still had the power to attract. Perhaps I wanted also to be assured that Leicester was not as important to me as he had once been. If he must always be at hand to amuse the Queen, I could find amusement elsewhere. I felt in some way that I was not only scoring over Leicester but, just as important to me, over the Queen as well.

A few days later I saw Christopher in the stables and dropped a kerchief. An old trick but ever a useful one. It gave him an opportunity, and I wondered whether he would have the courage to take it. If he did, he deserved a reward, for he would know something of Leicester, and I doubted not he had read the Commonwealth. Then he would know it could be dangerous to dally with Leicester's wife.

I knew he would come.

He was at the door of my chamber holding my kerchief in his hand. I went to him, smiling, and, taking his hand, drew him into the chamber, shutting the door on us.

It was exciting, for him no less than for me. It was that element of danger which had so appealed to me in my first days with Robert. It was exhilarating to be with a young man, to know that my body was still beautiful and that my age seemed to be an additional attraction because I was so much in command of the situation and my experience filled him with wonder and respect.

Afterwards I quickly sent him away saying that it must never happen again. I knew it would, of course, but that made it more precious and exciting. He looked very serious and tragic, but I knew he would have braved the wrath of Leicester again and again rather than to have missed it.

When he had gone I laughed at myself and thought of Leicester's dancing attendance on the Queen.

"Two can play at that game, my noble Earl," I said.

The Queen had changed her mind once more. She had recovered and no one but Leicester, she had again decided, was worthy to lead the armies in the Netherlands.

He was in a state of great excitement when he came to Leicester House. He saw a wonderful future opening out before him, he told me. The crown of the Netherlands had been offered to the Queen; she would not accept it, but he saw no reason why he should not.

"How would you like to be a queen, Lettice?" he asked; and I replied that I should not refuse a crown if it were offered to me.

"Let us hope she will not stop your leaving again," I said.

"She will not," he replied. "She is eager for victory there. We need it. I promise you this: I will drive the Spaniards out of the Netherlands." He looked at me suddenly and saw the coldness in my eyes, for I was thinking how absorbed he was in his coming glory and how little concerned to leave me. But then she had seen that we had so little time together that his separation made little difference to the life we had been living for so long. He took my hands and kissed them. "Lettice," he went on, "I'm going to make it up to you. Don't think I don't understand what it has been like. I couldn't help it. It has been against my will. Understand please, my dearest."

"I understand well enough," I replied. "You had to neglect me because she wished it."

"It's true. I would to God ..."

He seized me and held me to him, but I sensed that his excitement stemmed not from his passion for me but from the contemplation of the glory that would come from the Netherlands.

Philip Sidney was going with him and he would find a place for Essex. "That will please our young Earl. You see how I care for my family."

It was going to be a triumphant march into the Netherlands. He was already planning that. Now he would see his Master of Horse, as he had much to discuss with him.

I was amused, wondering what Christopher Blount's reactions would be. There was something very innocent about Christopher, and since what I secretly referred to as "the incident" had occurred I had seen expression of many emotions on his face. There were guilt, excitement, hope, desire, shame and fear all mingling. He would be seeing himself as a villain for having seduced his master's wife. I wanted to tell him that it was I who had seduced him. He was very charming, and although I had been tempted to repeat the experience, I had not done so. I did not want to spoil it for Christopher by making it an entirely physical relationship.