"She was too young to die." It was almost a reproach. To my mother for leaving her? To God for taking her and causing sorrow to the Queen? "Catherine Knollys, how dare you leave your sovereign, who had need of you!" "Lord, why did You have to take this good servant from me?" I almost gave voice to these thoughts. Guard your tongue, I warned myself. But it was not my tongue which had brought about my exile. Indeed, Her Majesty, who spent her life among sycophants, had on occasions liked it.

"I rejoice to see Your Majesty in good health and recovered from your sickness," I said.

"Oh, they believed me to be near to death and I confess there were times when I fancied it myself."

"No, Madam, you are immortal. So must you be, for your people have need of you."

She nodded and said: "Well, Lettice. I like to see you with us. You still have some beauty left. Essex will have to do without you for a while. He is making a fair hash of things in Ireland. His judgment is not good, I fancy, but his heart is. I trust he will meet with better fortune over there. We shall be leaving Greenwich ere long."

"Your Majesty tires of the place?"

"Nay. 'Twas always a favorite. I suppose one would feel thus about one's birthplace. But I have to humor my Lord Leicester. He is in a fever of impatience to show us Kenilworth. I hear he has made it into one of the finest residences in the country. He will give me no rest until he has shown it to me."

I suddenly bent forward and, taking that most beautiful white hand in mine, I kissed it. If Robert was in a fever of excitement to show the Queen Kenilworth, I was in like state to see him.

I looked up and tried to express fear at my forwardness, but Elizabeth was in a sentimental mood and after all I was a member of the family.

"Madam," I said, "I am presumptuous. I was overcome by my pleasure to be back with you."

The hard eyes softened momentarily. She believed me.

"It pleases me to have you here, Lettice," she said. "Make your preparations for Kenilworth. I doubt not you will wish to have some new dresses for the event. You will have your seamstress with you. There is some scarlet velvet ... enough for a gown. Tell them I have said you may have it." Her mouth turned up at the corners. "We shall all have to look very fine for my Lord Leicester, I trow."

She loved him. I could hear it in her voice when she said his name; and I wondered whether I was setting out on a dangerous road. Even to think of him made my pulse race. I knew that if he had changed I was still going to want him.

If he looked my way, if he showed in the smallest manner that he was ready to revive his desire for me, I would not hesitate to become the Queen's rival.

"I will take a little of the Alicante wine," she said.

I mixed it with water as she liked it. She always ate and drank very sparingly and rarely took wine, preferring a light ale; and when she did take it, it was liberally mixed with water. Sometimes she would grow impatient of food and on informal occasions would rise before the rest of the company was finished. We deplored this because it meant that we had to leave the table, for none of us could stay when she had left; and as we were served after she was, it often meant a hurried meal—so we were not very anxious to eat with the Queen.

But on this occasion she lingered, and all were able to have their fill.

Sipping the wine, she smiled softly—thinking of Robert, I knew.

It was July when we set out for Kenilworth, which is between the towns of Warwick and Coventry and about five miles from each, so it was a far distance from London and we were to take a leisurely journey.

It was a brilliant and large cavalcade which set out, comprising thirty-one of the leading men of the country, and all her ladies, of whom I was one, and four hundred servants. The Queen planned to stay at Kenilworth for more than two weeks.

People came out to watch us pass and there were the usual cheers for the Queen and those pleasant little exchanges between her and the people which she would not have missed for anything.

We had not gone far when we saw riding towards us a party of horsemen. Even from a distance I recognized him at their head. My heart beat faster. I knew how I should feel even before he reached us. How well he sat his horse. He had qualified for the role of Queen's Horse Master in every way. He was older yes—a little more corpulent than he had been eight years before; his face was a shade more ruddy and there was a touch of white in the hair at his temples. In his blue velvet doublet with slashings arranged in a pattern of stars after the new German fashion, and the feather in his hat of the same tone as the doublet, though of a paler shade, he looked magnificent, and I saw at once that the old magnetism was still there. I doubted Elizabeth loved the middle-aged Robert less than she had the young man. I could see it would be the same with me.

He pulled up within a very small distance of our party, and I noticed the faint color beneath the Queen's white skin which indicated her pleasure.

"Why," she said, "it is my Lord Leicester."

He was at her side. He took her hand and kissed it, and as I saw their eyes meet as he raised her hand, the wildest pangs of jealousy overwhelmed me. I could only control this by consoling myself that he was merely paying tribute to the crown. If she were not the Queen he would have eyes for no one but me.

He brought his horse close beside hers.

"What do you mean by coming thus unannounced, you rogue?" she demanded. The rogue, as I had heard it before, was a term of endearment said in that manner.

"I could not allow any but myself to conduct you to Kenilworth," he said ardently.

"Well, since we are eager to see this magic castle of yours, we'll forgive you. You look in good health, Rob."

"Never better," he answered. "And that may be due to the fact that I am beside my lady."

I felt sick with fury, for he had not so much as glanced my way.

"Well, we will go on," said the Queen, "or we'll take weeks to reach Kenilworth."

We dined at Itchingworth, where we were lavishly entertained, and as there was a forest the Queen expressed her desire to hunt.

I watched her ride off side by side with Robert. She made no attempt to hide her doting fondness. As for him, I could not be sure how much was real affection, how much ambition. Surely he was not still hoping for marriage—but even if he were not, he needed to keep her favor. There was not a man in England more detested than Robert Dudley. He had come up by such leaps and bounds through the Queen's especial interest and had engendered so much envy in doing so that there were thousands who hoped for his downfall, many who knew him and many who did not-such was human nature.

I was beginning to understand Robert, and looking back much was clear to me which had not been in the days of our intimacy. He had a courteous way with any who approached him, be they ever so humble, and in fact his manner sometimes belied the calculating strength which lay behind it. He had a temper which could be violent when it was roused; there were many dark secrets in his life; but those who approached him in the normal way received nothing but pleasantness from him. But of course he must tread warily, even with the Queen. If she had memories which had affected her attitude to love, so had he. His grandfather, financial adviser to King Henry VII, had been beheaded— thrown to the wolves, it was said, to placate the people who were dissatisfied with the taxes imposed by the King and collected by Dudley and Empson; Robert's father had lost his head after trying to put Lady Jane Grey and his son Guildford on the throne. So it was only natural that Robert should make an extreme effort to keep his own head on his shoulders. I think he was safe enough. Elizabeth hated signing death warrants even for her enemies. It was hardly likely that, in any circumstances, she would ever sign one for this beloved man.

But of course he could fall from favor, and naturally he was making a supreme effort not to do so.

He still had not noticed me when we reached Grafton, where the Queen had her own house. Elizabeth was in excellent spirits. In fact her demeanor had remained the same from the moment Robert arrived. They rode side by side, and often her laughter rang out as they exchanged secret jokes.

The weather was unusually hot and when we came to Grafton we were very thirsty. We went into the hall, Robert and the Queen leading the way, and Robert called out to the servants to bring the light ale which the Queen liked to drink.

There was a bustle and scurrying about and in due course the ale was brought, but when the Queen tried it she spat it out.

"I cannot drink that stuff," she cried indignantly. "It's too strong for me."

Robert tried it and declared it was stronger than malmsey and made him feel so heavy with drink that he would not trust his temper. He ordered the servants to find the light ale which Her Majesty wanted.

But this was not easily done, for there was none in the house, and the thirstier the Queen grew the more angry she became.

"What servants are these," she cried, "that they know not how to serve me my good ale! Is there naught to drink in this place?"

Robert said he dared not let them bring water, for he could not trust it to be uncontaminated. The closeness of the privies to the house was always a menace and particularly in weather like this.

He was not a man to sit down and lament in a crisis; he sent his servants into the village and before long some light ale was discovered and when Robert brought it to the Queen she expressed herself well pleased with the drink and the bearer.